Open my mouth and be a fool or keep quiet and just be shy?

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I am naturally a shy person anyway, but I've reached a point in my life where every time I start somewhere new with new people, I never know whether to try and make conversation with people, or to just stay quiet and make them think that I'm just shy. Sometimes, if I talk too much, I go beyond my real self, and just end up making a fool of myself, or making people think I'm really annoying or odd or stupid. If I just stay quiet, can pass myself off as a shy NT more, and people actually judge me less. I don't stim or do other unusual movements, so I'm all right there, and when I do keep quiet I make normal eye contact, give normal greetings, speak when spoken to, and smile at people. That usually works, and people don't see any weirdness in me, and so take their time to get to know me, then a relationship has built up before I know it, then once I feel rather confident with the person, I don't say stupid things so much. The only problem there is, generally chatty people tend to make friendly conversations with me without me having to start off anything to the relationship, whereas others may not bother to speak back and then there are the awkward silences when I feel I should say something but don't know what.

But, ironically, I think keeping shy is a better way to build relationships, rather than entering a room full of strangers and start conversations straight away, if you know what I mean (unless you've got that social knack, which me, as an Aspie, haven't got). What do you do? Do you try to be more confident than you're wired to be, or do you keep quiet and still try to make friendly gestures? What works best for you when meeting new people? We're all different here, so I'd like to hear your views on how you interact when meeting new people. Yes, first impressions are difficult.

I have always been shy and mom told me one time that it's better if I am shy so I am not saying inappropriate things. Shyness probably gives me better social skills until I am not shy.

I don't usually talk to people unless they talk to me and I don't really say much. I am mostly sitting there and letting them talk away at me.

This way of thinking can also be dangerous, because it can attract predatory types who will just rip up your boundaries, pushing you to see how far you can go.

You must speak up for yourself if someone is taking to you a place you don't want to go.

Firstly, Joe90: you're one of the members here that I'd really love to meet. And you're based in Britain too, although too far for me to come visit.

Yes, but that only really works for a short amount of time. People will think there is at least something wrong with you if you never speak.



If you're a woman, it's definitely better - but only up to a point. You need to be able to speak for yourself if needed, as a lot of guys will use your socially anxious nature against you.

Well I do speak when spoken to, and I try to speak with confidence, meaning I don't mumble and I do make normal eye contact and smile - and it usually works with people. I even give off impressions to show that I am aware of what is going on around us, like say if I was part of a group and somebody said something funny that makes the group laugh or grin, I laugh or grin along with them, etc. Stuff like that I have learnt to do pretty well throughout my teens, now I am pretty good at it. So I can easily give off non-verbal cues that make me seem like a friendly person. If somebody spoke to me and I just sat there and not spoke back or even made eye contact or just muttered something, then people will think there is something up and not bother to speak to me again. But if somebody asked me something like, ''so where do you come from?'' I would look at them and say where I come from then I would ask back, ''where do you come from?'' And if they say, I just reply something like, ''oh right'' or ''I've never been there before'' or just something like that. I try to keep it at a level, and not suddenly go too overconfident. I'm not the type to yap away or do monologues or interrupt anyway, which is also good.

Before I've been walking along shy and serious and I've had random girls and even employers say I look attractive or complement me on something physical so I think looks can get a foot in the door and they are important in presentation, they can get you attention but that's only skin deep, it's how you respond to that attention which is important. Ultimately it's a case of how you portray and hold yourself, how you relate and connect to others and how you actually make them feel. If you're an attractive person, it will get you a foot in the door, other than that, just be warm and friendly, talk about what is relevant, the local area, weather, work, training, be brief and casual in what you talk about when first meeting someone and just try to build up that comfort and familiarity, make an effort to be the best you can be, lift weights, dress smart, get your hair styled. Also don't stand in corner straight faced looking disinterested, show that you're actually interested or at least make an effort to do so, ask questions, get people to talk about themselves, people really love that.

I think it's best to be genuine in yourself because you'll be more confident and comfortable and that will show through in who you are and how you express yourself. If you yap away or start acting inappropriately, talking negatively or self obsessively, you'll come off as weird or depressing to be around.

I can relate to both. First, I find it best to be the shy listener because it helps me get a feel for people in the room based on what I hear.

Second, (directed at the 2nd person) I have had where people do things to get a "reaction" from me. This can be very negative and borderline harassment. Furthermore, peoples' curiosity about me tends to cross the line...

I understand the pressures but if you don't talk to anyone you wont learn and we need practice more than anyone. try to just ask them how they are doing and what they think of the place and then end with see you around.

I've noticed people pick up on shy people more then they use to. I never noticed shy people at all, never noticed people in general except my friends. Then all of a sudden I'm picked up on. WTF? I just want to enjoy myself. But no, I am interrupted by " Why are you so quiet now" Your not the same person you use to be. Why all of a sudden are you worried about people? wtf?

Perhaps you became slimmer or better looking or maybe you started wearing different clothing, Something must have changed in yourself for that change to happen. People can be shallow and stereotypical and do tend to judge people on looks, displays of behavior, body language and how you generally perceive yourself.

When I used to sit there seriously and withdrawn, girls would come up to me and ask me what's wrong and start acting as if I'm depressed or I needed comforting simply because I wasn't outgoing or too tired to be upbeat and outgoing, sometimes even neurotypicals can lack empathy and understanding.

Last edited by Wolfheart on 01 Nov 2011, 1:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Then I must be lucky then because everyone leaves me alone.

As for me, I LOVE to meet new people. I just find my first conversation is my last with most all people. However, on rare occasion I met a real gem and have a friend out of it.

Nearly 6 months ago I went to a church meeting house and had never been to that particular place before. I sat trough the meetings that Sabbath near the back, but felt religiously compelled to speak up in front of everyone in the room when the teacher taught something incorrect ( as per doctrine of the religion in question ) and proved it from scripture right then and there. The people ( 45-50 of them ) became upset with me for the most part. I stayed in my seat and still offered my thoughts on occasion as I felt my duty to God to make corrections of the inaccuracies in doctrine that the teacher was giving. I wanted to leave and my body was drenching with sweat by this whole experience, yet duty to God kept me there.

Anyway, at the end of the meeting I introduced myself to the one person other than myself who had anything intelligent to say during the whole meeting. I felt very awkward after all I had just gone thorough but spoke to this kind brother just the same. We had a great conversation and spoke for several hours after church in his car while his wife listened.

Today that brother and I are still friends, eventually I told him why I am so socially awkward he laughed and said " thats okay, you are an oddball and I am a geek, technically we both are geeks and oddballs, so I guess that makes us even, no?"

I laughed in agreement.

Joe90, my point in all this is don't be afraid to live! Live life, you'll get knocked on your can a lot, just accept you will be rejected most of the time. Learn to not let the fear of rejection keep you from living! On occasion you will be richly rewarded with good friends who love you know matter how much they think you odd, they will love you anyway.

i'm usually a shy person, but if i have something to talk about, or i feel comfortable around someone, i can go on forever. although a lot of times i feel like i'm going to be judged