How can an Aspie person become tough???

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Like how can an aspie become tough and respected, while at the same time still being liked by his/her friends and aquiantances? I've been bullied a lot, and I'm getting tired of it. But I don't know how to be tough, because the thing is when I raise my voice to someone who has made me really mad, like my litle sister for example, I get called a "pyscho" becasue I don't get angry a lot, because I'm shy and quiet, so they are not used to it, and dont like the fact that the "weirdo" id standing up to them.

So how can an Aspie become confident and tough, when from what I read up on AS on teh internet, that it is programmed in our brains to be shy and a pushover.

Welcome to the "psycho" club - although in my case, it's for the same reason as you and also because I mostly stay quiet. People don't seem to like that. Also, no matter where you go, you'll meet people who like to put people in cute little "stereotype boxes". There's an alarming people doing that, but hey, one day they'll notice on how much they're missing out on.


Being confident and tough isn't "not being shy and a pushover", by the way. I'm all four of the things you've stated above, and they don't form a contradiction. Toughness and confidence came through years of giving a s**t for all the people who bullied me or emotionally abused me, to the point that I barely take any notice when someone tries to take pot shots at me anymore. However, they do not eradicate shyness and social awkwardness, especially when people fail to understand you and classify you as all sorts of ugly things that you are not (I get called cold, unemotional, scheming, uninterested, pessimistic and a lot of other random "words" that those guys - and girls - use without even trying to grasp the idea that I might appear all that just because I can't read body language and misunderstand them from time to time)

We don't need to be confident and tough. (unless your profession requires it, like a soldier or cop.)
I thought I needed to be confident and tough when I was in high school.
Then I learned that it has few practical applications in real life.
The world is not a Guy Ritchie movie.
I should have spent my time pursuing my talents, instead of
developing a rude-boy persona that nobody liked anyway.

Bullies are just bullies. Haters gonna' hate.
Their consent means nothing. You gain nothing by defeating them.
Your #1 objective is to not let them waste your time.
Keep this in mind the next time they try to block your way.

The best way is just to find people who accept you as you are.

If someone is enough of a problem that you need to act tough, they are not worth expending any of your energy.

LittleSwallow, you cannot change certain traits and if you'd try to become another person, in the end you would miss who you really are.

My own sister (12 yrs. younger than i) has a way not to listen to things which are important to me. I mail her something i consider being important and i wish to share it with her since in a way we are really close. Then i pick up the topic a few days later and she doesn't even know what i'm talking about. At this point i would need to tell her all over and sometimes i wish i could wring her neck because this is so IGNORANT!

But my anger and frustration dissolve pretty quickly and i decide to write it down in my diary, so in the long run i know that all i'm expected to do is listening.

Through the biggest part of my childhood i was bullied and beaten up by other kids. Thereby i've learned to withdraw into myself. Not a bad thing at all, at least i found my fantasy realms much more appealing than what other kids were occupied with.

If you try to become tough it would mean you want to be like the bullies.

I figured that those who call others mental do this only for the purpose to prevail. It's a knockout argument and as cruel and mean as calling an overweight person a fat pig. Everyone has vulnerabilities. Be true to yourself.

That is exactly right. When we otherwise quiet people get pushed enough to stand up for ourselves/set boundaries, people just call us psycho because they don't like it. But what does that make them if they are always losing their temper, yelling, or even the mere fact that they need someone to push around to make themselves feel better in the first place?

If people don't like you when you stand up for yourself then they are not true friends anyway. People told me that countless times and it's hard to accept but it's better to just stay away from those people than know that you're going to end up in an endless cycle of being upset by someone or compromising yourself to get them to "like" you.

Okay, how about a raised eyebrow? In response to teasing that's gone too far. And you don't need to know for sure. You need to merely feel that it's gone too far. Or, and next level, let the corner of your mouth come up in the beginning of a smile (practice in the mirror). You're letting them know that you're on to them, and that you're actually looking forward to a good argument.

In general, get angry earlier.

If you've been their favorite victim for 'joking' for a while, it might take a while and take some effort on your part for them to decide that you're no longer a good victim.

I generally agree with this quote. You don't want to waste time with idiots. But it might take a while to change the 'role' others have assigned you.

The other point is that if you act like this, you're playing their game and will lose every time. Even when you win, you still lose.

Practice making that evil smile whenever someone trolls you.
Then practice getting in a private location with people at will.
Then privately make quiet idle threats that are very imaginative and twisted.
If the person has a reputation as being a bully, and you are in private, people won't believe that you attacked the person. Maybe a little shin kick, or a knee to the groin, or the popular sudden strangle hold up against a wall, or perhaps a jab to the soft tissue below the ribcage.

Also, people who have difficulty communicating normally tend to sound like psycho's when they yell or try to be mean. It not only freaks people out in an unfriendly way, it gives them more material to tease you later.

If none of the above appeals to you, you are not cut out for being tough. Maybe you should find someone tough to be your friend instead.
You can always invest in some martial arts lessons. Martial artists are tough.

I have tried every method and technique for getting even with bullies, and I enjoyed and had fun doing everything. They had it coming to them, and nobody ever believed I was capable of any of it because I'm the shy socially awkward guy who talks only to the grown-ups.

Personally, although I am nice by defaut, I've learned to be as tough as I need to be in any given situation, which can be a very unpleasant surprise for the person who fails to undestand this.

What's wrong with "psycho"? In a situation that demands that the other person fear you, it can be surprisingly effective.

In the case of bullies, spontaneous physical violence often achieves the desired results. Fortunately, I've not had to do this since High School, but there have been a couple of close calls with guys who were bothering my (then) girlfriend...

True that.

Like others have said though, it's more about being confident than being "tough", there's no way I could ever be physically imposing to anyone, but I've threatened dudes during certain misunderstandings who would certainly have beaten me to a pulp and come out of the whole thing with zero respect towards my "toughness" but definite respect in general and had good times drinking with those dudes in the future when we happened to cross paths.


I forgot to read the ages of the people posting in here, but a good high school analogy was some dude came up to me after school one day, he was a sophomore and I was a junior but I was small and I guess he thought I was a freshman. Dude was like 8 inches above me and tried to hassle me and I basically told him "you don't know who you're f*****g with" (which was half true, I wouldn't necessarily have been able to beat him down but my friends sure would have), he walked away and I never heard a peep again.

Tough is an attitude not a character type. You want to be tough, tell the guy to hit you or shut the f up. thats tough. When you smile after he hits you, thats tough psycho. No one wants to mess with a tough psycho.

but to be honest, the toughest people i ever met where tough only to the bullys, they would be a complete dick to them and would force the guys to back down, but to there friends they where always normal, and nice. The only thing more scary then a tough psycho, is a man who walks softly yet everyone knows he carry's a big huge mother fking stick.

Not sure if you can become "respected" as people must give you respect, but to toughen up...a lot of that is learning what you can and cannot do...challenging yourself to grow and believe in what you know you can do well.

It's easier to stand up for yourself when you KNOW you know what you are doing.

Well, you can do it the hard way, like I did, end up in jail, go through all the related fun of that, and then you'll be a tough boy, like Kenshiro from Fist of the North Star. [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaYlfxR6qRI[/youtube]

In all seriousness, though. You got more or less 2 choices. Have actual hard things happen to you, and develop the thick skin and PTSD type stuff that comes with it, or just act like you got a chip on your shoulder. If you do option 2, people who you'd generally have no reason to fear will fear you, and then people who do you have reason to fear will likely call your bluff.

Jail helped me a lot, I had to learn to analyze people as potential threats, and be very assertive. Some of it helped me in the civilized world, mostly it did, however, I got almost "too" assertive, to the point where people would think I was just weird or a troublemaker.

I guess real "toughness" is actually more what people would call assertiveness. I'd say assertiveness consists of, well, acting based upon what you believe. If you believe someone is wronging you, stand up for yourself. Having a principled thought process, not compromising it. People respect that a lot, but also fear it a lot, too. If you have a principled thought process, that makes you dangerous in many people's eyes, as you just don't float along with everyone else.

However, part of it is figuring out what a logical way to deal with the problem is. For me, Christianity helped me a lot, the ideal model in it is assertiveness, standing up for what you believe, without being aggressive towards others. Jesus was meek and humble, yes, but would call out the Pharisees, and flipped over the tables of the market in the temple selling blemished animals for sacrifices. Jesus basically didn't take sh!t from nobody, but when the people were crucifying them, he said "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." To me it's amazing, the paradigm.

So basically, you're going to either need a lifechanging experience that requires real toughness, ie, being in the Army, jail, etc, or you're going to have to just not let people walk all over you.

One thing, now, I might add, after going to jail, I got much less interested in "seeming" tough, because I knew what I had been through, and knew what I was capable of. Now I figure skate and listen to girly dance music all day. Eventually you'll feel more and more as though you have less and less to prove to people, and your actions will accompany it, and then people will treat you differently.

If you want specific stories of Aspies being tough, there's alot, just it generally doesn't end well for the Aspie. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ken-reibe ... 21256.html The cops were being dicks to him, and he responded back accordingly. However that also got him 2 years in jail! With Aspergers people, there's I think a huge possibility of them becoming tough as nails and not taking sh!t from anyone. However, when that happens, a lot of times they end up in jail.
(edited my post cuz it was too long and personal)

Last edited by 1000Knives on 08 Sep 2011, 10:59 am, edited 2 times in total.

Here's my experience. Bullies usually only respect those who stand up for themselves. You have to choose your battle wisely but you also HAVE to stand up for yourself. BTW - I'm not advocating hitting as an option, but instead using words.

One time in elementary school my mom told me to tell the bullies to "take a long walk off a short pier". They laughed so hard they left me alone for a while. Never expected little me to tell em off. Looking back, it was kinda a funny thing to say. Basically I caught them off guard with humor...so they walked away thinking "that kids alright afterall"...at least thats what I imagined they were thinking haha

As an adult, I've also stood up to a woman twice my size. I was really mad. I had been nice to her and her daughter and she pushed and pushed. So I got in her face. BUT I got in her face and listed every thing nice I had ever done for her and ended with "and THAT'S why you owe me more RESPECT than this!" She was stunned. I walked away and spent the rest of the day terrified that she was squash me like a fly. I looked like a midget next to her. Well you wouldn't believe it but she came back later that evening and actually APOLOGIZED TO ME! What a relief. She sure as hell respected me after that. I didn't hate her, I just wanted her to stop annoying me.

But also, sisters.....well they don't count. You get in trouble for telling them off. They can run to mom.dad and you're instantly in trouble. You can't do a damn thing about family structure. They've pegged you and they won't unpeg you....at least my family never did. Just have respect for yourself in your heart and maybe one day it will rub off on her.