Making other people feel good...

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People like you if you make them feel good. You can make people feel good by being funny, telling interesting stories, being a good listener etc.

I think this is what makes it is so difficult for me to make friends because what makes other people feel good is not necessarily what makes me feel good. It can be very difficult to figure out what makes NTs feel good sometimes.

It also means that when they do something to make me feel good I might not appreciate it or even notice it which makes me seem rude and they will dislike me even more...

I can only describe my own experience, but I found I was much happier when I quit trying to be a people pleaser. Now, I try to do the right thing toward other people because it's a reflection on me, not them.

Something that happened to me not five minutes ago should suffice to illustrate my point. I held the first door open for a fellow entering my establishment. He didn't say thank you or by your leave; he didn't even look at me. Then he slammed the second door in my face.

If I held doors open to please people, I'd be upset at this fellow's rudeness. But it's about my manners rather than somebody else's rudeness.

I try to be good rather than liked. It's all I can do successfully.

I can see where you are coming from but it's not that I try to be a people pleaser all the time. I just want to be in a position where it's even possible for me to help others and do the right thing. It seems like no one needs or wants my help now because they don't enjoy my company.



Maybe he was an aspie and didn't know he was being rude?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nQil1DnISQ[/youtube]

Sometimes I feel like overly trying to please other people and making them feel good makes myself look weak and insecure. I feel like it could turn me into a door mat for other people, and sometimes it has in the past. " Ohh jeremy won't mind..he is sweet"....almost making me seem feminine and not manly enough because im overly kind. I wonder if other Aspies feel the same way?

Because of a very difficult and abusive childhood, I became a people pleaser-- much to my own detriment. I know when I'm trying to make someone else happy, rather than considering my own needs. And a lot of people have let me be their doormat without hesitation.

But knowing that doesn't make it any easier to stop. Right now, I'm hibernating to get away from friends and aquaintances. I'm nice to complete strangers with very non-commital gestures (like holding the door, or trying to smile and make eye contact when someone says "good morning" or whatever)

Other than that, I'm on the wagon

I think the first post is pretty much spot on. My problem seems to be that I sometimes get a bit too focused on my own thoughts and feelings at the expense of others.

I've found that asking people lots of questions is a good way to make them feel good without being a doormat. Makes them feel interesting if the questions are about themselves, intelligent if the questions are about some topic they consider themselves the expert on (everyone has at least one).

Exactly, sometimes you can't please everyone and if you try, you end up putting yourself in a situation of compromise.