good friend went ballistic on me

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and i'm wondering if my mild asperger's might have played a role. i've never been anything but a good friend to her but she called me out of nowhere jumping down my throat over something that: a) i did months ago and don't even recall and b) i seriously didn't know would be perceived as a betrayal to her on my part.

i apologized profusely (what more could i do?) and while she eventually forgave me it wasn't before she first went on what was first a i-never-thought-you'd-betray-me-like that rant and then one of (once she understood i really didn't know the boundary i'd supposedly broken) how-can-you-be-so-dense?(which i must say, being the good friend i always try to be, was easier to take than the former rant).

it's a complicated story what this was all about but basically she found out i'd told her ex (who i have a friendship with completely independent of her or their former relationship) how she was doing in relation to a serious life crisis she was going through during the time of their relationship. i don't even remember when i did that but it must have been months ago and as simple as my guy friend (her former boyfriend) asking how she was dealing (because he still wishes her well) and my telling him that things were better for her. today he emailed her about something else and as a sidenote told her he was glad things in that part of her life were going better. she told me that it was when she read that that she went berserk.

this isn't the first time i've done or said something that i didn't realize was off-limits or done or said something that i thought was a good thing (in this case, telling her old boyfriend, who saw the crisis she went through unfold with his own eyes, that she was doing better, since he wanted to know she was ok) then later gotten bloody murder cried on me.

is it an asperger's trait for me to be unable to gauge things like this? has anything like this happened to anyone else? it's more than a little upsetting.

probably. i have such a mild case that this person in particular found it hard to believe when i told her about my asperger's. i know people usually mean well when they tell me that i seem "normal." but the downside of being so close to "normal" is that sometimes an asperger's-related social faux pas i make is mistakenly interpreted as deliberate, even by close friends.

I don't think it's an aspergers trait, no. Misjudgments like that happen all the time to all people.

Your assumption that it would be okay to talk about a personal situation with a friend who 1) already knew the background and 2) genuinely cared for her was reasonable.

But her assumption that you would have realized how vulnerable she felt toward him, and how her personal life was off limits to him was also reasonable.

Honestly, I mostly blame him for being an ass and telling her the two of you were talking about her behind her back. He showed her disrespect by acting like he has any right to her intimate life because of their history, and should have known to pretend like he wasn't keeping tabs on her, and showing her that he has leverage with a mutual friend was a threatening display of power.

He sounds like a Nice Guy (TM).

Wow...I'd be just as confused as you, OP.

I definitely think it contributes. After realizing I most likely have aspergers (still self diagnosis at this point but I'm certain I do) I began to remember different moments in my life that fit within the characteristics and patterns, and doing things like what you've described (and a little worse) to friends was one of them. With my college friends, every time I was confronted about it I was so shocked and confused by it. We always ended up talking it out, and it usually ended with me thinking why do they think I'm this terrible person who would purposefully hurt them? At the time I mostly just attributed it to them being drama queens and lashing out when they're drunk (they did it all the time to other people). But thinking back even further I started noticing how I would do the same thing even in elementary. And remembered sometimes feeling like I didn't fit in but didn't know why.

Strangely the people I think I hurt most were people I really thought I cared for. Still do. Somehow a lot of them have still kept me as a friend, although I still feel the disconnect I've always felt. Remembering all this has made me feel so guilty and terrible, because now I realize how people must really see me. Some of the people I'm sure I've unknowingly (at the time) offended I work and live with. I'm not really sure what to do other than just always keep my mouth shut. I know I'm not a mean and spiteful person. If I were I probably would never have apologized back then for what I did and still have those friends. Even then I felt guilty and wondered why I did those things but I still couldn't put together why it was so bad. The more I was confronted, the more I started learning the unwritten rules of why. And I've gotten lots better, but still make a lot of mistakes.

Usually, when someone gets angry at you and brings up a past event, they're likely angry because of an accumulation of events, not just one.

That being said, I really don't understand why your friend would be so angry. It's not directly just an NT/Aspie thing because we all try to show concern for those around us. I'm sure you wished your friend well and was just being honest with your guy friend. Most NT's would've responded the same if they were in your shoes too.

Give your friend some space. Their personality type seems to be one where you need to be patient with before they realize that your intentions were pure.