Learning to 'not be you'

Post Reply New Topic

I wasn't sure of how to title the subject on this one. What I mean by 'not be you' is.. How do you learn even the most basic social skills? Things for me like; going out to buy milk or something. I can't do that in every sense of the word 'can't'. Things like talking on the phone, or in person. Everything most people cope with like these things make me so uncomfortable and usually end up in a meltdown, which further makes everything worse.

Is there really any real trick to learning how to be social? Or does it have to come more naturally?

I don't really see myself as the type that will move out of the home I've lived in all my life. I'm not very independent at all. I have no idea of what goes on 'out there'. I'm very keen to go to college and study to become an architect. But it constantly feels like a battle with my brain to achieve the simplest of things in life.

I've tried countless times to overcome all the situations that make me uncomfortable/nervous/anxious etc but they have failed every time. I feel at a loss to know where I'm supposed to start and go with trying. Is it possible that I will never overcome these problems?

Little things that do help a bit with going outside are taking my mp3 player/iPod and listening to music, while I have a picture of my best friend on it so it feels she's there with me. It can block out a bit of the anxious feeling but it will never work 100% of the time. The music also helps me to cope with the noise levels of traffic/people/general outside noises, all of these can send me to a point where if it gets too much I'll break down and sit in the middle of the road or something. Which obviously isn't very safe.

So how do most of you cope with every day things? And do you have any advice to help me out?

I plan to make many lists and have a lot of pictures in helping me to know what I'm supposed to be doing as this can help greatly. I will have my best friend to help me if I feel things are getting too much. I really do want to learn to 'fit in' but it just doesn't feel like it's ever going to come to me.

The biggest problems I have would be:

Breaking my routines, big or small.
Getting out of my interests/obsessions. (These can take me away from things like eating/sleeping/family/friends etc)
Meeting and talking to new people.
Being out on my own.
Having no idea about how to live independently
Touching/Eye contact (This one I believe will never be solved. There's only two people I'll let do either with me.)
Other things like 'social cues' I have a major problem with aggression and will turn violent at times. There's just a lot of things, the list piles up. I really do wish to be able to become a 'normal' or as close to, part of society. Any support/help would be appreciated from people who understand the same place I'm coming from as my best friend always doesn't understand. I know it's not going to be an easy journey but I can't give up on trying!!

Just an end note. The only times I can really ever go outside are if one of my obsessions like FMX comes up and I just do it because the outside isn't my main focus, the obsession is. Could my obsessions possibly help me build my skills up in any way?

Well for learning social skills, I think that seeing a therapist could help a lot with that (since that's one of the few situations where they can actually tell you in detail what you may be doing wrong socially and and what could use improving). Obviously it can take a huge amount of effort, but as they say practice makes perfect! One thing that sometimes makes things difficult is that to develop social skills you have to socialize, but to socialize you also typically need to have some level of social skills lol. Also a lot of the situations that you may find yourself in will undoubtedly be extremely uncomfortable, but sometimes you just have to gradually expose yourself to these types of situations in order to develop a better tolerance for them over time.

It sounds like you are highly motivated and I think that that is really a great mindset to have, that alone can help a ton. As for learning to be independent, I think that everyone has do to that in a different way depending on their personal situation, but maybe you could start by trying to take small steps! I obviously don't know your personal situation, but for example you could perhaps start trying to cook your own meals, or make a to-do list for things that need to be done around your house and try to do as many as you can on your own. I hope that my advice was somewhat helpful, and I wish you the best!

Copy your favourite film and television characters.

social skills need to develop naturally, but there are support groups that can offer shortcuts; the best ones, in my experience, are social training groups aimed at NTs as those instantly offer the NT perspective on interaction, especially if you disclose AS as your motivation to be there (they usually ask for a motivation).
if it is too much for you to join a group like that, perhaps ask your best friend to join you, if only for the first meeting or two.

as for the other coping mechanisms, i myself do a lot of that by a light form of meditation, you could call it 'zen' if you want to, between locking myself out and listening to music, i am able to survive almost everything the outside world throws at me, as long as it isn't a social gathering

It depends on what you define as social. Going to the store and buying milk, and the minute social interactions that might entail, is generally something that one can learn to do. The general framework for this task is...

1. Prepare yourself to leave the house.
2. Get a sufficient amount of money, and decide which store to go to and how to get there.
3. Leave the house with your money and take your chosen mode of transportation to the store.
4. Walk into the store and to the dairy section.
5. Choose the milk.
7. Go to the check out and pay.
8. Collect your change, if any, and recipe.
9. Collect your paid for milk and go home.
10. Put the milk away.

There may be some minor sub categories here. Someone might say something to you while you are engaging in this task, such as "Can you believe these milk prices today?" They do not expect an in depth reply. In fact, it's probably best to fashion your reply such that it does not leave much room for conversation. In some instances "Yeah, I know," will suffice as a reply, and then you can just grab your milk, smile, at the individual and give a brief nod goodbye as you leave the dairy section to go pay. When you get to the checkout, you might be asked a few basic questions such as "Would you like paper or plastic (bags)" and "Cash or credit?" or "Credit or debit?" if the checker is unsure of how you will be paying.



You will have to make more effort than most to perform these simple daily life skills oriented tasks that you are not accustom to performing, however they should become easier over time. You owe it to yourself to make the effort to accomplish your dreams, and one aspect of accomplishing those dreams is to acknowledge you are no longer a child. You are an adult and should make an attempt to step up and take on certain adult responsibilities, for example, buying milk yourself.



Pace yourself. If the task of buying milk is too much for you to handle, then work on aspects that art part of buying milk. For example, if you have difficulty buying milk because you can't handle being in the store, make a visit to the store regularly just to accustom yourself to the environment. Make a quick walk through the store as if you were checking to see if they had a product you were looking for, or maybe stop and look at the magazines for 5 minutes. If you have trouble with crowds, try to do this at hours that aren't very busy.



It is generally a process of slowly acclimating yourself to new environments by momentarily leaving your comfort zone to some degree and letting your brain see that nothing bad happened to you.



I think I would just start by making small changes to your routine to accommodate acclimating yourself to a chosen situation, such as the milk buying scenario above. I would avoid changing your routine significantly at this point because it might overwhelm you.



Some days, you just randomly stop what you are engaging yourself in and do something else....and some days you don't.



I would focus on very short social interactions with little commitment required from either party at the moment. For example, perhaps you are the one that says to someone else in the dairy section "Can you believe these milk prices today?" If they don't respond that's actually ok because often times people say such things to themselves without expecting a reply. If the person replies, just see it as a plus. If they don't, at the very least you took the initiative to speak up and say something to someone when you normally wouldn't. You might also say to someone you see on a fairly regular basis but only have very minimal interactions with, for example, a neighbor, mail carrier, or check person at the check stand, you can say "Hello, how are you?" If they reply "I'm fine, and yourself?" then you can simply reply "I'm doing well, thanks," "I'm ok" or "Hanging in there" is a common reply when a person doesn't want to say they are doing well but doesn't want to go into details about the fact that they aren't doing well. After that, the conversation is usually over. If they reply to your initial inquiry by telling you something positive other than the above replies, something expressing happiness for them is usually expected. For example, if they say "I'm doing pretty well, I just got a raise" you might reply with "Yeah? That's great!" They them might proceed to tell you a few more details and you can make a few more supporting comments which still continue to express your happiness for them in some way, but don't really foster the perpetuation of the conversation. Eventually there will be a lull in the conversation and you can say "Well, have a nice day" and leave.

If they respond with a negative reply such as "I'm ok, I've had a cold," then "Oh that sucks. Well get well soon," is usually a sufficient reply. They might then say something such as "I'm trying," or merely "Yeah, thanks" and you can usually then bid them goodbye and leave.

So positive, detailed replies to "How are you?" should be address with positive support, and negative replied to the question, with sympathetic or empathetic support.

Though there are elements of unpredictability in such interactions, for the most part, there are certain patterns these brief interactions follow.


For brief periods of time or in general?


Work on the basic first.



Allow people to touch you is not important except in certain emergency or medical situations. However NTs place a high value on eye contact and it's advisable that you accustom yourself to at least looking at their face from time to time. When you fail to make eye contact at least a few times during the course of the conversation, or stare at the ground or keep your gaze fixed away from them while engaging with them, it conveys to them that you are not interested in socializing with them, and may imply other negative things. I would use photos or even your friend to practice eye contact with. Keep in mind, eye contact should not be maintained intensely.



Give people the benefit of the doubt that they didn't mean to upset you, or you likely misinterpreted them. Also, accept that no one is perfect, neither your or anyone else, and learn how to forgive that. I'm not talking about rationalizing that it was ok to hit someone. It's not. What I mean is, when someone says something that upsets you, and you give them the benefit of the doubt that they didn't mean to upset you so much, you can reason "Yes, it upset me, and I'm mad but they probably didn't mean it and I forgive them for that because I would want someone to forgive me if I accidentally upset them." This can be flipped in the instance that you accidentally upset someone, or caused someone to respond to you in a way that upset you. You accidentally upset someone but you can reason that even though you are upset with yourself that you screwed up, and just accept it as something to learn from.

I think I should define "accidentally". Accidentally means something you did or said that you did not do with intention, or say with the intention of conveying what you said. If you get mad at someone and hit them as a result, that's not an accident, even if you were too enraged at the time to think rationally, and regret having hit them after the fact. Accidentally hitting (or kicking) someone is when you make some force carrying degree of physical contact with them, that was unintentionally, because you did not realize they were there, or were attempting a movement in which you did not intent to make contact with them, and did not execute it properly.



Make small steps to slowly teach yourself new skills and acclimate yourself to stressful environments. Don't try to address too many things at once. Plan how you will navigate these situations but consider the plan largely tentative. Know where your safe places are, whether they be physical or mental places, and know how to escape to them when you need to. Be more forgiving of yourself and others and don't automatically assume others intended to upset you. Work on eye contact, and don't completely deprive yourself of interests that help you de-stress, provided they aren't self destructive.

For brief periods of time or in general?[/quote]

It can be both. Even just going out in the back garden for 10 minutes or so can get me worked up. I do manage to be out there longer when I take my telescope out, but even then there's elements of feeling anxious and worked up.

You gave some really good advice. Thanks.

The thing about small conversation and when it comes to the empathy side. I lack empathy so much. Just yesterday one of my friends got her cat back from the vets and it didn't even cross my mind to ask how the cat was. I don't mean to not ask in the moment, it just never occurs to me that I have to or should and usually I'm off in my own thoughts. Do you have any advice on how to remember to ask other people in the moment?

You are a wonderful person. Stop trying not to be "you".

Just try to expand your life in ways that make you happy. If you are truly happy and content at home, and there will always be people providing for you, don't think you HAVE to do things that makes you unhappy.

First, there are 7 billion people on the planet, no need for everyone to breed uncontrollably.
Second, there are only jobs for about 2/3 of us, if that.

NOW....if you are bored at home and WANT to do more things, that's different.
1 - Your best bet would be to enlist someone to help you, go with you. Tell the person who knows your situation you want to, say, "go to the store", but you're afraid. Have them them go with you and help you. Trust them. Try to stay calm and if something confuses you, ask them about it. I was very lucky to have a social "mentor" in my 20's who took me many places and explained how to behave in each situation. (But I'm not anywhere as bad as a Rainman type.)

Try not to get all "Temple Grandin" with the revolving door. Try not to clutch their arm in panic.
But remember how Temple DID go into places she wanted to be, even when it was difficult. She persevered.

2 - If you have to do it alone, take it in small steps. Rome wasn't built in a day. Go to a close by place. Go back every week. You will eventually feel comfortable there. Go further, to more places, one at a time if necessary. Routine is your friend. Don't worry about walking, or driving, the same route and going to the same places, all the time. Variety is only the "spice of life" for NT's. Try taking one course at a local community college. When you feel ready, you can transfer the credits to a larger university. (Are you in USA? Sorry, I didn't check your location.)

Every time we move I have to "learn" a new grocery store, find a new dentist, etc. Still hate it when a store I frequent rearranges the merchandise! Have to learn it all over again. Every new house I have to "learn" how to clean it. Where do I start? What's second? Once I get a routine comfortable I use it forever.

As far as the cat comment goes, better late than never. I've been doing things like that all my life and it will never change. When it occurs to me, after the fact, I go back and ask. OH YEAH, how did your cat do?

I'm afraid you have to live with that aspect. Just do the best you can.
Keep Calm and Carry On.

I read through the list of your difficulties and felt a kindred spirit. I used to have severe problems with all of those, and still have difficulty with some. Eye contact is something I feel I can't completely solve either. That one just comes from practice, if I'm having a really bad day, I can't look people in the eye period, and I only let certain people touch me. I'm going to try and write down some of the things that helped me. I should mention I have acute anxiety (Basically this is one of the highest levels of anxiety a person can have) and I also have agoraphobia.

The iPod trick you use, I use it to to. I'll go outside and have my music on and I focus on the lyrics and beat and it allows me to seem more natural to other people. I don't feel that you need to break your routine, but you can adjust it so that you're doing something that will help develop your social skills. Also with obsessions, see if you can find one that involves going outside. I'm the same, and to battle the social anxiety and agoraphobia and get outside, what I do is take an obsession I have (I'm addicted to movies), I get on public transit preferably at a slow time but with people still around, and I go to the movies. I get there earlier and walk among people, and then I sit in the movie and it helps me relax from being around so many people. You might not be able to do this right away cause you're not used to it, but do things like go for a walk to the corner store, smile and say hello to someone who might hold a door for you or smile at you.

Social cues just come with time. If I can recommend something, with the anger, maybe talk to your Doctor/Psych. I have Intermittent explosive disorder (Rage disorder), I used to get super violent, never hit or hurt people, but I'd put holes in walls, hit trees, break things, scream and yell at people. I took anger management, didn't feel it helped much, so I talked to my doctor and he put me on a medication that help with that and now I barely ever even raise my voice. The other thing is, consider Cognitive Therapy if there is one available in your area. I had to take this, and it was the best therapy I have ever had, and I hate therapy, it helped immensely. Some people feel meds are a waste, and that therapy is useless,but it can help, so maybe consider it. Otherwise, just do what you can and slowly move out of your comfort zone a little a time, and things hsould come together.

I'd quote parts but I messed that up before

So I'll do it this way.. @cleo: "You are a wonderful person. Stop trying not to be "you"." I only last night said to my friend that I love being me That's something I've slowly learnt to like. It just always feels like there's so much pressure on trying to not be me from people D:

"NOW....if you are bored at home and WANT to do more things, that's different." I'm not bored at home or bored with doing the same things over and over. It's much like the thing I said before, it feels expected of me to be to 'be my age' and 'grow up' and 'live normally'. I'm very content with everything I have. I do WANT to fit in at the same time though with the likes of getting a job. I have had jobs in the past but I can't say it ever felt comfortable doing them. I was training to become a mechanic and stopped before I ever finished. I've also done construction work but both of these jobs came because of family. We knew the guy who owned the garage and with the construction I've again had familiar people around me.

"(Are you in USA? Sorry, I didn't check your location.)" And I'm in England


@B3astM4n: The thing you said about the movies. I randomly just went over to the cinema one day (which isn't near me at all) I felt pretty great about having managed to go out on my own and felt I was doing fine only for the cinema to be closed I do get these weird random moments of being able to do things like this on my own but they just don't last very long. The outside type obsessions I have are FMX, BMX, Skateboarding, No rules hockey and I suppose astronomy would count. It's hard to find people that share the same interests as my friends have all outgrown a lot of these. But I think I will give the cinema another go and probably get someone to come with me. As for the anger thing, I have had anger management and things before years ago but never felt it helped. The one thing I would say helps me most with the anger is my best friend. She's very level headed and despite being younger than me, she acts a lot older and I look up to her and have learnt a lot from her. She doesn't agree with violence and tells me that I shouldn't even consider hitting people as an option. But sometimes it's just so hard to not do it. Also like you I have holes in my walls and will hit just about anything. I think in recent months it's more a case of I get most angry when I can't explain how I'm feeling in a moment. It gets so frustrating not being able to explain to her or anyone else what's going through my head. So my natural instinct is to start smashing things and hitting things etc.

Thanks to both of you for your replies. You've both given me more things to think about and consider.

It can be both. Even just going out in the back garden for 10 minutes or so can get me worked up. I do manage to be out there longer when I take my telescope out, but even then there's elements of feeling anxious and worked up.

You gave some really good advice. Thanks.

The thing about small conversation and when it comes to the empathy side. I lack empathy so much. Just yesterday one of my friends got her cat back from the vets and it didn't even cross my mind to ask how the cat was. I don't mean to not ask in the moment, it just never occurs to me that I have to or should and usually I'm off in my own thoughts. Do you have any advice on how to remember to ask other people in the moment?[/quote]

When I first boot up my computer, I have it set to perform some system checks to make sure it is running properly and there is nothing that requires my attention. Likewise, when I encounter people I have previously interacted with I have tasked myself with completing a status check before moving on to other business. This entails extracting information on their current mental and physical state by asking "How are you?" in one form or another, and first addressing things which might be pertinent in their life at the moment, usually by attempting to recall something they may have told me previously and inquiring about it.

I try to keep an internal file of things people have told me that might be important to them in some way. Of course I can only judge this by asking myself if it would be important to me, or if I have known it to be important to someone else in the past.