Kids birthday parties non-invite woes

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I just read a somewhat bittersweet story on Yahoo news about a 6-year-old boy with an ASD, where nobody came to his birthday party. So then his mom posted the sad situation on Facebook, whereupon several strangers came by with gifts and good wishes

The story did trigger some laments from my childhood, where I was regularly excluded from birthday parties - and for my birthdays, it was nobody from school, just neighbourhood kids and family friends' kids, where it was a reciprocity thing. During preschool and early grade school years, I absolutely LOVED going to birthday parties and having them then at the age of about 9, that sharply tapered off - in hindsight because my inherent differences were more manifest and a great turn-off to peers. When I expressed my lament, I recall my mom telling me "why don't you make more of an effort to get invited?" - well, I took that a bit too literally, and asked one kid in school point-blank if he could invite me, and got a response to the effect of "nobody would invite you, you're a loser" (with token laughing from the eavesdropping kids).

Clearly she meant for me to present myself in a more socially "natural" way, but it was naive advice because whatever damage had been done to my image wouldn't be easily reversible, so I became more disconnected. There I was, thinking this problem would subside, never suspecting it would be a harbinger for later shame-filled moments like not being picked for sports teams in middle school.

I'm glad this kid got people to show up, strangers expressing kindness, but it still bugs me that his classmates or neighbourhood kids couldn't care less. They were essentially sending a message "the day you were born isn't something we'd want to celebrate"

I am an Aspie who has had the good fortune to be able to ask my old classmates I went to school with now that we are all adults exactly why as a child I never was invited to parties (well once when I was 11). I only was ever invited over to someone's house once because I sort of strong armed him into it. And I was actually very surprised the feedback I got from people.

It wasn't because I was weird, it wasn't because I was a bit chubby or anything the kids may have thought less of me for. It ironically came from the strength I put off. Apparently the other kids never felt I needed a connection with them. I appeared to always just do things on my own and was fine with that. I never seemed to need the support and comradery that most people do. The irony was that all I wanted was just to be someone's friend. So although the desire was there I clearly did not show the vulnerability or need for friendship connections. Yay for Aspie lack of emotional expressiveness I guess.

I remember it being very twisted too. There was a group of about 4-5 guys that regularly would mess with me in a very bully-like way. We were on the same sports teams and had the same classes so there was no way to avoid them. One day in almost the same breath they said something very dickish and then very nice and I remember being very clearly confused by this. I asked them, "Do you consider me your friend?!" and they were like, "Yes, don't be dumb." This floored me. This is how friends are treated? As adults they tell me it was because they said they knew I was too extreme with my tolerances of what they did. They could tease me up to a point but at a certain point I'd physically lash out and hurt them pretty bad so they'd mess with me as much as they knew I'd let them. I knew they hung out a lot with each other and I asked why I was never invited to which they said, "You never seemed like you'd be interested in going to anything we did."

I'm 32 now and I'll be honest, I'm terrified to adopt a kid due to this. I know kids model themselves after their parents early on and I worry how I communicate with people is going to have disastrous influence on the kid. I don't want him to have an inviteless childhood.

The story that hit the news wasn't a great example, though, because the boy's mom really did not do anything to follow up on who might come or why if they didn't. Unfortunately, extensive follow up is the only way to make sure kids come to ANY birthday party you set up, ASD child or not.

That said, I do know that party invites can be a real problem for ASD kids, and should note that while my son did get invited to enough parties to feel he wasn't excluded, he also stopped enjoying them by age 9, as parties started to be outings to places he didn't care for to start with. I actually had to talk him into accepting an invitation to a basketball game with his best friend!

Making sure my son had the social life he wanted did take extra effort on MY part, and I try to impart those strategies to parent who see their own kids left out and hope to change it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it does not. The best thing any parent to an ASD child can do for that child is live in a community that is open to and accepting of differences.

Life was much happier for my son after he realized he didn't really like birthday parties - either his own or his friends. That just took a whole layer of stress out of his life forever, even if it did introduce some different (but less stressful) problems.

Why is so important to celebrate someone´s birthday?

Some people like to....

As I associate my birthday with a period of reflection on how my life is going, most birthdays are depressing affairs for me...unworthy of celebration.

The sad thing is that you shouldn't expect people to come to a party just because they are invited. Normally, you invite people you know would want to come. Parents want to invite everyone they (or their kid) wants to see show up, and when the reality hits that most of those people don't care, it's very harsh. It'd be more of an issue if people you thought were your friends didn't bother to show than people who don't even count as acquaintances.

I don't get invited to parties.

Pretty much the same story here only we moved at the age of 9 and I had to start over (9-10 is probably the single worst time to move a child). As usual I took the advice literally and that made things ten times worse because I acted like a robot. I did have almost nobody show up to my huge 9th birthday at a swimming pool but to be fair there was a blizzard going on that day.

I still to this day don't know why I was excluded so much, even at family gatherings I was tolerated at best. I was a sweet, caring child who tried to be kind to all.


That still happens to this day. I cannot figure out why they don't just ask anyway. For crying out loud I rarely turn down any reasonable invitations and yes, have even been known to skip hockey games for social events. What I find incredible is that if I say "NO" just once I am never asked again but others can say no 5-10 times in a row and still get invited.

I got invited to birthday parties as a child, probably not as many as some kids, but enough to remember and not feel excluded. I did enjoy them, although I used to get a little anxious inside. But it was nice to be invited, so I still turned up and enjoyed myself.

I never had birthday parties of my own. My mum couldn't really afford them, and she's not one for organizing parties, especially kid's parties, because she worried that nobody would turn up and then she would feel hurt. But I did have loads of cousins, so I just celebrated my birthdays with them, which just as good, and also me and my mum knew we could rely on them because we were a close family. So I didn't really need to invite everyone from my class. Maybe my mum might have invited one or two kids from nursery when I was really little, but I can't remember that far back.

I am hoping to get married to my boyfriend, but I'm already worrying about who to invite. I'm worried that if I invite people outside family they might not turn up, and then I would have wasted money on their meals and everything. Also I would be hurt. I want my boyfriend to think I'm well-respected, because he seems to be well-respected and all his friends will probably turn up. It doesn't matter if one or two don't turn up, but when you invite a whole load of people and none of them turn up, it is pretty hurtful.

I got invited to birthday parties when I was early elementary school by kids who I played with who were in my neighborhood. That lasted from 6-9. I had gotten invited to a young girl's 6th birthday party who everyone played with but agreed that she was a little brat. It was at that party that my weirdness started becoming more and more evident by

1. Getting upset and crying because the birthday girl tugged on me and yelled into my ear that it was "her birthday."
2. I was scared of Ursula the sea witch and didn't like her on my little mermaid party plate and I covered her up
3. Tattled on the little girl for sharing a fragrance from a new present with every other girl in the room except me.

After that the kids in my neighborhood played with me but never took the time to invite me to their things. I remember confronting one of the mothers who had invited everyone to their daughter's pool party but me. I asked why I wasn't in invited and I got "I didn't know you wanted to come."

As for having people refused to come to my things that happened to me 5 years ago when I moved into my new condo and I had invited lots of people including my co-workers. None of them came. A few said they were coming. One said they "Forgot" and the other told me they planned on attending but was so upset about their grandmother so they and their spouse decided to take a little drive first and ended up going out of town. I also didn't get a card or anything from anyone and not even the boss. They bought gifts for everyone else. What was worse is that the boss had a son with severe autism.

I meant that none of my co-workers showed up. I had other people make it who I had fun with. I was just hurt that no one from work did.

Birthday parties are stupid, period. Luckily, they were not that common when I was a kid growing up. It seems to
be a more modern thing. But I recall never been chosen for a team when we played games at school, as I was
so un coordinated!

I think that with time, you simply see these events for what they are, meaningless, and not fret about it too much
or take it to heart.

I recall once when I was still driving, passed a woman I knew walking and offered her a ride. She was
going to a "ladies only " party at the house of a mutual friend. I drove her there, in great pain because
I had not been invited. That hurt, but it was a wake up call to me that either I needed new friends, or
needed to change some of my own behaviours IF attending the party meant so much.

I still don't get invited to things as an adult as far as birthdays go. Here is one example

About 4 years ago and a close friend of mine had turned 30. Her mother put together a surprise birthday party for her and invited all of their close friends and family who they were comfortable with. Meanwhile she didn't have the courtesy to invite me. This was only after my aunt and I had taken my friend down to Disney World Two years in a row. I also had meant a lot to my friend or so she told me.

Other ones

When I graduated from high school I had been associating with someone off and on who I was better off with and vise versa. She and her family also used us for things as well. Anyway she came but wasn't really excited to be there and took very little interest in me. I didn't read those cues either. She ended up turning 16 right after that and started ignoring me. I know she was having a birthday bash but didn't include me. I called her up and yelled at her all summer for that.

I couldn't help but feel sad for the boy. It was a fortunate I did get invited to three sleepovers as a kid, a dance party several times from a girl in my junior high and I have been invited to several birthday parties by some of my friends. When I had my own party at age nine (which I shouldn't have, perhaps only invite two of my friends but I didn't want hurt feelings so I invited all the girls from my class as my mom suggested) only half of the girls showed up and I didn't care but it was overwhelming for me but yet I did fine at other kids parties including my brothers. I never had one again.


Maybe the reason why the kid invited everyone from class is because of the school rule about having to invite everyone if you are going to hand out invitations in school.

Accoridng to my husband, it's about other people. You invite people over so you can visit with them and talk and have a good time, it's not about the child. Kassianne once wrote an article about it called "Your birthday is for other people" however she titled it. I am sure you can still find it online if you google the title.

I always thought it was about the presents, you invite people over so you can get more gifts. I have always loved them because I was always curious to see what presents they got and I loved cake and the games and goody bags. I thought that was what they were about. But honestly not all parties have to be like that, some just invite their friends over and they hang out or go out and do something fun together. Some do sleepovers.

So, people celebrate their birthday for others. If it is for others they know, why do they receive gifts on their birthday? I mean, if it is about the individuals they invite, they should not expect gifts, then.

Thank you for answering my question, by the way.

People receive gifts on their birthday--because it's their birthday. It's a celebration of the person's birth. It's a nice gesture--especially from the viewpoint of the recipient.

I got invited to the parties where they invited the whole class, but my mother rarely let me go to them. I never had parties. Maybe thats why I like going to and giving parties now.