Self-worth

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This is really difficult for me because it's probably the first time I have been truly honest with anyone online. I see my family very seldom, for no other reason than choice. I'm sure most people I meet just think I'm either too intense or deeply uninterested in them. I want friends and then I don't want friends. I like the idea of being with people and then I lose interest and prefer the idea of being alone. I never seem able to strike the right balance. In the end, being alone just seems easier because I don't have to explain my moods to anyone. I have two immediate neighbours, neither of whom talks to me. I misinterpret things they say. They misinterpret things I say.

I know I compensate by hanging round on internet forums and this is where my biggest problem crops up. I can be really good and not get involved for a month or so at a time but a post or poster will catch my eye and I'm back in 'I won't lose my head this time' mode. It never works. I always lose it. Usually with manipulative posters who can turn on a penny and make me sound like the villain. The latest was a thread on 'doing the right thing'. The main poster seemed to think that visiting any site from porn to right-wing Christian forums, implied approval of the site or forum. If you visited a porn site, you were probably a pervert. If you visited a right-wing site, you were probably a Nazi. If you visited a Christian fundamentalist site, you were probably an all-round nut job. I knew all that to be nonsense. I like to know exactly what's out there, so there are few surprises. What I couldn't understand was why he got so many supportive responses to his posts. I think that's what made me dive in. While half of my brain was certain he was just a manipulative bully, the other half simply couldn't cope with his tone and manner. While I could see just how wrong his arguments were, I had no real idea a how to put across the counter-view. Within five posts, I'd gone from 'That isn't quite right is it?' to shouting like an idiot. My last post of the five closed the entire thread.

I'm typing this in a text editor (habit) against a desktop background which consists of a large text box. It reads: Keep Away From All Forums - You Are No Good At Them. I see that every time I log-on. It doesn't work. I have seen responses to similar posts to this one which usually include 'Everyone loses it on internet forums from time to time. Don't feel so bad'. But, that never works for me. Something clicks in my head when I choose to get involved and I always end up regretting it. There is not a single instance I can recall where my getting involved in an internet forum has ever ended happily. Not one. It's heartbreaking, but only because I do it to myself. Nobody forces me to be an idiot. I resist and resist getting involved in threads and then, inevitably, give in. I obsess for days, weeks or months about how stupid I've made myself look but never seem able to learn not to repeat the same mistakes.

The worst aspect of realising that I cannot comfortably deal with the real world or the online one, is how very little of worth my life has. There are times when I feel so utterly useless at all the things everyone else seems so good at, that I wonder how long it would take for all the pain to go away if I just walked down the river one day and didn't come back.

Sad that the world is so messed up that anyone could even think they're worthless. Try to focus on what you can do, not what you can't. Find things you're good at and develop them. Use online forum interaction as a way to contribute something to other people's lives by sharing things you know about, not as a chance for arguments and debate. Limit your time - if someone thinks that visiting a site (or reading a book) implies agreement, I'd like to show this person my library because his head would explode. Hasn't he ever heard the old expression "know thy enemy"? As a Platonist, I own books by nominalists. As an amillennialist, I have a Scofield Bible. And, as an Emacs user, I have vi installed on my computer. Seriously, though, stop looking at the world as "right" and "wrong" and try to see a different picture - what would make someone want to hold a position that really doesn't even make sense? Does this person need certainty? Anyhow, maybe there's something better going on than this sort of debate.

I think you might be my long lost twin. Seriously, though I am going through the very same thing. I tend to attract people in internet world and in the real world that are manipulative. By the time I figure out what they're doing and how they really are I am already so upset that I have a huge meltdown to where I go way over the top and it looks to everyone like I am blowing things out of proportion where in reality it was the collective poking at me that was done over a long period until I lost it. I seem to be black and white with that sort of thing. Either I am okay, or I'm absolutely not okay with little in between the two.

I'm also doing a lot of work on my self confidence and trying to feel more secure in my own skin. If I felt better about myself I wouldn't take other people's comments so seriously, as if they're personally attacking me. I feel exactly the same as you about socializing. It's hard, but I have to try to get out there more, or at the least stop looking to places like Facebook as a replacement for real life interacting.

I hope you find some way to feel better about yourself. It's such a heavy burden to carry around when you don't feel good about yourself and everything seems so lonely.

I used to be a lot like that. Over time I have realized some things.

In the past, I didn't have a strong sense of self, so I would feel a strong need to be around other people and go to online forums because I thought that the people there would give me validation and make me feel like I'm an okay person.

Over time I realized that it just doesn't happen that way. Validation has to come from within before other people will give it to me.

Once I realized and came to terms with this, I no longer felt such a desperation to be around people. In fact, I started feeling okay with completely avoiding other people, because I started to accept that, in most cases, being around other people was just going to make me feel bad. I started to cultivate my own interests and activities. I realized that the activities that I enjoy are what define me and give me the validation that I need.

I guess what I'm getting at is that other people don't define the real world or the online world. Not being able to get along with other people does NOT mean failing in the real or the online world. I no longer define my self worth based on how other people react to me. After all, it is SELF worth.

everyone does/says stupid things on the internet. it has no reflection on your worth.

maybe you should make rules for yourself when replying to such people on forums. like limit it to just one reply expressing your opinion, or leave it a certain amount of time before replying so you don't get caught up etc