Anxiety over distance from friends

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It has always been very hard for me to maintain close friendships. When we get together, things are great, but I am never anyone's "best friend" or close friend, and when I am, this tends to last very briefly. My former best friend has moved away and has a boyfriend and an entirely new social circle. We kept in touch and we hung out this summer, but things weren't the same. I appear outgoing when people are directly around me, but outside of social situations, I am shy, anxious, and an extreme introvert. Although this does not scare others away, it pushes others further away from me than I would like.

When I am invited to an event by one person from a group of friends that I've met a while ago, I always feel like an outsider of sorts. People will clique up, and I'll hardly get to spend any time with anyone, though I do mingle a bit. When we were first getting to know each other, or during the prime time of our friendship, things were different and I was included.

Maybe I was more confident. Or maybe I have given them inferences and signals that I want to be less close to them. Maybe this is just growing apart and life circumstances changing. The point is, I HATE that friendships change, and I don't like how I don't know if the problem is with me or due to outside forces. I am still developing social skills, so maybe I wasn't close all along, and maybe I have just realized this.

I don't know, and when I don't know the answer to a social situation, I will become anxious and obsessive. My anxiety disorder causes me tremendous guilt and low self esteem, and if a friendship fizzles out or becomes less close, I will instantly think it is my fault.

I know some of you may think that this is a relatively mild problem, but it is something I obsess over constantly to the point where, at times, I will do self-destructive things (I.E. I will drink way too much when I see people bonding and acting like best friends, because I effing miss that).

It's not like I don't reach out to these friends. It's just that whenever I do, I always feel like it is not enough, but I don't want to be pushy or scare them away. Let me tell you, it is hard when the girl I used to hang out with once a week doesn't even want to make the effort to arrange a get together or even talk to me. Ironically, a few years ago, she was complaining to ME how her friends didn't want to keep in touch or make plans. Now, this group is talking all the time, and even hanging out, even though I have reached out to her too. What a hypocrite!! !!

Advice on overcoming this anxiety and discomfort is appreciated.

Hi, I know I creep your threads, but hopefully you don't mind. Seeing that no one else replied to it, I will attempt to say my thoughts upon reading this.

It's hard for me to offer personal advice since I have not experienced many party situations like this where people just mingle. I've been to two house parties in the past and I was lucky in that I found this guy there who is an autistic self-advocate and we ended up talking about autism for the entire time.

I'm not sure how you act with your other friends, but I know that sometimes with me or with other people, you make plans and then never show up. I don't know if you do that exclusively with people on the spectrum, because the only information I know is what I've heard from other people on the spectrum who know you. I also remember that I was texting you during the symposium and you did not reply to me about your true motives until much later on. If you explained yourself immediately, I would have no problem with that. I thought that, in combination with what you did in the past, what you did was very repulsive. But again, I have nothing but personal experiences to base this upon.

I do have the same sort of anxiety, although I express it not by withdrawing, but by becoming very clingy to people. I would message/call them constantly if they don't do something I expected them to do. I am also socially withdrawing lately a lot, not because of anxiety, but because I have trouble handling all of the uncertainties and the unexpectedness that surfaces when I'm around people. Perhaps retreating to reading material that is not about people/interactions or doing something else equally unrelated will block out this desire to be close to others.

When I am emotionally attached, I find that I also become very fragile, with every action the person does affecting me very strongly and personally.

Oooh, yes. Ouch.

I don't mind you creeping my threads at all...I creep your threads as well, so it's a mutual creeping at least.

My making plans thing is something I tend to do with anyone who isn't a friend that I see often, so it's not just people on the spectrum, but just anyone that I can't let my whole self out around. I realize it can make other people feel frustrated and uncomfortable, and part of my psychotherapy right now is focusing on getting through the initial, pre-going out anxiety so that I don't have to stand people up.

Here's a concrete account of why I do it: my psychiatrist said that it's part of my anxiety disorder, and contrary to how I often present around others, I have a TON of social anxiety. I stress about social interactions before they even start, as I think about all the possible things that could go wrong. When I get to an event and start talking to people, things are usually fine, but sometimes the anxiety makes it so that I can't even leave for something in the first place.

I only do this in certain situations though. Usually, I can get together with one other person without a problem and there is little anxiety present. I am more likely to opt out of an event the last minute when the following dynamics are in place:

* It is a group (as opposed to one on one, which is far less confusing and more comfortable for me).
* There are people there I feel extremely uncomfortable around (rest assured, you are not one of those people...although in the past, before I knew how you operated, you were in that category.).
* I'm not really sure if the people involved want me there or not, meaning the fun can continue on if I'm not there.

The other way I approach my anxiety (although I am doing this less and less because of the consequences) is by self-medicating. If there is a party that I feel I am obligated to go to, I will drink throughout it to ease my anxiety. This is how, during a time I wanted to be seen as a "party girl" and wanted to impress everyone, I got through partying every weekend.

Last weekend's event wasn't an intentional bail-out though, although I was a little concerned about going because I know some people went who I did not know. That, I find concerning, but it does not make me not want to attend altogether.

Last edited by anneurysm on 26 Oct 2011, 6:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

^ Hope the above will give you a better understanding.

Knowing you and your personality, I can see the situation below happening easily for yourself.

Retreating to a less emotionally volatile activities is a good strategy. It's also one of avoidance, though, in that it's pushing those stressors away rather than dealing with them head-on and in the moment. We are both avoiding the situations at hand, but at least yours is much more productive. Even still, uncertainty and ambiguity in social situations is tough, and it's something we both are challenged with.

I'd like to know though...when you are going through these types of situations, do you end up dealing with the situations at hand eventually? Or do you let them fizzle out and solve themselves?

I think the reason why I don't have this huge anxiety around people is that I am not aware of what it is that may make people uncomfortable. In fact, my goal in interpersonal interactions is to expose as much of myself as possible (figuratively, of course). It can be a great relief for me after spending days in confinement to get together with someone and let all of my emotions out. I don't want to go further in terms of my emotional awareness of other people as I am very emotionally fragile and feel that, consequently, that awareness will overwhelm me to an extent where I will barely be able to function. In fact, I am noticing this happening much more lately than it did in the past, which is why I try to keep my distance as much as possible during my most stressful times.

Anyway, enough about me. I wonder if there is a way that you can stop caring about what others think and just be yourself around people, no matter what your emotional state is. I don't know why some people gravitate so much toward me, but I have a feeling that it is because they enjoy the fact that I am unafraid of being so open with them. I myself find it hard to talk to those who have boundary issues or difficulties discussing certain topics. I don't think I ever once rejected/got offended at someone who was being very open and honest with me.

I usually end up having a meltdown. The way I try to deal with these situations is talking to someone about them who understands my mode of thinking well. I am very prone to taking on too many things and then eventually breaking down in a huge meltdown/temper tantrum. It's hard for me to shut myself out from any situation I have already had exposure to - I feel the need to get through it until it is resolved. I also tend to ruminate on my feelings a lot and burden other people by repetitively talking about these past unresolved troublesome scenarios and asking them to provide insight regarding the questions (uncertainties) in these situations that are troubling me so much.

That's exactly why. You're very frank and direct, and you enjoy being so. You're also confident and incredibly firm in your thoughts, and not once have I ever seen you skirt around things or avoid talking about something. You are always honest, and to the point. That is a tremendous asset, and I think that because most people on the spectrum have been pressured to censor their thoughts and actions, they look up to you as you have liberated yourself from that. I'd say that I'm a member of this group, as this is a part of you I envy. It makes sense that you know your own emotional limits and have a keen sense of regulation, as you don't want to have everything you are involved in eroding your sanity away. Perhaps it's an issue of knowing when and where you will make time in your mind for such situations.

I have extremely low self-esteem, and I wish I could just snap my fingers and not care about what other people think. It's not that easy though...I have been struggling with this since the age of 10 or so, when I realized I was different from everyone else. It's a fundamental part of myself, which is the reason I am seeing a psychiatrist...I do homework and weekly exercises to increase my confidence, let myself go, and stop doubting my every action all the time. I am slowly, but surely, getting there, and I have hope that something so deeply rooted in my psyche can be overcame.

I have made friends easily but I find that alot of people turn on me not wanting to be my buddy any more and I am learning to accept that and move on. If you don't want to be my friend or buddy that's cool I'll just talk to Jen over there that is looking for some company.