Trouble making friends

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Hi im a newbie to the forum. I am 35 and in a really difficult place right now. Most of my life i have wondered why i am different, and a few years ago i was diagnosed with aspergers and dyslexia. This really explained the difficulties i had early on in life. I have a few people i talk to in passing from when i use to be involved in the music business (running an illegal radio station), nevertheless over the years i have realized that these people see the 'music me' and not the 'real me' and thus i feel that no one really knows/understand/feels me.

I tried to changed my life several years ago by attempting a degree, as i was wondering whether i was ret*d or not. A few days ago I graduated from my UG degree when the chancellor mentioned in his speech to everyone, that the most important thing is the friendships you make at the university, yet i have made none (this is when i realized that i am not ret*d, but socially inept). I did make friends with one person off the course, and on reflection realized that she fancied me, but she now has a boyfriend. I have tried adding people on my facebook profile who i talked with on the course, but no one has accepted my friendship request, after a few weeks i went back round and cancelled the requests as i felt embarrassed (am i really that different?).

Apparently i am a highly functioning apsie, which is suppose to me a good thing, yet i disagree. This means i can fool people from the surface, but when they really get to know me, they realise something is different (not sure when that occurs) which means i feel the presence of friends but without the deep level. Looking on facebook and see that people from my 'music past' do things i have never done and it makes me feel like crap. Moreover i feel that i have no quality of life and thus may as well kill myself. When it comes to relationships I feel like im between a rock and a hard place, on one hand i cant tell when someone fancies me, nevermind whether someone is right for me, on the other, if i go for it, previous partners have taken the piss out of me and i didn't know until i reflected on the situation, and by then they have usually left or manipulated me.

Taken together, the piss taking from previous partners and the lack of friends is making me feel physically sick. Especially with another empty birthday coming up, people telling me happy birthday hope you had a great day, asking me what i was up to? I hate this question because i dont want to lie and say 'ive had a great day, i spent it with a few friends in town' (which most NT will say) instead i should tell the truth and say 'thanks i watched the Simpsons followed by a meal out with myself and my dog' , but if i say this i fear that the few people i have wont be there any more (thinking weird person!). Thus, i try and avoid the question. Maybe this is difficult because my parents dont know (but then i feel my mom will not understand and say 'dont tell anyone').

Furthermore, this difficultly with making friends or having a partner is confounded with the inability to work out what i should do with my future. I have been accepted on a phd, but got no funding to complete this, on the other hand i have been thinking of completing a PGCE, but kids are cruel (or is that my schooldays haunting me?). Or should i go back into the music business?

Do i accept whatever i do as a job, its unlikely that i will make friends? or is there something i can do to help me with this?

sorry to have bored you all with my story, but im so confused and i know that some of you would of worked through this.

I understand your problem. I'm having the same sort of issues with my 15 year old son -- and worried about his future, as I've read many stories like yours on this forum.

His problem seems to begin with the fact that a) he doesn't know how to make small talk very much, b) can't navigate the social scene with his peers, and c) even if he does have "friends" it would never occur to him to call somebody to see if they want to come over.

I don't know if that's your experience, but maybe if your birthday is coming up, think of having dinner with a couple of people you feel comfortable with. You may not have two people you could think of .... I don't know . ... but that would be where I would start.

If there is any way at all to find funding, I would certainly go for the PhD. It's like going up the food chain -- the higher you go up the intellectual chain, the more you will probably have in common with your peers.

I will be the first one to admit that mixing with NT's is confusing, frustrating, and doesn't make sense. But facts are -- we need people. We need to mix, have friends, interact. It's part of our makeup. So that means sacrifice -- sacrificing what WE think is interesting to give in to whatever our companions or peers think is interesting. Some of that stuff may be inane, but it also may be a bridge to finding commonalities and things to talk about. All people have to get to the point where they give up their desire to talk, be in charge, or control situations in order to have friends, mix with other people, and connect.

Thanks Schleppenhemier,

I may go for the phD as it it more likely i could make friends who are passionate about their subject. Thus, we then have the subject to talk about, which is always helpful, and i hope the students at this level are a little more clued up about aspies. Has for my birthday, its another one on my own (and my dog) and i will enjoy it (i am determined). I dont get when a NT say 'how was your birthday?' surely if they that interested, they should ask this before my birthday and arrange something

I wouldnt worry too much about your 15 year old son, and i totally understand not calling people to come over to 'play'. I remember when my mom would force friendships on me, and i hated it. I am happy working on my own, in fact my best friend is me, or another way of putting it, the only person i can trust is me as i have known myself all my life.