Give me ideas!

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I feel kind of stupid having to ask this kind of thing, but maybe you guys can help me.

All my life I've had a bit of trouble with friendships. Any friendships I make never seem to extend beyond the social setting that I made them in. For example, I had friends at school but we never did anything together outside of school. When it inevitably ended, so did the friendships.

I'm at uni now and I'm noticing the same sort of thing. What I would like is some advice on how to create more lasting friendships.

I've already kind of made a start on this. I went to the movies with someone from uni. The whole experience went alright I guess, but I'm trying to make any sort of 'get-together' a regular thing. My problem is I have no idea what to suggest next. Any ideas at this point are welcome.

I have a few general concerns and questions.

1. People usually have more than 1 friend that they might hang out with regularly. I don't. What I don't want to do is demand too much of their time or be too 'needy' or anything like that, if you know what I mean. So how often do you guys try to keep in touch with your friends?
2. My anxiety is already through the roof... I really don't want to suggest something stupid, but I don't think I can simply keep asking them to pick something to do. At this point I have no idea what's normal, what people like to do etc. Dealing with friends feels completely new to me. The total uncertainty is stressing me out.
3. We don't have any shared interests as far as I know. To be honest I would not even be able to put into words how or why we're friends. I should probably ask them more about there interests at some point in the future (and be a bit more open about myself, too) but for now I haven't got a clue.

... I thought I had more information to give when I started but nothing else is coming to mind. So yeah if anyone can give me some advice I'd really appreciate it. If you have any questions or anything let me know.

Oh, and I'm a male and my friend is female if that matters.

This sort of thing happens. I wouldn't rush it, or expect that "gee, with so many folks I hang out with here while I'm in school, there *has* to be someone who'll be interested in continuing to do things/keeping in touch."



You have some good ideas already, regarding finding out what (a) the other person involved is interested in; (b) whether she does in fact want to continue doing things, etc.

How to find out ... that will be harder to give advice on. Us introverts like overanalyzing things, but timing is a factor too. Other than that, trust your instincts.

This reminds me of an episode of the Big Bang Theory I watched where Sheldon developed an algorithm for making friends....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Cuoxa59jxI

(to OP = please don't think I have posted the youtube link to make fun of you or your post...I just thought it would lighten the mood and make you smile! )

I know that she at least wants to stuff outside of uni. She said so. The problem that leaves me with is what and how often.

I've come up with some general ideas on what to do/where to suggest but I can't tell if it sounds like a stupid idea or not.

I have no experience of doing stuff with other people (well, no successful experience) besides other people's birthdays mostly... I try to think of times I've seen/heard other people go places and all I remember is that they tended to go out in groups, not one-on-one. I've no confirmed interests to go by and no real experience to guide me either.

Even though I know that if I suggest something it's probably not going to be a big deal I steel feel pretty terrible about it.

@Mishmash: don't worry about it. I didn't take offense or anything. I'm not really trying to come up with a 'recipe for friends' here. I know that I need to find someone that shares interests with me (this will ultimately be impossible, I think, since I'm very much closed off to other people atm but anyway...). Right now I feel like I'm in a position where I have to do something soon and I'm not going to get an opportunity to even talk with them again before I do. Which is why I'm asking for ideas(!).

@AngelKnight: 19 years without any close friends... I'm not prepared to wait another 19 more. Besides, my biggest problem was I rarely reciprocated with other people... I think I need to take the initiative for once and express interest.

I understand your dilemma, as I have been through the same thing myself. I know it is very nervewracking to invite someone to socialize at a specific time and place, and often feels awkward.

Here are some alternative ideas:

If she is a member of any kind of club then you could also join if it involved something that you were interested in. That would mean you would no longer be in a "one-on-one' situation and would also relieve any concerns about when you should meet up. Alternatively, you could join a club you think she may be interested in and invite her along. Just as an example, a lot of universities have film clubs which regularly show a film every week.

Think of somewhere you would like to go alone, whether it is an event, a museum, an art gallery, a film or whatever, and just casually invite her along. If she isn't really interested then just tell her its fine and you'll go on your own, since you wanted to go and do that thing by yourself anyway.

Offer to lend her things that you think she might interested in e.g Books, CDs, DVDs. Then you naturally meet up when she gives the items back, and they provide a good basis for discussion.

As to how often you should meet up with her, I agree its hard to know where to draw the line between being withdrawn and being needy. I think its different in every situation, so its hard to give exact advice. My main advice would be to be to make a judgement about how busy her life is and how many other friends she has. Obviously, the more hectic her life, the less time she will have to hang out with you. If in doubt, I say lean towards giving her a bit of space. In my experience, friends are much more likely to feel smothered than neglected.

Thanks foxfield. I've already made a decision and gone with it.

I don't actually see her at university anymore. Different courses + timetable clash.