Making friends at college...

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I'm in my junior year of college and college has been the worst time of my life. I have absolutely no friends. I didn't have high school friends neither, nor have I ever had a girlfriend.

I sometimes feel like its my fault because I chose to live at home and commute to school rather than go off and have the traditional dorm experience where I am forced to interact with people. Being that its a local school, I also have the barrier of still well formed high school cliques. When you are dealing with groups that have been together since kindergarten, its very hard to penetrate that. Having asperger's syndrome, I dont function well around people I dont know well especially when they aren't interested in having me around.

I have one online friend who also has asperger's syndrome and he went off to college and lived in the dorm. He now has the perfect life. He has a perfect girl and friends who accept him for who he is. That is what I expected out of college. My online friend had a similar high school experience as mine, he never had any friends until going off to college. If he can do it, why can't I?

I had high hopes for this time of my life. I was so wrong. I spend my days depressed and lonely now. Somebody give me advice. Thanks.

I was in a pretty similar situation to this when I was at university (I graduated this year), although I did leave and stay in student accommodation. I found I ended up having very cursory relationships with a lot of the people I met - flatmates, people on my course and sports members - whilst I was growing further and further apart from people I'd known before. Every college / university has its own culture, but I'd say it's usually useful to join some sort of organised group, although where I was most of them were struggling to get members due to the reluctance of students to go for anything so organised. Another thing I realised later on was that, in some cases at least, it helps to get to lectures early to hang around before them with the others - a lot of the time I had been the guy who just shows up at the last minute and doesn't get talking to people.

Your friend may have just had a streak of luck. The college experience if often a lonely experience for aspies. I have had a few friends and lost them, and a girlfriend for a brief time, while in college. But overall I am a social failure. Other than the internet, my only interactions with other humans is in a very limited manner at work and in class.

You have already identified the main obstacles in your pursuit of a social life. The clique mentality does NOT die after high school, it just gets more complex. (This is contrary to popular belief due to people being F*** Idiots) By going to college you simple enter a new set of categories. Also, you have recognized that it is not possible to make friends if you don't "get out there." This is a very practical and logistic problem that is easier to overcome than clique mentality.

I am aware that I have restated your problem and have not offered any advice. But if I had any good advice I would share.

I am also a junior in college. I do live in a dorm and that has helped a lot for me. I have two NT room mates (though they are pretty crazy), and they are very understanding. They also give me the kick in the ass I need to try to socialize. I'm not terribly popular, but I feel ok about that most of the time. I know mileage may vary on dorm experiences but it has been a great help to me.

I also hang out some with other theater majors, though I don't really fit in that crowd (think mini-Hollywood). I find many of them shallow and uninteresting, and many of them see me as anal and pedantic. I am well respected for my work but people don't have much respect for me as a person.

So basically, college is not the worst experience of my life even though I hope it's not the best.

I think that you should stop comparing your life to your aspie friends life, or to anyone esle's life for that matter. All it can do is make you miserable because we usually only compare our lives to the lives that we want, and when we don't achieve that life, it can only lead to misery. Expectations breed dissapointment. Not everyone is going to have a blast in college, college kids have a high suicide rate too. I didn't make any friends in college either, except for a couple of casual "classroom" friendships. I still do research at school, and still have no friends here. Apart from my research partners and professor, I don't have contact with anyone here either.

Maybe you should try moving into an off-campus house or apartment? That would also force you to interact with people, but without having to be trapped in the frat-house atmosphere.

I can't move out because of finances. I would give anything to be able to because I believe thats the one thing thats holding me back more than anything else. I can't support myself on $7 per hour working part time though.

I don't see things improving much for me at college. Im going to give clubs/organizations another try next semester. I have little faith that it will help. I think my friend did just have a streak of luck...hes the kind of guy that everything he wants just falls in his lap. How are my chances after college, in the real world? Am I doomed to be this lonely my whole life?

I hope not, that would mean I'd be lonely for the rest of my life too. I get along with older people (30+) much better than I do with college students. Older people tend to overlook quirks more too. I have hope.

I find the same thing, in that I get along better with older people. They are more accepting of people who fall outside the social norm. But they also don't have the desire (nor time) to do the things that college students like to do, such as hang out, play video games, go to movies, you name it. My 52 year old friend from work and his wife aren't going to want to go to "hang out" with a 20 year old guy.

Is finding a nice person my age to be my friend something too much to ask?

Damn, I thought starting college would be the end of this crap, I always heard about how much more accepting people were. How wrong I was.

I'm a college sophomore. During my time so far at college, I have made many new acquaintances, including my roommates. As for making new friends, I feel that I may or may not have done so, depending on your definition of "friend." If you define "friend" as someone who would help you out on something or be willing to talk with you a while about a shared interest, than perhaps I have made some friends in college. On the other hand, if your definition of "friend" requires that you be in frequent contact with the individual and that the individual invite you to take part in events, such as parties, then I am afraid to say that I haven't made any new friends. Friendly acquaintances, perhaps--but not friends. At least I am now doing better now than in high school and middle school, where, sadly, no one was my friend by any definition of the word, at least as far as I can ascertain from my own--as you can tell--dim understanding of what constitutes friendship.

Although attending a larger college might be helpful for exposing you to opportunities for improving and increasing your social interaction, I don't think moving into a dorm has really helped me THAT much socially. For me, and I think for most people, Aspie or not, dorm life has its drawbacks. In my dorm, there's been constant noise from loud music and yells from people playing video games--until 3 AM in the morning. There is also the issue of who cleans up what. Then, if you are not as socially outgoing as your roommates, there is the awkward status of being the quiet dude who never leaves his room.

If there is any helpful advice that I can give, it is that, yes, you will need, at the very least, to join some club and "get out there" as another poster said if you want to get in any semblance of a college social life. I was lucky last semester to belong to a study group for Geology class that was, truthfully, the sole pinnacle of social interaction I had at the time.

I'm a freshman in college. and I live in the dorms. my ex girlfriend, whom I'm still close with, and still see regularly (she's a freshman like me, she's also 27) is an Aspie as well, and she's pretty cool for what she's achieved. two other colleges before this, and she has a degree in teaching. she's a music/drama major. so she knows what she's doing.

I don't think ya'll who do have problems should worry about it. I do have A.S, but I come off as normal, becaues I don't have any odd quirks...well, I do have uncontrollable laughing fits occasionally, but that's because I like to laugh.

bchris02, I had the same problem when I was at home and going to college. I lived at home and didn't spend much time on campus. However, it was through my history classes that I met some people, and one of them is now very good friend. I have to say getting involved in some clubs with help. One thing that might help is if the your college has international students group to get involved with that because they are more open and love meeting new people.

However, I since I've transfered and living on campus. I've not find it much better except that I was in marching band and have group of friends from that but they are all 3 years younger than me. One thing I've discovered is the international students are very friendly and love meeting new people. (My dorm has US and international students living in it.) Which is nice because the international students tend to be closer to my age. However, I've still had trouble meeting people and having people to do things with like watching movies, eating meals, just hanging out, and doing stuff outside. Which makes living in the drom very hard when you hear everyone else in the hallway talking to people and what not, and no one talks to you but say hi in passing. (by the way, i leave my door to my room open when i'm in my room so it's not like i'm hiding myself way.)

does anyone have some ideas of what i could do?

My life at university?
I'm currently staying at my university halls for the first time, been here a few months and the situation has rapidly deteriorated.
It began alright, with me hanging out with a few people from my lecture group who also live here, getting drunk/high with them a few times, before they realised I was different and one thing led to another and now they all hate me. I can hear them talking about me down the hallway right now if I put my ear to the door..how I grunt responses, how I'm boring, how I've responded to their bullying and what they plan to do next (I'll explain below). Well I've been bullied both physically and psychologically since middle school everywhere I've gone, by "friends" and enemies alike. I've never really recovered from having the s**t kicked out of me every day for about 4 years of high school before I switched. So far I've made enemies with everyone on my corridor and havent made friends with the people on other floors. I've spent the last couple weeks alone in this room, only leaving for food, lectures and alcohol. I havent been out in terms of socialising for ages (not even new year). I've taken to playing music to drown out the sound of them laughing and screaming and shouting which drives me crazy (especially when I'm trying to sleep, I have insomnia so I need the little time I can get, sometimes I think they're just doing it to annoy me) but whenever I play music they dont like they bang on my door louder and louder until I turn it off. So recently I've been playing lots of breakcore and drum and bass very loudly because I like how it irritates them and its the only way I can drown out the sounds they make, this makes the problem worse and they've started becoming even more cruel than before.
So far they've:

• Poured milk down my door
• Put offensive messages through the gap under my door
• Toilet paper through a window I left open onto monitor & speakers
• Thrown MY eggs, vegetables, ketchup, milk, etc stolen from fridge onto my window, the way the windows open its impossible to clean them so the view is going to stay barely visible with all the crap for the rest of the year (was pretty ugly anyway, oh well)
• Use of my place in freezer and fridge and then complaining about me using other spaces when I have nowhere to put my food, then leaving my food out on the side to go stale while I was on holiday
• Kicking/knocking on door then running away for periods, repeatedly for longer than 10 mins including at 3am
• Use of group/gang dynamic to intimidate
• Verbal abuse/harassment
• Threats to lock me out of kitchen with only kitchen key
• Barging into room without knocking, throwing the contents of the communal kitchen bin over me
• Yelling/loud music late at night persistently
• Continued behaviour over a period of months
• Posting of picture of me on hallway door with comments of obscure/unknown meaning
• Made racist comments which I abhor even being white the same as them, I will not tolerate anyone who says stuff like that and this has led to more problems
• Playing games/football/jackass style students late at night in corridor, not limited to pushing someone in a trolley down the hallway as hard as they can, waking me up nearly all the time
• Letting off fire extinguishers late, spraying foam under door
• Most notably, putting a caricature of me under the door with lots of comments about my personality, that I play the cello, that I'm a loser, that my haircut isnt normal and has spiky bits, that I dont get on with anyone, that they dont like my taste in music, the fact I'm a vegetarian, that I'm unhappy.

all of this has driven me to the edge. I'm really losing it here. I've tried complaining about it to staff but they wont listen cos there's like 7 of them and one of me and they have the upper hand so the staff don't believe me. I have pretty much lost touch with my old friends (covered this in another post) in my old city seeing them only occasionally now, so I have probably been out socialising about 3 times in the last 3 months. The rest of the time has just been sitting alone on the internet..I really dont want to be alone like this but I dont know anyone else in the city I can talk to..I'm approaching melt down point and I find myself crying all the time not being able to stop it. I would never have considered posting something like this at one time but I honestly have noone else to talk about this.
I'm thinking of trying to move out but I will have to pay the rent for the rest of the year unless someone else applies for the room and I can barely survive as it is off my student loan. I feel like I'm going to do something stupid like get drunk and lose it with them and end up hurting someone. I don't care about them, they deserve the worst, but it would mean getting kicked out of university which would suck for me. I can't concentrate on my studies and I feel there's little point staying here if its going to be like this but if I drop out I'll have nothing to do for the next few months (really bad for me) and it would be demoralising to say the least. I've tried going to the doctor about my anxiety and tried to get a prescription for anti-anxiety medication but they won't listen and won't prescribe me anything, just saying I should go to therapy (which I already have done, doesnt help, considering CBT but I really dont have the energy) so I find myself rapidly turning into an alcoholic. Everywhere I go I get people doing this kind of s**t, trying to make me even unhappier just because they dont understand or wont tolerate the way I am. I just dont know what to do.

sorry I kinda hijacked this thread for myself and went on and on, I dont mean to, sorry

I live in a dorm in a college far from home and I have made no friends at all. But I haven't had to put up with the kind of s**t acidrephlux is going through right now. I know what it's like though to have a problem with a group of multiple people where they are the liars who are covering each other and they lie to screw me and they belive them because it's 7 on 1, that happened to me all the time in elementary school and left scars. If I ever get called up for jury duty if the evidence said that the defendant was guilty because of the testimony of others I would call that reasonable doubt. I would acquit the defendant even if I thought he was guilty just to spite society.

I don't know if I have any good advice for you acidrephlux but I'll try. How are they barging in your room? Does your door have a lock? Try to at least survive through the year, you can transfer after that. There should be some sort of counselor on campus who should be able to tell you who to complain to about this, and be careful complaining because it could just make them hate you more. If the staff will do nothing it is probably time to approach the higher-ups at the university. Write down your situation so it is clear. If they still won't do anything it is probably time to threaten legal action. Even if you can't actually arrange that they will probably buckle under the threat. If you can arrange that and they don't listen to you, then your money problems may just end. That's a really bad situation though.

They seem horrible people acidrephlux. You say your in the UK - I don't know how similar that makes it to how the system works for me in Exeter, but it's worth trying to change rooms. It could be different for you, but if you stay in uni accomodation, you could avoid the fee or only pay a nominal one. Your profile says you have an official diagnosis - you could use this to support your claim.
You would of course be put with people who already know each other, but is the situation improves, it's worthwhile.
Don't drop out just because of those idiots - they've won then.

5th year senior, never had any friends or aquaintances at university, live off campus with parents. I graduate this spring so I do not expect anything at all. I'm way to busy with paper typing and research to be depressed about it. I'm more annoyed that my online friendships fizzled out. I can find people I like on the Internet, but they all live so far away that it doesn't translate into anything real.

I feel bad for the guy from the UK, not sure what to suggest. Makes me glad I didn't stay at the dorm.

I've only had one incident of someone saying something rude to me at university. It was a guy in one of my classes who had tried talking to me once and I brushed him off without realizing that he was trying to be friendly. Then several months later he said something rude about me when he thought I wasn't in the class, "Where is that one quiet guy?" I just ignored him and I think he got embarrassed.

I'm a senior at my college. I live at home and face the same problems you do. My major is tough and it gives me plenty of work. I'm lucky that I don't face bullies much, but it still hurts to see that others are living wonderful lives and I am not. I also thought I would have things better in college than high school, but I was also wrong. Some people will say hi to me, but it is nothing compared to how they treat their real friends. It has been a very long time since I've been invited to a party of some sort, since about middle school. Now that it's close to the end of my time at college, I feel it is too late to create any real relationships.

I beleve a solution may lie in being more social, but I really just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one facing such a situation.