What to do when pple scream and shout at you? Thanks.

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Some people tend to scream and shout at me because...
1. They accuse me of not paying attention to them, but I'm paying attention to them!
2. They want to intimidate me into doing what they want me to do.
3. They just want to vent their anger on me.
I get very frightened when they scream and shout at me. Instinctively, I will cover my ears, but covering my ears often makes them scream even louder. One even screamed, "Only lunatics cover their ears!! !"
To all: How do you react when people scream at you?
To NTs: If covering one's ears is deemed as abnormal, then what is normal?

Hey,

I know exactly what you mean about peoples accusations of "not paying attention to them". That's a black-or-white statement. The grey area is that you ARE paying attention, but just not on the right nuances, due to theory of mind issues. I've been there.

As an Aspie, I can assure you that this statement is not based on logical reasoning, but on emotionally-charged frustration. The irony is that they accuse US of being black-or-white thinkers.

Depending on who's doing the screaming, you should just tell them that you have autism and have clinical difficulty with reading nuance in speech, so it has nothing to do with "not paying attention". If it's in the workplace, I believe you might as well tell them since the negative behaviour is not going to change otherwise, it will just stress you out to the point of collapse, so the way I see it you really have nothing to lose by telling them.

If you have specific examples, post them here, and I'm sure myself and others can help further.

I normally try to lower my voice (in both volume and pitch), yet still talk clearly, so they have to calm down a bit to understand me, effectively the opposite of reacting in a way they're trying to get me to.
Some aspies - including myself - don't make eye contact, and don't reply immediately after someone's said something, and leave long gaps while thinking of what to say, thinking about what's been said, or waiting for something else to be said, and a lack of eye-contact and replying could easily be misinterpreted as not paying attention... if they get annoyed and accuse you of it, just give a summary of what they've said to show you have been paying attention.
The normal thing to do is to raise your voice to match them, but this encourages them and escalates it into an argument, which is often what they want, as arguments are great for venting anger.
If they use shouting for intimidation, then avoid them, these abusive people are generally bad to be around. If avoiding them is impractical, tell someone about it (teacher, security person, your friends)
Also, by not stooping to their level, and remaining calm, they get frustrated in the long-term, which is extremely satisfying

You could try telling them they are being inappropriate. To me, there is something wrong with them.

My mom does it practically every day. It is tremendous psychological stress. I focus my eye on something and blur out anything else. Block out all sensory input. But still, listen to what she is trying to say. Talk in a slow, calm, monotonous pitch.

Fight or flight reaction. I fly.

I hate it when people scream at me. I tend to either try to get away from them, say something to calm them though ( allthough usually not a success ) or just say nothing and hope the person stops screaming. I prefer the last one, since it draws the least attention to me.

I let them rant and stare at them blankly. I don't respond, I don't give them anything to argue with. I just let them get it all out and then once they've run out of stream a reasonable conversation can begin. Sometimes people just need to let their frustration out.

Some people ae just mean. If I can't start a reasonable conversation after their rant, I walk away.

They usually yell two things from the safety of their moving cars. Their insults are f@ggot or ret*d! They never say things to me when they are walking by. If they did it is on I will beat the s**t out of them. I have a high pain threshold, wear steel toe boots, have no empathy, and hit hard as hell so good luck to them. I will be heading to the nearest police station or store front to report it as an attempted robbery as well.

People shouting at me instantly gives me a meltdown. When someone shouts at me (which happens most of the time at home, and used to happen frequently at work), I tend to take the fight option in the "fight or flight" reaction. I shout back, and break down afterward. Though, it frequently got me into trouble, and even if I knew I'm in the right, I'm perceived to be wrong.

I love this f*****g guy. When i was smaller (and younger) I could have written this Post, exept fot the Steel-toed boot part, and the different insults. Nowadays no one yells at the 380 lb gorilla. no matter how ret*d Im acting or WHAT im staring at.

Icyfire:

Im going to back up some of whats already been said...

1) Use a VERY Calm (think Serial Killer - ala American Psycho) voice. Very low in both Volume and Tone. Almost a whisper but not quite,.
2) DO NOT COVER YOUR EARS!! ! Why ? Screw that crap about being "normal" scraming at ppl isnt normal dont do it because it puts them in the position of Power and SCREW THAT THEY DON DESERVE IT.
3)When ppl say i didnt listen to them I use SerialKillerVoice and repeat what they said VERBATIM.
4) when they want to vent? AGAIN we use SerialKillerVoice and state VERY calmly that "I am not the cause of your Ire, so why am I the target of your Wrath? Why dont you treat ME like your friend , and THAT person like your enemy?" It usually only takes 4-5 times of hearing the same speech for an NT to "get it".
5) BE CONSISTENT. You see, they want you to get worked up with them, let them know that their behavior is unacceptable, and while you ARE their friend and will listen to their issues if presented calmly, you are NOT their Punching Bag. Let them know clearly and concisely that adults do not behave in this manner, and that NO ONE responds positively to being shouted at. that only leads to defensiveness or agression.
6) STONEFACE THEM. No Emotions and no "pained" look.

And I havesensory Issues as well , so I know how hard it can be to be in a quiet/silent room and all of a sudden its LOUD. that crap HURTS. But Stonefacing them is the best way to slow their roll.

I either yell right back and outyell them, or I turn the whole situation around so that they look like they are making a fool out of themself.

I'd really have to know more about the circumstances to give you an answer on this one.

Is it your parents? If so, how old are you?
What is it you are doing that causes them to yell?
Is this the same people yelling about the same thing each time?

I can't believe that random strangers yell at you.
If it's school teachers or caregivers or your boss, then they are out of line.
Teachers or caregivers should be reported to someone as being abusive.
If it's your boss, get another job.

If it's your parents, more information on the exact circumstance is needed to give a helpful reply.

I used to start getting angry back and shout, usually I would manipulate them and make them feel really bad.... (For some reason I seem to be able to pick up on most things people hate about themselves. Wonder why I still can't tell the difference from sarcasm and seriousness (Well unless it's blatantly obvious...))

Now I usually just let them go on and wait patiently as I found out this is just perfect. (If the persons likely to calm down and be friends again they will get over this fast(It also usually makes them realise you didn't know why they were ranting and makes them feel bad), whilst shouting back will cause a cataclysm in your friendship... And if they are likely not going to calm down or be friends again they will probably just think you're now being an as*hole and storm off)

(Getting a bit sidetracked but if you ever make a teacher rant at you do the stare blankly and don't reply tactic, it's hilarious! Almost always makes them feel so bad for what they did, or they often think you're doing the 'bigger man' thing they get even more sad! (Ok now I sound evil but it's the only working tactic to stop teachers ranting/disliking you ))

OK, I'm kind of skeptical about this routine...sure you can use it on strangers, people you see infrequently, or people that you know you won't have further contact with for the right reasons, but if you try using it at work (esp. w/ someone higher up on the ladder than you) then it will definitely create friction and get you reprimanded. The person will likely ask "Why are you speaking that way?" Then you have two choices, you can admit you were just frustrated, upset, etc, or you can play dumb and say in the same voice "I speak how I normally speak, I do not know what you are talking about..." either way, it can't end very well.

As for what another poster said, if it IS your boss, yes it's time to get another job, or find a more conciliatory tact - unless the shouting contains slurs like "rainman" or "f**ng weirdo" then you have a case for harassment on prohibited grounds of disability.