My five-minute reign of terror

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I just had five minutes of sheer barbarism, still blushing and I have a feeling I'll be blushing to think of this one for years to come.

A coworker of ours, sales associate, just got back from six weeks out of work; had stage 3 cancer, she's fighting it well though and they were able to get 99.9% of it out, the rest I think is several months chemo but it looks like she'll have a full recovery.

We got her a few gifts while she was out, I took a collection and we got her a bag of tea and decanter. She was back here and after maybe 20 seconds of not even looking at each other she said something (I think asked which project I was working on), I kind of just answered the question; really hasn't been much to say on this one - it's not going anywhere. Enter the social Shaft in me:

"Did you have a chance to try the tea out yet?"

"Mmm...no, they've actually told me to steer clear of caffein....."

"Oh.....got yah, that makes sense. I can't remember, *think* this one might be caffein free but I'll check"

(checked online as she walked back to her office)

I dropped in after that:

"Yeah, I see that one does have some. That store has a lot of cool stuff though, last time I was there I decided to get (some white tea I mentioned) that was good; they do have some stuff that has minimal caffein"

"Ermm...ok.....thank you"

(me hated how bad the conversation was going, tried to think of something - anything to bail myself out of it)

"How was your weekend?"

"Ah, it was okay, had a birthday party"

"Ah, we had two! Surprise parties as well for a couple relatives. Haven't seen my family do surprise parties, ever really. Two, in one weekend"...

(kinda just walked away after that)

Yeah, I've been known to take awkward to a whole new level, but this is also someone who I know is fighting cancer, looking at losing her hair, I had no intention of looking like I was somehow leaning on her or panicking about the gift but it couldn't have looked worse in that direction. For what she's dealing with I think I just took wrong to a 'whole' new level.


I think the thing I'm coming to realize bit by bit, perhapse that I already did realize about myself but haven't necessarily felt like I had to leave to just accept this: there's no improving my social skills. I know they're abysmal, I know that in any situation where I don't fully know what I'm doing without thinking I'm utterly barbaric. Getting more and more to the point where I'm starting to think my new 'just shut in and give up' policy may be the best damage control in general. Yeah, going out with friends is one thing, on the other hand though - between my facial expressive and cadence liabilities (which will AFAIK never change in my life) its pretty much a done deal.

No, I'm not too distressed, and I think with time I'm finally coming to just expect the apocalyptic/social kamakazee from myself a bit better. All the same, hopefully its worth a half-uncomfortable/awkward laugh from some angle.

i didn't think it sounded that bad?
at least you didn't avoid her altogether

I think it was the nonverbals that were nails on a chalboard bad (not quite as bad as Ralphie with the fruit basket in A Christmas Story but - yeah, that particular variety of awkward). From what I've noticed though, as far as my aspie super-competancies are concerned, nonverbals and cadence are likely my biggest expertise in acts of social terrorism.

Overall though the compulsion that got me in trouble was realizing she needed someone to talk to, trying to force myself to be human for once, and realizing that I did a greater job of proving the contrary than I could have hoped.

reminds me of when a friend came back to uni after a year out from cancer treatment:
- completely walked past her until she called me back. she was self conscious and probably thought she looked unrecognisable or something, really it was just me looking at the floor as usual
-gave her hug, nice to see you etc etc, (well done me...)
-asked her about a petty incident that had been going on last time i saw her (before cancer) because it was all i could think of off the top of my head, she brushed it off and said something like 'life's too short, i have bigger things to worry about now'. doh.
-said her hair looked nice like that and that she can carry it off because she's pretty and i never could (shut up brain). she replied that she hoped i never had to. cringe

The interaction as a whole probably wasn't that bad and i did lots of things okay too, but the bits that stick out and make me wince upon memory are the bad bits. She on the other hand probably remembers nothing of it

You do know how to grab our attention at first and then professionally fool us by making it turn out so damn cheesy at the end.

I expected a fight.

"Social terrorism"? Lol, if you think your run-in was bad, you should come shadow me at work for a day. Observe as I struggle through visiting dying people in the hospital, clumsily attempt to calm down hysterical homeless people who have no where to go, pretend to be completely unphased by whatever horrible living conditions I encounter when I walk into strangers' homes to do intakes, etc.

I've been dealing with difficult situations everyday in a professional role for years and still have difficulties knowing how to handle some of these situations, as do my NT coworkers; sometimes you just have to acknowledge this stuff is hard for everyone and give yourself a pat on the back for trying.

I noticed you said you were the one who took the collection for her gift. Surely that's got to count for something? Also, one thing I've been told repeatedly is that many people who are in difficult situations, like your coworker, just want to be treatedly like they usually are and would like, more than anything, to have things get back to normal. So, sometimes, having someone be matter-of-fact and not overly emotional is actually a welcome thing.

I forgot the closer as well. She came back again right after that, I asked if she'd be traveling any time soon, she said no - they said it was risky. I agreed, I understood their concern.

On another level though I don't feel so bad; there's one other girl who works with us and she's told her a couple times how skinny she looks (probably worse than I did). Yeah, she probably delivered it better but still, it just didn't strike me as a complimentary thing to say exactly.

I suspect it's probably very difficult to deal with someone who has cancer. You don't know their mood, for a start.

Hehe, nah, no one worth fighting here. My boss is closing on 50 with two kids in college, his boss is 60, our sales rep is mid-50's I believe, and the two closest to my age 40 and 25, are a guy who'd remind you Woody Allen meets Dan Akroyd, the girl's kinda Katherin Hagel'ish, and they're back here shooting rubber bands, hurling insults, and generally taking their angst out on each other Super Troopers style. It'd be like picking a fight on the set of Napoleon Dynamite.

Sounds very Belgium, where do you live?

Yeah, I can figure that being stressful.


I consider myself lucky that I work with a couple goobers as well, so I don't stick out quite as badly as I might otherwise.


Its tricky as well because sometimes thats true, ie. they just want it ignored, other people act as though they know they're supposed to behave that way but can't fully, at those times it seems like they're equally confused. I think the gift was still a good idea; the tea was cheap and the gift was really in the form of the mug/strainer set anyway.

midwest United States.

That's cool, if you dig a hole where you are standing right now and proceed doing it till you pass earths core you might end up coming out of my yard.

Sounds hot.

Good for melting the snow here.

i've never had any serious disease nor has anyone i've known too personally had anything of the sort.
that being said, it still kinda seems to me like MOST people would have trouble handling this kind of situation. and unlike you, perhaps many people would not only handle it awkwardly, but then shrug it off afterwards, like, "hey, i tried.." there's a real "duty" aspect that goes on in a lot of these situations, it seems to me. which is to say, it's something people feel obligated to do and no real attachment to.
though i've never had anything like this, i have been in the hospital before, and so have some of my relatives. honestly, i appreciated interactions like this more than people who went overboard were hugging me and telling me this and that "deep personal sensitive stuff". because some of them, i honestly couldn't recall who exactly they were. that could be my extreme desire for personal space speaking there.. but somehow i don't think so.
anyway.
awkward? yes. coulda shoulda woulda said something more eloquent? carried yourself better? probably. barbaric? terror? no, no, no. you meant well, and she probably knows that. and it's probably not the only awkward but wellmeaning encounter she's had so far.