Don't have many friends, don't have social skills

Post Reply New Topic

I've always been having trouble with making new friends wether or not they have Asperger Syndrome or Autism, I really don't have any social skills, I've always been withdrawn from crowds and I never even think to start conversations with others, and half the time they don't bother to talk to me, it's hard for me to make friends with people who are not Autistic or do not have Asperger Syndrome because when I try, half the time they give me a blank stare and they don't know what I'm talking about when I try to explain to them that I have Asperger Syndrome, they'll just look at me oddly and ask, "what's Asperger syndrome, is that some sort of disease or illness!?" or they'll assume that I'm some kind of psycho freak show, the one thing that annoys me is when people who don't have Autism or Asperger syndrome suddenly go on assuming that us Aspies have some sort of disease or illness that they think will spread to others, it's stupid really. And I don't even really have any kind of social skills either, I don't know how to start conversations, I don't know how to keep my cool when I'm stuck in problematic situations that are very stressful, I get way too many panic attacks at random times, and sometimes I can't control my anger or any of my negative emotions, it sucks

Best way to introduce yourself to someone is by saying

"How's it going?"

It could mean anything to an NT, it's an introduction to them. It doesn't literally mean "How's it going?" because I've made the mistake of answering "Oh well I'm kind of sad today but I'm gonna do yoga later" and people are like "what? ok.." Because that's not the answer they were expecting. What they expect is "What's up?" And it doesn't literally mean "What is going on?" It's just a reciprocation.

And when you get past the introductions you can ask them whatever you want and take it from there. If you're in a class with them or see them frequently, it would be better to stave off of asking for contact information from them until you've gotten to know them a little better, as that might come across as desperate.

That's just it, I usually can't say, "how's it going" or "what's up" first hand, I'm usually the second person to say something like that or sometimes the third or fourth, I'm never the first person to speak up first because I'm so shy and nervous to speak up, like, meeting new people face to face, I usually just sit and wait for someone new to talk to me before I say anything back, I'm just way too shy and nervous to be the first to speak up

I have the same problem and because of this I have not had any friends in 10 years.
When I try to be social and act like the NTs I fail miserably.
My advice to you is not to mention you have aspergers because most people are ignorant. Even if they know what it is they probably don't understand.
For me to say "how's it going" is pointless. It never works because I say it at the wrong time without knowing.

Artrat, I agree, I can't even bother to say, "what's up" or "how's it going" first hand because I keep thinking that maybe it's the wrong time to say it, so, I basically wait until someone comes up to me and says, "what's up" or "how's it going" it's just easier for me, half the time I just like to hide in dark corners withdrawn from the crowds, I don't even like big crowds because I get into a panic of not knowing what to do and I just feel like I want to leave the area where there's large crowds of people, and I've always thought that it was a good idea to mention that I have Asperger Syndrome, I've told my boyfriend and he wasn't ignorant about it, I actually had to explain it all to him and he kinda understood but on the other side he more thought that I don't have anything wrong with me, I've mentioned that I have Asperger Syndrome to some friends as well, sometimes they were ignorant sometimes they'd tell me that they know someone who has Asperger Syndrome or one of their family members has Autism or Asperger Syndrome.

I agree with not mentioning the AS.
For one thing, people want to talk about themselves, not you.
Second, they have short attention spans and don't want to hear a long babble of facts.

You can relax, NT's rarely bite. If you are out and about, joining activities you enjoy (like yoga),
other people inside the activity will naturally approach you. This first impression is key.
That's where we often drop the ball, and why WhiteWidow suggested making your opening gambit "a neutral comment".
Any simple, casual greeting question will do. Smile WHILE you say it. WAIT for them to talk. KEEP SMILING at them.

I practiced in front of the mirror for ages, and chose a greeting that felt comfortable for me.
Smiling while talking looked impossible, but I'd seen them do it so I knew I had to try.
It feels funny but gets easier. I ran a short "smile" practice the other night before going to a neighborhood holiday party.
I didn't know more than 3 people there. Had no idea (in advance) what to say to any of them. Plus I don't remember names. LOL! And I've been doing this for years. It's the nature of the beast.

It turned out okay. I simply wandered around and smiled at people and they asked ME things
(Do you live over on ___street?), (Do you have a ___dog?), (Did your house used to be yellow?)
But I wasn't there looking to find a BFF. Just being a good neighbor.

It's still a drag. that never changes. Wait...no...actually it's fun sometimes. But one can't predict the ones that are going to turn out "fun" in advance (and skip the bad ones!), so one simply has to go and find out the hard way.

I kind of have the same issue, though I never have described it as shy and nervous, its more like something my brain cannot figure out how to do........like I litterally cannot go up to someone and say 'hows it going' or whatever if I don't know them. So I usually just try to go places I like and hang out until someone talks to me.......but obviously that does not always work. But yeah once someone starts talking to me I am pretty open about things but its like I can't start the interaction myself.

I'm going to go with Sweetleaf on this one as well as Artrat, I'm not a big fan of going to wild parties, I really don't enjoy Yoga, and I just don't like going to places with huge crowds of people because I get really anxious and I get into a panic, I just feel like I want to leave without trying to talk to people or without allowing them to try and talk to me, I'd rather just be in a group with two or three other people, I'm not much of a sociable person around crowds of people, I don't like to be the one to talk first, I'd rather be the one to respond secondly after someone talks to me, and I guess I should mention I'm honestly blunt about everything, I don't like to keep anything about myself hidden or secret from others and another thing, I don't like talking to people who mostly become arrogant and narcisstic by only talking about themselves and not talking about me, when it comes down to it, the whole conversation should be about me and the other person I talk to, not just and only about them, not just and only about me, but about the both of us, the fact that I'm verbally blunt and honest is actually a good thing, it's better to be honest and truthful than to keep secrets and sugar coat lies, in fact, the site I go on called VampireFreaks.com there's a few people on their who openly admitted that they have Autism or Asperger Syndrome or that they had a friend who has Autism or Asperger Syndrome or that they have a family member who has Autism or Asperger Syndrome, so, I disagree with WhiteWidow and with Cleo, I think it's ok to openly admit that you have Autism or Asperger Syndrome to others because you never know, you may get a few people who will say, "me too" or "oneif my family members has Autism/Asperger Syndrome" or "a friend of mine has Autism/Asperger Syndrome" and everything will play out just fine

Practice at the cash register! Its an in and out encounter that requires minimal speaking and little, if any eye contact. If approaching someone seems a bit daunting, this is a great place to start by getting comfortable with the introduction part first. Start with greeting them with a hello.... as you push your groceries forward. They'll probably say something like "did you find everything you were looking for", to which you can say oh yeah, thanks." if they ask "how are you today?", just be cool and say great thanks for asking. If there are more than one register, don't buy all your stuff at once and then you can do repeat practicing! If someone says, weren't you just in here, just go yeah I forgot some stuff. You do this enough times you will get more comfortable with it. The secret is to keep practicing. If I don't engage, for example, in large group social activities on a regular basis, I tend to re-sensitize to it, so I try to stay active that way so I don't lose any ground!

Once you've got the cashier thing down, servers in restaurants are the perfect next step. More communication with a longer duration, and more likely to be more personal. It's by stepping it up a little bit at a time that eventually you could work yourself up to hundreds or even thousands of people at a time. Temple Grandin does it! It takes consistant exposure though, in my experience.

Just earlier this afternoon, I was so enraged at my parents and my mentor that I stormed out of the house while saying, "I'm going out to get myself killed, see ya!" than I walked for at least a couple hours onto the streets and roads just to go to my Uncle's Ace Hardware Store and the pharmacy, I mean, yeah, sure, after a while my hip and my legs were in pain and weak but I didn't care, my rage gave me enough strength and energy to walk so far of a distance, I went into the hardware store and said hi to the guy behind the cash register, he asked if I needed help with something and I said no that I was just looking around, and of course that's all I did, than after that, I walked to the pharmacy next door and of course one of the pharmicists knew me so she said hi and asked if I needed help with anything and I just said no that I'm just looking around, and I told her what had happened, she was so nice that she gave me some cookies and a cup of hot chocolate and I thanked her and I sat down and relaxed a bit, I was calming down a bit and a part of me was quite shocked and surprised that I was able to walk such a far distance by myself, but at least I got some kind of social experience after the fact, it feels good to get out and clear my head of all the rage that was building up inside me, plus getting exercise, phew, lol

Yeah, I avoid, in just about all cases, telling people I have Aspergers. I recommend you never tell someone you have Aspergers unless all the following conditions are satisfied:
a. you trust them not to spread that secret to anyone you do not want finding out
b. you trust that the person is well read enough to know what AS is
c. you know them very well

(In my case, usually people can't tell, so it works out.)

Well, a lot of my friends and family and my boyfriend are people I trust, so they all know I have Asperger Syndrome, plus I work with a mentor from Key Human Services and I work with DDS, those companies are built for working with people who have Autism and Asperger Syndrome, I've been going to social skills group meetings every Wednesday night, plus I've been going to neurofeedback session appointments every Wednesday afternoon, so, I'm doing quite well, a lot of people that I know and trust, know that I have Asperger Syndrome

It does sound difficult that you aren't able to stand crowds, I used to suffer from social anxiety and I still do to an extent but I have learned strategies to cope with crowds and social functions which have really helped. In most cases, people who have many friends don't have a close relationship with them and really have no real interest in them other than seeing them as acquaintances to go partying with, Remember that it is about the quality of friends that matter and not the quantity.

I still have social anxiety in large crowds but I never learned to cope with it, I still go into a major panic, I still have panic attacks that almost feel like heart attacks because of how bad they get.
And when it comes to my friends, they all are very close to me and they do care about me, I don't consider them acquaintances, and they don't consider me an acquaintance, we all consider ourselves to be real close friends that care about each other.

When i was younger i found it a great help for my parents to break the ice with someone, when i say younger i mean up to late 20's! If you don't have a friend or relative who could do that for you you could try initiating a conversation that's pertinent to the current environment you're in and try not to over analyse things. Trying to engage with cashiers in a shopping environment is a good idea, they get enagaged hundreds of times a day so even if you think you made a fool of yourself they won't remember it and each time you do it your confidence will build. You don't have to be a sparkling whit but just ask how they are doing and if it's been busy that day, then if you keep returning to that store and keep seeing the same cashier you can build from there.

The hardest thing is the first move, it gets easier from there.

Good luck!

Thanks, Swinehat, although, I barely say hi to cashiers anymore, lately I've just been doing all my shopping online, that way I won't have to be out in the public half the time, like I said before, I don't like big crowds of people because whenever i'm around big crowds, I get into a panic and I can't control it, I mostly just feel like wanting to go home so I can get away from it all before my panic attack gets worse. The only time I come close to saying hi to a cashier is when I'm at my Uncle's Ace Hardware Store or when I'm in the pharmacy right next door, or when I'm at the nearby post office, that's it, all other times, I'm just staying silent and not really talking to anyone except my parents when I'm with them.