How come I can't sustain conversations? (hit a brick wall)

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I've had this problem that I can't think of anything to say a lot of times in conversations, especially when it involves people's emotions and social matters. It's like seeing a puzzle that I can't find the answer to (can't find what to say next). Is there a method to genuinely be more engaging and sustain conversation? This is one of my fears about dating that I'll come off as boring.

Whenever I watch movies and shows, I try to "store" phrases and expressions in order to emulate them later on. I find it somewhat effective, but it seems superficial and limited. It's like trying to memorize every possible combination of chess moves rather than actually understanding how the dynamics of the game works so I can independently navigate my way through a chess game.

dont try to get around the brick wall. its a lot of effort and stress for nothing, because you probably cant ever defeat it as hard as you try. this is of coarse not to say i am 100 % sure this is the way it is for you, keep in mind i do not know you.
But i am speaking from my experience. I spent most of high school trying to figure out how to say the right things to keep peoples attention, to cause them to be interested in me, to want to interact with me. I know you really wish you could converse as fluidly as others do , but it is not in your nature. It not in my nature anyway, once i realized that it took a great burden off of me. Well actually i didnt ever really realize it, i just got very depressed because i couldn't keep up with the social enterprises of my peers. Then i fell in with the goths who did not mind my natural mode. It wasn't really planned that way it is just what happened. I'm not saying that is the group you need to find solice in, but i am suggesting you may be happier if you find a group of people to socialize with who are odd in themselves . . . it will probably work out better.
in recent years when i learned about autism i always thought things would have been so much simpler for me back then if i knew there was a reason for my mysterious brick wall between others.
You know why you are different . . . you are here.
I fear i have been far less than articulate, but ill let you respond to my input if you wish, and perhaps from there i can hash out better the important points

Totally agree with so_subtly_strange.

Once you feel you have got around the brick wall, you will released that it is an illusion and you are in reality looking at the brick wall from another perspective. Also agree with surrounding yourself around other 'odd' folk or if i can add to that 'accepting' folk. Has for the emotion part, i am nearly 40, i am trained psychologist and in-particular trained in facial movements and body gestures, and i still miss the most obvious emotion or facial expression in others when in normal convo.

Phrases, and common things to say will get you through briefly, but wont maintain friendships. Thus i think it is more important to find a hobby or interest and make friends that way, as your have something in common to talk about. Also, beware of people who talk to the point that it seems that they fear silence, as they will drain you physically and mentally of your energy.

Last edited by techstepscientist on 19 Feb 2012, 10:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

I try to accept that I need time to come up with a relevant response by not saying anything immediately. Often people will just keep talking. I do the same thing with movies and things I've heard, but it does feel disingenuous.

Very well put. For me it just took practice, over time I have developed the ability to keep some conversations going. Here's a few examples that have worked for me:

If someone is talking to me about something I'm not interested in:
First of all I keep eye contact as best I can. If it's my turn to talk, the easiest way to keep the convo moving along is to just ask a relevant question, that shows that you are interested in what the other person is saying but also allows them to continue talking which takes the burden off you.

If someone is talking to me about something I'm interested in:
I will let them have their say then I will say my piece (I used to drone on and on which wasn't good for a convo). I will talk passionately about something I'm interested in but I will do it in small chunks so if the other person is becoming bored there will be several natural breaks in the convo where they can exit it, there's nothing worse than droning on to someone who just wants to slowly back away .

If someone is talking to me about something I don't understand:
I'll let them say there piece and nod along in a 'yes I'm listening but not necessarily agreeing with you' kind of way, if they do not ask a question then after a short pause I can just start talking about something else, if they do ask me something then I will jokingly say "I have no idea what your talking about" but then I'll pose a question so as to make it look like I'm interested and that will allow them to continue talking which again takes the burden off me for a while. Once I understand what they are talking about the convo becomes a lot easier.

If someone is talking to me and I'm not in the mood for conversation:
I'll do one of the previous three things mentioned above for a short period of time and when there's a natural break in the convo I'll slowly start to walk off (whilst keeping eye contact) then I tend to spout some kind of two part platitude; "well that's just how it is sometimes mate, don't let it get to you", "well I suppose, but that's just the way it is sometimes.", "yeah right, just what we need, another 'xxxxx' (sarcasm)". As I'm walking off I'll make it look like I'm doing so for a reason (go to the toilet, carry on with work, go to the bar, check my phone...).

Another good trick to maintaining a mutually interesting convo is to use body language. Use your hands if you are expressing a point with vehemence, shake your head if you are both disagreeing with something, nod along if you are agreeing and laugh together (or smile if you feel you have to force it). I've recently been told at work that I have the gift of the gab (I work in retail) and when that was said to me I felt shocked. It seems I'm doing something right even though I always feel like I struggle.

Anyway this seems long so I'll wrap up. These are guidelines that seem to work quite well for me, give them a try and report back with your progress, I hope they are of some use to you - good luck

I think I might take some of those tips on board o_O I'm horrible about going on and on about stuff people have no interest in / don't understand. I can't read body language or any kind of social cues. I'm OVER-expressive, while a lot of people I know are under-expressive. My over-expressiveness (a lot of my expression is in the use of my hands) is actually one more point of stickiness here, because Queenslanders don't really take well to that sort of thing, so the fact I'm a foreigner with Aspergers REALLY stands out xD

I've been told I have a gift for helping others, for friendships, but I also don't seem to have a functioning on/off switch; I'm either rambling or not conversing at all :s

I love the analogies in this thread though

Paulie C's got down to an art .

In my life I know a lot of social workers and a journalist, and watching them has been a great lesson, especially since I ask questions about how they interact the way that they do. The journalist always asks questions, leans forward when he's interested and makes eye contact. Similarly, the SWs ask questions about the person they're talking to, lean forward, gesture and make eye contact. My mum (also a SW - I can't get away from the blasted people!!) explained it to me like this:

Imagine how I would feel if someone I was talking to looked bored, kept looking away or never said anything in response.
I'd feel awkward and embarrassed.
Well, NT's aren't so different. When they talk, they expect certain interaction (Just like PaulieC shows) - eye contact, moving the body into certain positions, verbal responses (I get away with "Mmm" a lot . I have many different versions - "MMM!", "Mmm?", "Mmm!" etc). And mum is right - asking questions is brilliant. It doesn't matter if you don't care about the answer - the point is to engage the NT. My journalist friend ought to be doing courses for Aspies about how to draw people out .

Don't worry, if your having a conversation with me. It's almost always one sided. I do all the talking, I can't shut up. xD

Believe it or not, neurotypicals also have a problem with this.
It's called 'Breaking the ice' and hasn't been scientifically dealt with, as far as my research has ascertained.
Basically, you have to 'wing it' (another unverified variable)
As we seem to be talking about talking to potential mates here, I will stress that females are mostly as terrified of being with you as you are with them.
Remember that you have that in common and be as... genuine, I think the word I am looking for is


Waste of time
Movies and shows are themselves staged pieces, an artificial game, it's all set up before.
It's like waiting for someone to bring in a piece of cheese so you can say "I cut the cheese"
You'll be waiting forever.

The 'Game' is the girl and she is unwritten in any code you will ever learn
The best you can hope for is that she will learn you
and forgive you