Advice in social situations please

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Hello everyone,

I'm so glad I found this place. At last, people who understand
I need some advice re: social situations, and figure you guys are the ones to ask.
I am OK one-to-one if I'm talking to someone I know, but if another person comes up, and starts talking to other person, I feel kind of floundering, not sure if I should join in or sit there feeling like a lemon
If the other person looks at me then I know I am included in the conversation, but if they don't, is that a signal of some sort?
This has happened many times, and I usually end up looking away, so as not to intrude on the conversation but then I feel like I'm acting weird.
Anyone else had this problem?

Also, what are NT's?

Starr

I also hate when that happens, when your in the middle of a conversation and someone decides to join in and take over.Arr...

The best thing to do is look like you are interested even if your not. Wait till you hear the other person finish a sentence and then join in. Gradually change the topic to something else, if the other one is boring you.

The more you practice the better you will get. I do this all the time and it works for me.
You can also try to find a quiet place where no one will disturb you.

NTs-Neurotypicals *Normal* cough cough.

Yes, exactly! I never can tell when I’m included in a conversation. Also there have been many times when I thought people were talking to me and they weren’t, so now days I mostly end up not talking to people when I’m not sure, and I know this seems very rude.

Oh and sorry but I have no advice for you.

If they are talking to you, they will look at you in the eye and then you'll know you are being included in the conversation. NTs tend to ignore us because we don't show much emotion. When they are talking to a group of people they will direct their attention to the most emotional person, the one who talks louder, the one who laughs and smiles a lot.

If the third person comes up and greets you and you just say hi without a smile and with a bored look on your face, he/she will start talking to the other person automatically.

So, you could try to show more emotions, act like you are really interested in what they are saying, if you want to. On the other hand you could just be your self and sit back silently... it isn't so bad and people will respect you. The most important thing is to be sure and happy about what you are doing, this floundering that you talk about is evil...

You can also attract their attention talking more, redirecting the conversation to topics of your interest. Don't start just asking questions because they will feel uncomfortable.

It is very rude to leave someone out of the conversation and most of the times it happens, it's the aspie's fault, we are the ones who step out (unwillingly, I know). Remember that this is their society we're living on, we cannot expect everyone of them to spend a year reading to learn how to treat us, in their society we have to play by their rules.

Me, I don't small talk, if I don't have anything important to say, I go away. I live happy.

I'm sorry if i'm not making sense, I don't know what's up with me this morning...

From what I understand is that being in close proximity to a conversation gives you the option of joining in, unless it's a clear-cut private conversation. If you have something to say or respond to, then you should feel free to contribute to the conversation. I usually don't look at people's eyes during conversations either, but I always listen carefully to what the people are saying.

Also, I can't stand small-talk either, but I usually try to listen and respond the best way I can out of politeness.

Thanks everyone, for your thoughts and ideas about this. I don't know, I think I was better at this as a kid than I am now, or maybe just braver. I find social situations sometimes easier than others, depending what mood I'm in. (Do other Aspies find that?)
Sometimes they are like torture and I long to escape, but stick around our of sheer cussedness - I will get the hang of this if it kills me attitude
Also, I think maybe that when you're young people are more tolerant? Being awkward in social situations seems to go more unnoticed then, maybe mistaken for shyness.
I will give it a go, with the eye contact. I think it will help to watch out for NTs signals and concentrate more on what they are saying with their eyes/bodies. Not easy this, is it?

Starr

It seems to me that there is an Aspy tendency to presume that a person has made a clear decision about something, when in reality often that person has not even thought about it or has no particular opinion on the matter.

Saying "I never can tell when I’m included in a conversation", that seems to me that you are wanting to determine whether the other people have decided to include you in the conversation. However they have not made any decision about that. They have not even thought about it. So if you are trying to determine their desires in that regard, ofcourse you cannot determine it because they do not even know themselves.

So the point is, if you cannot determine whether you are included in a conversation, mostly likely you are neither included or excluded.

Good point, emp.

'However they have not made any decision about that. They have not even thought about it. So if you are trying to determine their desires in that regard, ofcourse you cannot determine it because they do not even know themselves'.

Sorry, not sure how you do the quote thingy.

Yes, it is a good point, but the ambiguity is making me nervous

Do you think they actually could have made a decision at some level? All right, they may not have thought it through logically, i.e. shall I invite this person into a conversation, but, maybe at an unconscious level, they would have decided, and made eye contact, or through body-language or whatever, probably in a split-second. This is the difficult bit, I find, interpreting these signals. I suspect they are given and received unconsciously. This is the 'sub text' that I find so difficult to interpret.

nooo NT is someone who isn't on the autism spectrum.

NT means no neurological or psychotic disorders at all. I don't think people with schizophrenia would be classified as NT either.

Tim