Spontaneous Interaction

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So Ive probably made 3 threads already, attempted explained this to 2 docs, my mom, a few friends whats my biggest social problems. When I described what it was like, people dont really seem to get it. And boom, its right in the dsm. I just didnt know. It seems that a lot of aspies dont have this problem as severely as I do. This is one of the reasons why I find it hard to make acquintances and friends. Not that I dont, its just harder then most people.

All the other social symptoms/crieria listed under category 1 is very mild for me now. This is the one symptom that is seriously standing in the way of me being able to socially interact completely normally.

Does anybody know any practical tips in learnin how to learn this skill better. Because Im able to read social cues fairly decently by now, this still has gotten better because I regulate my interactions based on my abilities to read people. But its such a conscious attempt, its so hard to know when its ok to talk in a group setting or when its ok to say something to someone I barely know that I just happen to be standing next to. When its ok to greet people, how does their body langauge have to be in proximety to me.

I explain and explain and no one gets it cause its so automatic to everyone.

In my experience, this comes with practice. In my teens and early twenties I had the exact same thing, but of course this was back in the eighties, where diagnosis was far less common. So I was never diagnosed. So I understand a bit.

A few things. Yes it's good to learn the theory of human interaction, there are books for this (others can probably post better links than I can.) And then - practice. This is the only way to get good at anything. Also, travel and realise that not all societies work like ours, and there are more natural ways for people to be with each other than this.

Also, learn to be different *with style*. Write down your observations. Let people discover your thinking. As you and your surrounding people grow older and more mature, you'll find that you get appreciated more for being genuinely different. Follow your special interests and make them available for NTs. They are bound to find you interesting, which gives you a way into genuine conversations that aren't about nothing.

I'm now in my forties and am considered a social butterfly and a networker par excellence. A lot of this stuff is just people learning some basics and following them, and I'm always surprised people genuinely like me even though I'm not like them. Spontaneity will come when you stop being self conscious, and that will come with practice, and with a feeling of being accepted.

As you are out there, I can promise there will be a moment when you lose your fear of social interaction, because people are just people. When that moment will come, and how much going through the motions it will take, I can't promise.

It gets easier - but you need to do your bit.

Share spontaneously first, then read the reaction. When people are not interested in the comment you made, they will typically not respond. And that's OK. That's your cue to drop it. But more usually, people will respond with positive interest; so in this case you've opened a conversation.

I think the key is to share spontaneously understanding that not everyone will be open to it and not to FEEL rejected when that happens. How can you control your feelings of rejection in such a case? Understand that when someone doesn't respond, they're in effect setting a boundry with you. If you drop it, you are responding appropriately to their boundry; respecting their boundry.

Thanks so far. I just think that, spontaneous interaction is not natural for me. I need to get to know a person often to learn how to interact with them. I used to just think this was mostly shyness but then I've been recently put on meds which calm down the conscious social anxiety a lot. And I find, its just my style to sit on the side and observe. Its just a social component that's not natural at all. Understandably, social interaction in general is not natural for most aspies. Even when I was in pre-school and early elementary school, my mom told me that I used to be more of an observer. I would sorta play with the other kids, but just on the side.

But yeah, I'll try reading more books on human interaction. Right now Im in Speech and communications class. Reading the text has been very helpful in describing from a factual perspective how humans naturally interact. What NTs naturally do, it explains behavior that is conscious and unconscious with NTs. And I think its a textbook that all aspies should read.

Do you have a link to the text book?

http://www.oup.com/us/companion.website ... /?view=usa

Heres a link to the website. I dont know if you can find a free pdf version but you can probably buy an used old edition, super cheap on amazon.

The text is a bit dry, but the info is rather useful in just getting a very academic, straight forward view on how NT human communication really is. It would be useful for any aspie who just doesnt know how people normally communicate and wants to get some perspective.

Great, thank you! I'll get that for both me and my son