Your personal Social Rules?

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Does anyone here have a set of rules, or guidelines that they follow to better fit in socially? I have a few, thought they haven't been implemented in a while and I don't remember all of them.

Treat others how they treat you
Guess that one sounds simple enough, but I use it quite literally. If someone learns my name, I learn theirs. If they talk about their family, I can talk about mine (as much as they do). If they are open with jokes, then I am as well. You get the picture.
DON'T GO INTO DETAIL EVER!
If you ever are trying to describe anything about another person, keep it under five words. Don't describe how exactly you like that their nose is shaped different. Or how their smile is different. Or anything physical. Ever.

That's all I have time for now (Library time limit). I will post more tomorrow. Other people should post theirs as well.

In casual social situations, I almost always focus on the other person and direct the conversation onto them. I will go with their trains of thought and won't shift to stuff about myself unless I am asked to. I find that being person-oriented pleases people a lot. I have to practice active listening as much as I can. It doesn't come naturally, but it enables people to see that I really like them and am having fun.

I will try to portray myself as fun, easygoing and enjoyable to be around. I'll be intelligent, but unless I'm with certain people, I have to "dumb myself down" around most people, as I find when I use big, complicated words, people tune out.

If I'm too anxious, I'll allow myself to duck into the bathroom for a few minutes to calm down.

I would say "don't go into detail ever" is a little too much. I wou say the rule for me would be "Don't start a conversation with too much detail". Start with few words and see if the person is engaged with what you are saying. If they are interested then you can go into detail.

Start the social situation being friendly is another rule I live by. Even though I do not like social situations, I try not to show it so the other person is not put off by how I feel

Try to act like I'm interested in the other person.

Avoid abrupt changes in the conversation.

Just a few rules I can think of right now.

I tend to mimic the person I'm talking to in terms of intelligence, and also temperament. It's not a conscious decision, though, I just do it.



Just when talking about their physical characteristics. "I like your laugh" is enough, maybe add "It's cute", but only cause that one is always safe to use when dealing with women. And I have to restrict myself because I can't ever see when too much is too much.

Another rule, thinking about "too much"
If someone starts a religious or philosophical or moral conversation, close your mouth
I'm not sure if all of us have issues with these things, and if you do than you know why that's a rule. You can talk about it in places meant for debate, but anywhere else is a no no.

Treat others the way you like to be treated
I treat others how I want to be treated or how I like to be treated. So that makes me change the way I talk and say things, what not to say to people.



Do not state the obvious

This makes me less likely to say offensive and inappropriate things. Doesn't apply with my husband nor with family.


Do not say more than few sentences about your special interests


This keeps me from going into monologues and going on and on. Unless it's my own husband, this rule doesn't apply.

Be careful when copying people
If I often do this, I can make a fool out of myself by using phrases wrong or words and then I change the whole meaning of what i am saying and it can give me trouble. I can also end up insulting people and not know it because I had been insulted by others when they said it.

Do not ask a stranger about breastfeeding about why she chose to not do it and why she couldn't do it


This is a controversial topic and most women are sensitive about it so they will get defensive and think you are judging them. They may even get nasty with you too.

Do not say anything to a pregnant woman about her body

You think they wouldn't care how big they have gotten or how huge they are because big tummies are supposed to happen and it means a growing baby? Nope guess again. Lot of pregnant women are super sensitive to their bodies and hate their bellies and never mess with a pregnant woman. Also do not ask them repetitive questions about their baby. Pretty soon they will get rude with you and start giving you snarky answers to shut you up.

Never say the word "Fat" in the presence of a woman.

Never ask for an honest opinion if you are not ready to deal with honesty in its rawest form.

Stop trying to convince others after they've agreed with you.

"I'm not interested" does not mean "Keep pestering me until I say 'Yes'".

Staring at her breasts does not make a good impression on her, even when she puts them on display.

Never confuse niceness with interest, interest with love, or love with sex.

Once you've given a gift, it is no longer yours, so don't be offended if the gift is "re-gifted" to someone else.

If you want to know who your friends are, announce that you've lost your job and are about to become homeless - the ones who invite you to stay with them are your friends, while the ones who forget you've ever existed were never your friends in the first place.

If material wealth is not important in a relationship, then why are there so many unmarried homeless people? If you want to be valued, then be "valuable" in some material way.

A relationship is not about percentages; it is about sharing just enough honesty to be trusted, and telling just enough lies to make the other person feel good.

Put some thought into gift-giving, and make the gift something that the recipient will appreciate. (Too many times, I've received a gift that didn't fit, didn't work, or just wasn't appropriate, only to be told that "It's the thought that counts". Well, what the hell were people thinking when they gave me those crappy gifts?)

What if they don't have room?

Not even on the floor? The garage floor?

Sorry, "I don't have the room" is just an excuse ... unless they are homeless, too.

Sorry I don't think I can handle having someone living in my 900 sq foot apartment. I have no extra bedrooms. Who would want to sleep in the garage anyway? I wouldn't and I wouldn't stay with someone if they had no room and I don't expect them to have me stay with them if there is no room. One of my aspie friends lives in a studio and he is crammed up in there as well so there be no room for me and my stuff. I wouldn't want to sleep on the floor and I wouldn't be comfortable there anyway because of the small space. Instead he have me stay with someone he knows who has room. I also wouldn't want to sleep in a twin bed with my friend. Mine has to do with change of routine so having someone with me be too stressful for me. If a friend wants to dump me over that, I would think they aren't my true friend because they would understand if they were my true friend. I would think "f**k them" and be glad they are gone but also be hurt that I had to find out there were never a true friend but also see it was for my own good.

Assume rapport. It freaks some people out.

1). Let the other person do most of the talking. Ask the person about themselves, their kids, etc. but not questions that are not too weird or invasive. This shows that you have an interest in the person's life.

2). Talk about yourself only if the other person asks. Then give answers as brief as possible. Turn the conversation back to the other person.

3). If the other person is expressing opinions about vegetarianism, child-rearing, etc., just LISTEN. Don't tell them what YOU think...just LISTEN. Every now and then, make statements of understanding/agreement. NTs talk about their opinions to feel validated and heard, and listening to them tells them that you value their thoughts and are understanding. If you disagree/ague, it makes them feel bad and unheard.

Some rules I've developed

1) Treat others how they want to be treated. See its a modification of "treat others how you'd like to be treated", cause as an aspie I realize for some things, the way I want to be treated is different then the way they want to be treated
2) Fake expressiveness when someone is talking to you.
3) Do not tell people too much about yourself. If you think its TMI then it probably IS TMI.
4) Dont outright disagree to someones face. Its better to find some way to agree then to outright disagree. I still dislike this rule.
5) If you think it might be inappropriete dont say it.
6) Don't be completely honest even when the other person wants it.
7) Don't feel the need to include every single small detail of your life.
Dont monologue.

I know someone that took this rule too far. And it was very annoying because the person never told me anything about their lives. It can get annoying, just dominating the conversation the whole time.



I agree, I tried to learn this one. My dad whos aspie states the obvious all the time and it gets annoying

Laugh at people's jokes, even if they're not funny
If you're bored, don't make it look obvious
Smile more often: basically look more like you're enjoying yourself
Ask people about themselves

1. If you're sad telling people that is useless. You have to make a sad face even if it feels weird. NTs cannot feel sympathy for others unless they can see you look sad.

2. You have to lie to your NTs. They assume everyone is lying to them anyway and they either like it or translate it like a code. You can learn codephrases to work within their communication system.

3. Speaking of codephrases: "It was very nice to meet you" and "Have a nice day" often mean Goodbye to NTs. Stop talking to them, they are trying to walk away and they can't if you keep talking to them. This is why they think you're annoying ):

4. No matter what only tell an NT they are wrong once in a very long while. No one likes you even if you'd think them knowing this fact will save them embarrassment later on. If you see them a lot, once a month is acceptable. If you see them rarely once every 10 encounters. This is pretty hard.

5. Don't forget to say hello and goodbye. No they will not assume you're nice if you don't do this. And shake their hand and look them in the face. They will think you're rude or bitchy if you don't.

I've experienced the fake sympathy with this one. Its really annoying and I agree completely useless to tell someone your sad.

Ai Ling: I know, right? And they're supposed to be the ones with more feelings than us? (yeah, right!) Where's their compassion? I hate making faces for people but it had a huge payoff when I started practicing that, even if the face I make seems so obviously fake and stupid.