Would love to hear about happy Aspergians

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As is often the case, I'm an NT mother of an asperger's teenage son, and I'm so worried about him.

We just have a really bad situation in our household right now that can't be helped at all.

My father-in-law, who is decidedly on the spectrum but was never diagnosed, is living with us because he is dieing of bone cancer. This is not an appealing man. He's always been difficult to live with -- and I am only just now truly understanding why, and this is because he has real Theory of Mind problems. He just cannot see another person's persective. So, he is a deeply selfish, self-absorbed man who is hard to like -- but on the other hand, he has a very real disease, and is depressed because his outlook is bleak.

My husband, who is normally a very good, happy guy, is understandably depressed because his father, who has never been nice to him, is now living with us. He feels the normal concern for his father, worries about his father's health and depression, but is also depressed (slightly) because his father isn't a nice man, and this is causing strain in our family.

Then there's my asperger's son, who is now home from school for the summer. He's a really nice kid, generally happy, but has no friends. We attend church, but he has no friends there (and there's a very social youth group there -- he just doesn't feel comfortable with anybody there). He has some friends at school, but nobody who calls to hang out with him or anything. He will be doing boy scout camp, through our church, and some kind of peer social skills group at his ADD therapist's office -- but other than that, no social outlet for the entire summer.

Father-in-law, who normally doesn't care about anybody outside of himself, is suddenly concerned for our son because he is witnessing that our son has no friends. Maybe he can see some of himself in our son, and is feeling bad about that. The fact that Father-in-law is concerned about my son is making me hyper aware that my son has no friends. And yet, how in heaven's name can I facilitate anything for my son under these living conditions?

I'm feeling horrible about the whole situation. I just worry, especially after reading much on WrongPlanet, that my son will never have good connections with other people. I used to have a very positive outlook for him, but I think that I'm just worn out.

Are any of you happy? Do you have friends? Are you comfortable in your lives? I just desperately want to hear if there are happy people with Asperger's. I really love this kid, and I love him as he is, and yet I worry for him because I know that he's wishing he had friends, but has no clue as to how to socialize. Should I push him into social situations? Everything that I've read on this site from people with asperger's says no, I shouldn't push my son into social situations. But if I don't, how will he ever learn?

I'm a 47 year-old Aspergian adult and I am as happy as the average NT is... which is, in general, not very happy, but I am satisfied with my accomplishments. I try to surround myself with supportive people. I know where my strengths lie. I know how to ask for help when I need it... and I accept that things don't always go they way I would like.

If you help provide your child with the tools for success, then he will succeed as well as anyone else and with that comes much happiness.

I think you should be aware that most internet support forums...and probably most forums in general, have a somewhat negative tone. People usually don't come on support forums to write about how happy they are.

There are many people with AS who are married, have children, and fulfilling jobs and you will not hear much from them because they are happily busy with their spouses, children, and jobs.

While you should be concerned about your son's social life, or lack there of, I think you also have to keep in mind that while your son might be lonely, people with AS also have limited tolerance for social interaction, and generally do not find social isolation nearly as unbearable as an NT would. A person with AS is usually happiest with a small number of close friends, who they see every few days to every few weeks, or sometimes, every few months.

Chronos, you responded with what I needed to hear. Thank you.

It is absolutely true that most forums don't have the happy, content people writing in because they are out there doing stuff, too busy to be on a forum.

I used to write on this forum because I felt that I was one of the happy, content people -- and I really wanted to help others with what I thought was good information from my "vast" amounts of experience.

Now, I am one of the less-content people asking for answers in the middle of the night.

So, thank you.

I tried.

Thank you, dyingofpoetry -- I must have received your post AFTER Chronos'.

I guess I just wish my son could know what it's like to have one friend call and come over sometimes.

I think he is well enough liked, and like you, dyingofpoetry, I hope that he will be satisfied with his life. I guess I hope that he has at least a choice of friends, eventually, so that he won't feel too alone.

Happy here

You appear to have a difficult situation but I would hope things play. Learning to socialise comes with time and is learnt among peers as you infer that he goes away to school I hope that it is one within which his needs are met, I began to learn to be social about the age of 14 and it was no easy process but I did leave school 3 years later able to negotiate most social situations. I have never successfully had a partner but have no problem with that, I do have many friends and have for the 38 years since leaving school what I must say is a comparatively happy life.

I may not have the happiest life but I'm doing what I love which is studying fine arts with a scholarship Seriously, alot of the post graduate students (talking about the 40 - 60 year olds) have come back to study fine arts because they weren't allowed to when they were my age. They were teachers, bosses and dressmakers, they've come back to study what they love. I have a very supportive boyfriend, he has supported me through the last years of high school right to supporting me now through my final year. When my parents abandoned me last year (the week before christmas) he took me in and he even paid for my uni fees! I'm happy I have a decent boyfriend and a wonderful degree

The best thing you can do as a parent is to be more of a parent and less of a friend. My mother tries to be my friend. If she was my friend, then I would take her to keggers. Even so, I'm generally happy because the main thing I need (my space) I get. Happy aspergians, happy anyone, what happy people all have in common is their biggest personal needs are taken care of.

Sorry to hear about your current living situation, sounds tough.

I would say that despite a current bad situation (unemployed) that I am generally happy.

I DO have friends, however do not see them often due to unemployment and getting older means they're less social and more concerned about their wives and children then spending time going out drinking like we used to - this is what makes my current bad situation so bad. I have friends and the capacity to have friends if it was not for my current financial situation. I didn't have many friends when I was younger and lack of social interaction can upset me a lot, but I can be fine without people...many people with AS can be.

As for if I'm comfortable in my life - depends how you mean.
My AS and other factors like poverty prevented me from attending university so my job prospects are poor and I am coming to accept that poverty will now be a life-long condition for me, as too will a lot of associated negative aspects of life. Ask me this again when I have a job my outlook would be much sunnier - considering that I'm a happy person and reasonably happy now despite long-term unemployment and long-term poverty...that should tell you something.

Don't push...he doesn't know how to socialise, so how would you pushing him change that? It won't, instead you'll just make him uncomfortable, or risk doing the socialising for him, and trust me as a woman who had a protective parent growing-up you don't want to do that because it just breeds resentment. He'll learn, one day he will grasp it or at least find some people who he can socialise with - he sounds like he may be high-functioning enough to be capable of friendship - possibly give him options to socialise such as social groups, but other than that he'll probably get there himself as he gets older.

I fend off the depression with medication. :/

Honestly, you shouldn't push him into social situations; even that boy scout thing, you should really ask him if he actually wants to do it. Instead, find social things that revolve around his interests. Conventions can be good, provided he doesn't have a noise hypersensitivity.
If he has any hobbies, support him in that. Trading card games are especially good for us, since they revolve entirely around a fixed set of rules.

I had no friends during most of my childhood, or sometimes just one friend for a while, and I filled the social gap with animals.

I loved dogs and even though I wasn't allowed to have any pets myself, I went out and made friends with all of the neighborhood dogs, and their owners were quite happy to let me walk them whenever I wanted because they knew me as being dependable. I just became the free neighborhood dog-walker so all the dog owners loved me.

So me and the dogs would go in the woods and hunt for mice or play by ourselves, for hours almost every day. I "raised" some of those dogs from puppies and trained them, just like they were my own. They were always my friends and playmates and I felt quite happy about it.

Perhaps your son would benefit from having a special relationship with an animal companion.

The important question as regards your son, however, is - how does he feel about his social situation? Does he have friends, possibly friends you don't really know about? Does he even want them?

Most of my social issues as a teenager came from the fact that nobody knew what Asperger's was back then, and I was trying to fit the image everyone had of what I was "supposed to" be like. It made me miserable, because these other kids didn't really want me around, and when I was allowed to be honest with myself, I didn't want them around either - my idea of a good day involved the library or my room, not swiping somebody's beer and lying about sex.

Today, I am content. I'd be happier if I had better financial prospects, of course, but again, I reached adulthood without learning why I was different from all the other adults, so I got little preparation for how to live my life. However, I am getting by financially. I am living with people I love (my "wife", now legally divorced, and her legal husband, my best friend, as well as our children, a girl from me and a boy from him - our family is unconventional, but happy). I don't have lots of meatspace friends, but that suits me, because I don't really want lots of meatspace friends. (People in meatspace say things like, "Don't you just hate being cooped up inside in this nice weather?" First of all, I'm not "cooped up" - I like inside, it's where I keep my books and TV and internet access and everything. Second, this weather isn't "nice", it's hot and the sun is glaring out of the sky. Give me a day when the sky is gray with clouds and the high temp doesn't get above about 65 degrees F, and I'll concede the weather is nice - but I'd still rather be in here, thanks.) I do have a few friends online, which is the way I like it.

I am happily married. I have been in my current job for 11 years, and I am good in it. I have 4½ wonderful children, and we'll have another baby in November. Yes, I am happy. And yes, I have been diagnosed with F84.5.

Thanks so much for all of the great posts. It really does help to hear how people are content with their lives, even though they are sometimes unconventional. Actually, it's the unconvential lives that are so cool!! !

My son is NOT the type that likes being by himself necessarily. I think he's OK with it, but not necessarily happy. He's had good experiences in the past with situations like scouting -- last year he went on a biking trip for four days with his scout group, and absolutely loved it. That's why I was surprised that this year, he refused to go. Oddly enough, though, over the weekend, he decided to go. He said he didn't like the hiking aspect, but once he found out there was a paintball activity at the end of the hiking activity, he was in. This just seems to be a healthy thing for him to do -- be with other boys he knows, one who has Asperger's, doing something other than playing xbox all summer long. I'm fine with him having some down time after a very difficult academic school year and playing xbox to relax -- but I honestly don't think he's happy doing that for an entire summer.

My son is the type of guy that likes doing things with friends, but it just doesn't occur to HIM to initiate things. I guess I often wonder how to help him figure that out.

I'm a teenage male with aspergers, and about a year ago I was much like your son.However, In that year my social skills have improved dramatically, and within the past few months I've even found friends to hang out with on the weekends. I am extremely opptumistic as a go into high school. Don't give up hope for your son.