helping son make friends

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HI ! My name is Michelle and I am new here . My son is 15 years old , and will be starting 10th grade next year . I will give some background on this situation . My son was in a slef-contained prgram out of district called boces , if anyone knows what that is ..bascially , it is 6 kids , who stay in the same room all day and get speech therapy and social skills counseling..and they dont' get much in the way of academics...I saw something in my child that no one else did..I felt he was high funtioning enough to go to so called regualr school in his school district with some special education supports ..ok..so I fought with my district for many years to get him out of that other prgram..and he started 8th grade in our school district...not knowing anyone . He did very well academcially ..., this past year..he did well academically grades were mostly in high 80;s ..he tool French class and scored 99's and 100's on homework and tests all year..because he has missed so much over the years ..I worked with him for hours every night...he kind of fell off on final exams..with most final exam grades in the high 60's ..except French which was 82 ..

So ..now that you have some background .I will get to the problem ..( there usually is some kind of problem !) ...my son has no friends ...there are kids at school ..some of which do talk to him ..ok ..ONE and only ONE ..ever intiates a converstion wiht him first...other than this one kid ..it is always my child who starts the converstaion with other kids ..
My son has tried calling the kid who initiates conversation with him to try to get together out of school ...but the kid is always busy..I know he is he is on every sport team the school has to offer .
We had a meeting today ..to discuss his IEP for next year...one teacher brought it to our attention that ...my son has a habit of ...talking too much ..., going into way to much detail when he talks to kids or adults ..telling them stuff they really don't need to know about ..ok...as an example..that his mom ( me ) ..went to the dentist..she has lots of fillings...you know ..stuff no one cares about .. the principal said he sees it as if my son is almost thinking out loud when he does this stuff ..
Another thing is..he doesn't pick up on it ..or doesn't care ..when he approaches othe rkids and their facial expressions /body lang. are saying...I don't want to talk to you ..or even f they verbally tell him ..they dont want to talk to him..he tries even harder to get them to like him ..
They also told us at this meeting...that he does things like...well as an example ...last year he went up to another boy and touched him on the head and told him that he liked his haircut..

My son can tend to be annoying ..ok...at thsi meeting ..the school psych ..offerned social skills counseling ..I told her no ..he has had that since he was 3 years old ...ok...and we took it off the IEP in 8th grae ..because at this point in time..he needs chances to practice his social skills in structured situations ..wiht APPROPRIATE peers...kids who are socially accepted ..and socilly successful so that he can learn from their skills ..

Another thing they told us at this meeting ..was that they know there have been times that other kids encouraged my son to do or say things ..ok..because they knew he would look foolish..and htey cold watch him look fololish and then laugh at him about it ..

The kids my son is tryng ot befriend are on basketball team...the one kid who has initiated converstaion wiht my son ..is also on that team...my son wants to try out ..and so I sent himto 2 basketball camps ..because he has never played organized sports before...I thought that would help him ...I also bought him a health club membership so he could get in better physical shape ..but these other kids have been playing for years..and I seriously doubt he will make the team next fall ..

The school can not foce kids to call my son at home ..but his social needs must be addressed somehow ..I do not believe that it is healthy for him to sit home alone all summer...he goes for tutoring..to keep up ..and get ready for next school year..but it is just him and the tutor ..

My son is a nice kid...he is pretty high funtioning ...as a mom ..I am heartbroken ..and very upset about this ..my chidl is 15 years old and has never gotten a phone call ..never been invited anywhere ..it is sad ..

I do everything I can as a mom ..to help him fit in...as I said...doing what I can to help him to help himself improve his basketball skills ..., help him with his academics..( also he gets a resource room at school ...) .., I mean...I even make sure he has the "right" backback .., and the "right " sneakers..and all the clothes form Hollister and Americna Eagle ..so that he fits in that way with the other kids ..

What can I do ...I know that some of the things he does ..some of which I mentioned here...are driving away the other kids ..but...I also think that some of these things are because of his diagnosis ..some of which ..I htink he can help ..

He has been picked on and bullied too ..last year ..we fought wiht the school all year...they gave the other kids detentions a lot ...but big deal ...ok...it didn't stop these kids ..

We todl them ..that the 3 kids who were the main source of this bullying...are NOT to be in ANY of our child's classes next year...we were assured they won't be..( will believe it when I see it...people who work at school ..in my experience seem to have selelctive memory..and ..selective favorites..and lie ...) ..

Anyway , I apologize that this is soo long...

You know ...in 8th grade...when no one called him ..I thought..well it is beacuse he is the new kid ..in 9th grade last year..I thought ..ok..well...give it time ..he is still relatively new...well...there are only 3 years of high school left...there is no time to waste...the school..and we ..must do soemthing for him and his social deficits...my son'ts gades are pretty good ..he wants to go to college..and says he wants to attend law school ...
When he was little ..in the elementary school...I guess ..his lack of friends wasn't as glaring..wans't as obvious to me ..because kids at that young age ..kids tend to spend more time with their parents...but now...at 15..will be 16 in November...ok...I can no longer deny it ..

It is not healthy for him to simply attend school ..and then come home..do homework ..watch TV and go to bed...and on the weekend...go snowboarding alone..while I drive him to the ski reosrt and watch him ..he shoudl be with friends ..

When the weather is nice ..he also does things with me and his dad ..so we do a lot to make sure ..that he has some recreational things to do on weekends...but I can not entertain him ...or hang around with al summer..or all the time ..not at his age...

I meant to end this e-mail prior to this...and I am ..again..sorry it is so long..but this is ..and has been..really weighing heavily on my mind..I feel ..sick ..inside..for my child..

If anyone has any suggestions..please ...post them .
Thank you , Michelle

Where do you live, first of all? You can always try to find some potential friends for your son that live close to you by searching in this topic for people near your area.

Okay first off let him come here, many of us have a few friends (though alot of us, including myself are in the same spot, well I dont get bullied anymore, college you know.) Second does he or you ever talk on AIM, I would be more then happy to talk to you or him (God knows I've talked to weirder people then a goofymom and a cutelileaspie/autie .)

P.S. I am the unofficial official parent help aspie so if you have any specific questions, PM me .

_________________
"we never get respect ... never a fair trial
[swearing removed by lau] ... as long as we smile"
Im tired of smiling.

Vote for me in 2020

If he has a special interest maybe you can find a group of people who shares his interest. Snowboarding? Enter competitions?

What I do, I meet people who are weird and different like me. I'm in my forties now and have accepted that I'll never have friends that are normal. Lot of aspies get along fine with people who are borderline or have adhd. I had a boyfriend who later was diagnosed as schizofrenic. The person I talk to with ease at the busstop is manic-de-
pressive.

I think you should give up the idea that he can make friends in school. At least the ones that are normal. Accept that your son is different in the "friends-department".

I think it's a great idea to get your son on the basketteam, those kids sounds nice, they will never be true friends with him but will accept him, support him and defend him. A solution would be to find a group of people, who may be normal, but will accept your son. He will be a low ranking member of the group and may not make friends directly, but will have some people to hang around with, do an activity with, connect with and identify with.

It's not easy though, this place helps a lot, but I'm still trying to find a group of normal people that would accept me.

Unfortunately a lot of aspie kids and adults live lonely lifes. But your son is lucky to have such a caring mom!

Thank you to those who responded to my post on helping my son make friends .

I guess I am asking for advice on ...what can my husband and I do to help him stop doing those things that are probably driving these other kids away ...the talking too much .., the going into too much detail , telling poeple things that are none of their business ..and going up to people and patting them ont he head or patting them on the back ..

Why does he do those things ...how can we get him to stop ..?

Why ..also ..when he recognizes after the first minute of talking to someone that they want nothing to do with him ...why then does he keep talking..and continue trying to befriend that person ...

LIke I said..someone at our meeting yesterday ..who said he thinks part of the reason he talks so much is because he thinks out loud...but why...how can we stop it ?

His diagnosis is PDD-NOS ..I know these things are partly due to that...but there must be some way to get him to stop doing these things ..

They also say that at school , they see he seems more comfortable with adults ...but that he tries very ...very hard to fit in with the other kids ..
He is our only child ..so he doens't even have brothers or sisters to hang around with .

I feel so bad..he is a nice kid ..he is not a behavior problem ..and as I said...he gets good grades ...I asked him if he is happy at school ...he insisits that he is ...but I wonder how he could be ..when he gets picked on..and doens't have friends ..

Any one have anymore thoughts or advice ?
Thank you so much , Michelle

To answer your last question, many aspies and auties just don't need friends, anymore I am fairly happy most of the time and all of my friends are online.

Alot of the other questions I really don't know, he seems alot more severe then me or anyone that I have ever known. The reason why he may still talk to people that are never going to be his friends is that there is nothing to lose with them, I used to do that a bit when I was younger and it ended up getting me bullied but I didn't care.

The patting might just be a comfort thing with people, there another kid on here (I wont name any names but alot of people can tell who it is) that licks people. As for telling people things that are none of there business the only thing I can guess is he has a more firm grasp of those kinds of facts then like opinion stuff that people normally talk about and he can't seperate those kinds of facts with normal kinds of facts.

He is obviously socially delayed and one thing that has sortof helped me (I am probably about 4 or 5 years behind socially or more) is talking to younger people, maybe that might help him too, while it wont exactally be his peers chances are they wont mind as much and stuff, at least thats how it has been in my case. Well if you want to ask anything else feel free too.

_________________
"we never get respect ... never a fair trial
[swearing removed by lau] ... as long as we smile"
Im tired of smiling.

Vote for me in 2020

I reccomend trying to find friends out of school.

How about going to a club or interest group?

Hi.

AutiMom, this is indeed a very heartbreaking thread and situation. i would also recommend what hale_bopp said, finding an interest group for things that he is interested in. maybe there are some snowboarding groups around for young kids and he could hang around them. one piece of advice i would like to add to this discussion... make sure he is actually interested in playing basketball. if he isn't actually interested in the sport, and is only doing it to give him more social exposure, than that might actually hurt him more than it helps him in the long run.

however, my main reason for replying is i want to commend you autimom. its good that you actually care about your son's social life and that you aren't in denail that this is an area where he is struggling. my parents were always concerned about my grades, and my behavior problems i had sometimes in school, but never really seemed to care whether i had friends or whether i was doing well socially or not. i mean, as a parent there really is only so much you can do to help your son in this aspect of his life; you cant fight his battles for him. however, atleast you're trying to do whatever you can as a mom to help him have a better social life and friends. unlike my parents, who would have never tried to help in but even the most miniscule ways.

please keep us updated. i will be hoping that things start to look better for your son. im a 23-year old college student with mild as and i still have problems with keeping friends.

take care,

-Eric

Thank you for your support ..and acknowledgement of my efforts for my son .

I try to cover everything , grades , supports he needs in high school , his recreational needs , social ...all of it .
it isn't easy though because it seems like there is always something to address , or research ..or a phone call to make .
Currently , I am researching PSAT and SAT prep classes for my son . He is going to take the PSAT next year in 10th grade . He wants to go to college for 4 years , then go to Law School . I don't know if that will happen ..since his biggest deficits are in abstract thinking , drawing inferences from what he reads..., expressive writing ..and pragmatics of speech ...all things one needs to be strong in to succed in law school ..and as an attorney ...
But I figure ..if this is what he wants..I will do whatever I can to at least set up the correct services for him ..to help improve in his weak areas ..thereby increasing his chances of succeeding at what he wants to do .
If it doesn't happen ..at least I know I did my best .
I am always having meetings at school ..over the IEP ..and making phone calls to the school , and teachers ...when they don't do what they are supposed to do ...
My son really enjoys this ...because he loves to sit next to me on the phone ..( which I do tell him not to ) ..and smile ..and whisper...go mom go...yell at my teacher...

Anyway ..getting back to the social aspect..I think you are right in the fact that ..these kids that are on the basketball team ..they might not seek him out...to do this outside of school ..but at least they accept him ...
I have already set up a meeting for September to strongly ...STRONGLY insist thta his social needs be addressed in the transition part of his IEP ...
Thank you..Michelle

Autimom, what are his hobbies and interests.

It might be that group sports are just not his thing - or maybe, not competitive team sports.

Maybe you could try something more, ah, cerebral? A chess club or like that? It might not be your thing or your idea of socialization, but there are different sorts of socialization that he might do better at and be more accepted in. Different "communities" in school.

Also, maybe some sort of sport which is less team and competition oriented, snowboarding was a good example. More like physically intense recreational activities, like canoeing/rowing, bicycling, skiing/snowboarding, swimming, etc.

In my estimation, you probably don't need to worry about his happiness so much - alot of people on the spectrum are actually happier doing their own thing by themselves, and being picked on is something that the majority of kids go through. I'd be thinking it's probably not good to encourage him to think of himself as a victim or that he should get more upset when he's picked on - a response is what they're looking for and they'll intensify it if they can get a rise out of him. But even though he's probably happy, it won't serve him well later on in life if he avoids learning how to socialize now. So, it's good that you're trying and you should keep trying, but I think you might need a different approach. He's not necessarily going to fit in anywhere - few people do - but he might fit in somewhere to some degree.