I have trouble making friends. Can someone help me

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Hello my name is Landon, im 15, and i have aspergers. I can only think of 3 people that i can call my friend. that is because i don't know what to do when people start a conversation with me. I jest don't know how to make friends.

Landon, if we knew how to win friends and influence people, we wouldn't be aspies. But groups like this are good places to start. Welcome aboard.

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I second Dunnyveg's comments including the "welcome aboard" part.

Don't give up! Making friends is a skill, and like any skill, it can be learned

It's harder for folks with Asperger's, it's true. But it can be done. If a blind man can learn to paintLearn to paint, then an Aspie can certainly learn to make friends.

One of the biggest things that helped me was making the most of the relationships I had around me. My family was able to give me a lot of social skills advice, and it really helped to be able to come to my parents with the questions that I had. I don't know what your family situation is like, but if it's possible for you to get help from your parents, you should do that. In addition, you can try talking to the 3 people who are your friends and share with them how making friends is hard for you. Perhaps they would be willing to introduce you to other people that they know, or come with you to a social event.

Finally, if you want to learn how to make conversation, there are great resources out there that can help you. Leil Lowndes wrote a book called How To Talk To Anyone that is really easy to understand.
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1) Find somebody you genuinely like. Don't just make friends just to have friends. Otherwise you'll just be surrounded by annoying people.

2) Find a few topics that you would like to have in common with a friend. A few interests. Think of things to say about those things in first conversations. This way you will be able to know if they are interested in those things too. It doesn't have to be interests, it can be opinions, or tv shows, or bands, etc.

3) Ask questions that can be expanded into open ended questions. ie; "You like Slayer?" - if no - "I like a lot of different bands, what kind of music do you like?" - if yes - "What did you think of <insert CD title of theirs>"

4) Don't stick to only one topic if the other person seems to be answering with fewer words or less enthusiastically. Have two or three to choose from. Don't use more than two topics when trying to get someone into a conversation. If they don't talk much about those things or bring up something else, then they don't want to talk.

5) Leave space in the conversation for them to ask you something. Also, mention your opinions about the topic, don't just interview them about their likes or opinions.

6) Start a conversation with something like "Hey" or "Whats up?" and end it with something like "Later" or something like that. Don't just begin out of the blue or walk away without notifying them you are done.

7) If they bring up a topic, even if it's something you aren't interested in, listen to them and give an opinion. If it's a negative opinion, unless it's about music or tv or something like that, soften the negativity so you don't insult them.

Don't get discouraged. Remember that you have to talk to a lot of people before you find somebody that clicks with you. It's a two way street. They have to click with you and you have to click with them.


Was that what you were wondering?

Also, welcome!

Hi, Landon... Dunny, Ghostar!

Landon, I wanted to tell you that I saw your post in a bookmarking website and it made me join WrongPlanet JUST to reply to you.

I have aspergers and didn't know it until I was about 27 or 28.
I had never even HEARD of it before. Suddenly, EVERYTHING made sense.

I could go on and on forever (YOU know how that can be!), but I'll skip ahead to your question.

I have read SO many books, it's ridiculous! Along the way, I have learned several socialization techniques, and it doesn't hurt that my father is a child psychologist who specializes in ADHD! (All this time, we thought that's all I had.)

Anyway, here are some things you can do when someone starts a conversation with you:

1. SMILE!! But not TOO big! Or for too long. Nod your head... but not TOO many times, and say "mm hmm" and "uh huh" and "yeah", but not too many times!

2. Try to pick out the KEY ELEMENTS of what the person is saying to you. What is the subject? What is the subject DOING? What does the person WANT? Anything you can gather from what they are saying is what you will use in the next step.

3, ASK THEM A QUESTION about their topic. They are saying it, so they must know more, or at least how they feel about it! Sometimes use some (but not ALL) of the words they used. If the person says "Man, I had a really tough time with yesterday's homework," YOU could ask "Oh yeah? Which part of the homework did you find the toughest?"

Notice I used "homework" again, and "toughest", because he had a tough time. Like I said, try not to use too many of their words, or you'll be called a robot or a parrot! (I know... it still happens to me sometimes!)

4. When he answers your question, you can respond by telling him how you FEEL about what he said, or just about the homework in general, or your homework from another class... the key here is that you're talking about HOMEWORK, and you use that as a springboard to keep the conversation going! (Hint: Sometimes people run out of things to say! It's normal. Don't force the conversation. Or, you can do the ancient practice of shifting the conversation to the weather! "WOW, it's hot today!")

Sometimes it's good to have something you have to do or somewhere you have to go. When you reach a lull in the conversation, you can say "Whelp, it's been nice talking to you... I gotta get home to feed the dog" or whatever. But don't look like you're in a hurry! But SOME people WON'T let you go; they are like energy vampires, and they will keep you talking to them as long as you possibly can. They are a special case, which maybe we can talk about later. Whelp, I just got a phone call, so I gotta go! I'll chec back later.

I hope that helps!

P.S. My 'K' key doesn't work a lot of the time

I was typing for so long, I didn't see you, Cookiemobsta! OliveOilMom!

Good stuff.

High fives all around!

A lot of friendships kind of grow and ping pong back and forth on the small things, of shared interests and liking small things about the other person. For example, at an informal chess club, one guy is a Christian and politically conservative, and I'm an agnostic and bat from the left side of the plate politically. So, technically, we shouldn't be friends. And I'm reasonably matter-of-fact and open about being an agnostic. But, we kind of have similar senses of humor and usually enjoy each other's company, although we occasionally argue.

When I was in high school, I lived right next to the school district boundary. My boy scout troop was at a nearby church in the other school district. That turned out very fortunate in that all my social eggs were not in the one school basket.

I've also had some success being a low-key leader. These skills are more direct and straightforward than the more nebulous skills of being a follower. (Both are good, sometimes you can support someone else who is being a positive leader as well as being a leader with your own activities.)

This one I respectfully disagree with. It's too complex a follow-up question. Too formal. Almost like what a professor or therapist or coach might say. Instead I might suggest . .

"Yeah, that was tough."

(with possible addition of "It took me a whole lot of time. I mean, major time.")

Yes, absolutely, both of you, Landon and kennybarona,

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I hope we can converse and dialogue about all kinds of topics.

Ha, yes, well my dad IS a psychologist...
I see what you mean.

Maybe THAT'S why all my friends tell me all their problems!

Anyway, ANY kind of question is was I was suggesting, maybe just "Did you finish it?" or something to keep the conversation moving.
You could even follow up "Yeah, that was tough" with "So, what's your favorite class?" or "Who's you're favorite teacher?"

Everybody loves to talk about themselves, and if you get them to do it, they'll think you're a great conversationalist.
Just be prepared to answer a question or two, because a good conversation should be a two way street! It's a give and take, but there are tons out there who don't know that and just talk your ear off forever. And then there are others who are the complete opposite and don't have ANYTHING to say, at which point just think of something. You can ALWAYS look around you and make a comment about something you see, hear, etc.

And thanks for the welcome, Aardvark!

It's a tough thing, and that's why we're here :/ I think that many of us have tried to learn how, but - from my experience, at least - at the end of the day, social interaction is so nuanced and situationally specific that learning it is a difficult thing to do. All of the friendships I have now I seem to have sort of stumbled into - I wasn't really trying to make friends, they just happened. Sometimes it works better when you're not thinking too hard about it and overanalyzing the situation. I'm also going to echo what some other people here said - start with an interest of yours and find people who share it. That way you already have at least one surefire conversation topic.

You are very welcome, and I think you can be a very good contributor to our group here if you have the time available.

I think these are excellent questions. They keep the conversation flowing at a good pace and in an easy, casual manner.

Another thing that has helped me is making a conscious decision to turn down my internal censor (which I think we probably all have, including quote-unquote 'normal' people, and really, no such thing as 'normal' anyway! ) so that my default setting is that it's probably okay to go ahead and say something which occurs to me unless it clearly jumps out at me as being inappropriate.

Another thing that has helped me has been to soften my visional focus to take in the entire eye slit area, and not only the eyes themselves.

And that combined with realizing that meeting people and social interaction contains a great deal of luck and randomness.