I'm part of a smaller subculture in the city where I live. While I live in a relatively large city, our community is small and most people know most others. There is a lot of interpersonal connections and allegiances which change and shift over time, as happens with these communities. I think I'm generally more able to navigate this as an Aspergian because I have found a rather tight-knit core group with a very understanding "chosen family".
The problem is that there's been a rift among three of these people. On one side, someone I've taken to regarding as a sort of "adoptive father"; on the other, two friends who I greatly respect. These guys are all over 30 (two of them are over 50). And they're involved in a huge, messy, dramatic mess right now. My "Dad" sort of acted inappropriately with the date of one of the guys ("R") at a party thrown by "R" and the other friend, "K". Dad hit on the date and made her very uncomfortable, which is something he's been very vocal against young men in our community doing to young women. My Dad has been seen as a community leader and educator, and ended up defying the very principles he stands for. One of the principal reasons for this is his struggle with Bi-Polar Disorder (which can lead to impulsive behaviors during manic episodes), and he feels totally awful about his actions. The problem is that I see the validity and merit of both perspectives, my Dad's and that of R & K. R & K are very understandably pissed about the breach of protocol/boundaries, but at this point, their anger has gone from being a private matter to going public (as of today). When I spoke out on another man in our community who acted in a way that made several women uncomfortable (hitting on them, propositioning them, even after he was refused), I was told that I "shouldn't throw stones" and should "tone down my opinion, in light of the situation". I'm really sort of upset right now, at everyone involved.
I didn't do anything wrong and I'm not immediately involved in the situation. Yet, I'm being dragged in and told that I can't act a certain way based on the actions of someone else, someone who regrets what they've done (despite the perception of the other party). I'm finding this to be incredibly frustrating and confusing, and I'm well on my way to feeling shutdown-y and like I should withdrawl from social interaction for a few days. Unfortunately, the issue is compounded by Saturday being New Year's Eve and both parties pulling me in opposite directions; I feel duty-bound to spend the holiday with both of them or risk upsetting a lot of people. Hate this.
How do some of you deal with friends who have these kinds of conflicts, while still remaining neutral (like Switzerland)? I think this level of social functioning is just a little bit out of my reach, maybe?
28 Dec 2011, 6:45 pm
