Matching emotional needs and expectations

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Something I wanted to share with the community.

One way I've found that really works well when building friendships, is to do so with people whose emotional needs and expectations are on a similar level to your own. To give a counterexample - it means not associating too closely with people whose happiness depends on the behaviour of the people in their lives.

As a concrete example - it might mean associating with people who share similar passions and interests when it comes to things (e.g trains, musical instruments, cars, computers, whatever...), as opposed to people stuff (e.g. who wore what, who's going out with whom, who said what to whom, who's breaking up or moving away, etc.).

When you have friendships that center more on the stuff that drives your passions, you are going to spend a lot of time talking about what each of you likes, and sharing viewpoints and facts. You'll end up spending far less time (if any at all) analyzing why the other person did this, didn't do that, etc. etc. - stuff that Aspies have a hard time processing anyway.

Just something I thought I'd put out there.

I have heard this and been told to do this tons of times. The only problem is i have not found that place or those kind of people yet. Some people "seem" to share my interest, but dont when talking casually. Others cant even begin to talk in my area of interest. A small proportion may have superficial interest. My brother tells me i will find people like me if i search. So right now i am searching.

So what i am trying to say is that although what you are saying is right, i am not sure it is easy.

I think that is pretty sound advice. Looking back, where I got into confusion and broken friendships, it usually was because of my social skills lacking and alienating myself from other girls who understood each other. When I made a real friend, it was because we both obsessed over the Beatles and could talk about that, and bake cakes together. Then when I had friends who were boys, it was much easier because our friendship was based on enjoying the same music, movies, activities, and it was not about shopping for shoes or gossip.

Now that I am older, my friendships that are working are with women my age, who have children. It works out well because we can talk about their children, and I get along well with children, and they are happy to have someone to talk to who is an adult but who is ok spending time doing mommy activities like take the kids to the pool, fold the laundry, etc. They have such busy real lives, and are caring people, and they overlook my flaws and quirks and don't expect me to go out to bars to socialize or other things that I would be uncomfortable doing.

I don't get into gossip either and don't really understand those who do. People always think the worst in me until we talk about real things and then seem to have a deeper understanding of the person I am. I find that people who are all about other people A) aren't as smart B) seek external validation C) blame me for everything. I have gotten more interested in the whole "relationships mirroring" idea where you see everyone as your mirror. I have realized that I cant deal well with people who talk about others because I see similar characteristics about the people they are talking about that also apply to me.

Mego, if it's any consolation, I have found that the most socially tuned in people I have known have tended to roundly and quickly dismiss me after I would attempt some friendly (and naive) socialization with them. My intentions would always be pure (meaning, I just wanted to be kind and have kindness returned in-kind), but it was as if I was instantly repulsive to them and they picked up on my "otherness" really fast.

Now that I'm older, I don't bother anymore. I tend to think about myself and like-minded people whom I respect, and let the incompatible folks fall by the wayside. I'm much happier as a result.