My 23 year old ASD son is lonely

Post Reply New Topic

Can anyone give me advice on what works?
He wants friends & tried really hard but they don't seem to respond or follow through.
He wants a girlfriend too, but same as above.
There are classes/groups locally for young adults on the spectrum but, the biggest challenge is that he doesn't understand he has autism.
He has normal intelligence, holds down a job etc.
How can I help?

Focus on connecting with others through a shared interest or activity.

What do you mean with "he doesn't understand he has autism?" No diagnosis?

Since my diagnosis, I've made some new friends, all of them autistic. We connect because we can relate to each other very well, because we have autism in common. It's an incredible experience to finally meet people who think the same way, when you've always felt an outsider.

yes he's diagnosed but doesn't think he is autistic. It's hard to explain. He was 20 when finally diagnosed, every teacher, counsellor, psychologist, doctor, anyone he came across didn't ever agree with me when I thought that's what he was, growing up. So he knew others with ASD & now doesn't see himself like them.

so therefore rejects help, because he doesn't think it's for him.

The first thing that you want to do is get him some information on Aspergers and Autism but find some positive sources for him to read and possibly resources by others with autism.
1. Any of Dr. Grandin's books and talks on youtube or podcasts.
2. Asperkids by Jennifer O'Toole
3. The Asperger Experts- They have all kinds of webinars that are run by two male adults with Aspergers.
4. You could reach out to the Autism Society


Additionally, it sounds like he could work on his social skills since he appears to have trouble approaching groups. Along with definitely letting him know that he is "Different but not less."

However, if he doesn't want help I would reach out to a parent support group where you could connect with some other people who could get you some resources. Whatever you do, though, do not listen to those to look at autism like it is a disease and therefore their child is broken, weak and helpless.

Ask him what he is into, or what he likes to do for fun.

An easy group to find is one that hangs out at Gamestores (i.e card games and video games) they are really accepting of everybody and it's something fun to do.

Volunteering can be a great way to meet people, especially if it's doing something enjoyable. The people there obviously are going to have at least one shared interest.

thank you everyone for your ideas, this is fantastic. I don't feel as alone in trying to solve the problem on my own.

I think I will try to show him some of those clips and sit with him to discuss it all.

We have tried suggesting volunteering suggestions & so far no luck. He's not actually into computers & gaming etc but he is into dogs. He has his own dog and tries to meet people going to dog parks. The social skills seem to be lacking once he gets to asking them if they want to meet up somewhere else like for a coffee. That's when he gets rejected and goes home feeling lonely again.

There are classes/groups locally for exactly this & I've tried for years to encourage him but he doesn't see the relevance to him.

I will try some of the ideas suggested now though,

thanks

Is he an introvert or an extrovert? Most people on the spectrum tend to introversion, though not all. There are Meet-Up groups for each type, so I would suggest you encourage him to join a Meet Up group which fits his personality type. For young people who lack social experience and confidence, it is much easier to acquire both in a peer group setting than in the rough and tumble of "ordinary" social settings where interaction can be much less welcoming, and more superficial.

There are a lot of different kinds of Meet-Ups, and he can join more than one simultaneously, perhaps then narrowing it down to the one he likes best. Good on you for wanting to support and encourage him.

Once he understands his condition. Making a account on this site is really helpful.

_________________
I'm pushing myself to be better. But what does that mean?

i've never know anyone like me ,so friendly PM's are always welcome .

Is he meeting people in the dog park and asking them to meet him for coffee on the same day? That could be what's causing them to push him away because it probably implies that he wants to ask him out? He needs to be taught that he starts out with small talk with someone.

E.G- What kind of dog do you have? Just start talking about things in common about the dog.

If he keeps seeing the same person in the park that he gets along with then they slowly get to know each other. If the other person is interested, then he asks them if they would join him to get coffee.

He also could meet some people in the coffee shop because they sometimes come back as well.

I guess it would depend on what the issues are or how severe they are; my general advice would be:

1. Have him find at least one social hobby; whether a sport, a club, volunteering, church, etc. If he's just trying to make friends with people he doesn't have a common activity with it will be hard.

2. Have him practice relaxation and being in a positive state of mind; if he's in too much of a brooding, pensive mindset, or is prone to arguing with people, it might be harder for him to connect with people.