I can't communicate with my "friends" anymore...

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I've realized I have asperger's since about November, maybe a little before. I went through a really bad depression where I was so preoccupied with my problems that I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone. I expressed my concerns with a few people, but didn't get the feeling they wanted to understand/help or even really cared. Lately, I've been well enough that I don't dread leaving the house and facing the world everyday, but communicating with people the way I used to has become very difficult.

I've been thinking about all the people I'm friends with and if can still consider them friends. I realize now that my ideas about friendship were skewed and that I was likely thinking that people that are probably really nothing more than an acquaintance were actually my friend. I started remembering situations where at the time I thought maybe someone was being rude to me or being shady but I couldn't really tell, and now I'm thinking that they most likely were and I was too naive to realize it. You know that feeling you get when you think people are hiding something from you or talking about you behind your back? I constantly have it.

Anyway, the people I live with now are people I became friends with through my job. My job is one of those places where socializing is the norm, and even takes the place of actually working at times, so close relationships tend to form there. I can't communicate with any of them the way I used to. It didn't bother me before to participate in small talk and the latest work gossip with them before, but now it does. It feels fake to me now. Even talking about topics of substance or common interest is hard. I don't feel comfortable talking with my roommates for some reason. I listen to them chat and laugh with each other and I just don't know how they do it. They seem so in sync with one another. Times I've tried to participate I feel really awkward and out of place and can't think of what to say to contribute to the conversation.

Part of me feels like I can't trust most of them anymore. Not necessarily because they did or said something terrible but because I don't know if they really consider me a good friend like I thought, and I don't want to open up to them anymore until I know. But I feel like this shouldn't inhibit me from talking to them at all because I've known them for a while. I even feel this way about people I've known since high school and college. I don't feel close to anyone anymore, and I'm not even sure if people even want me around. It also occurred to me that before finding out about AS, I may have said/done things around people that I thought was socially normal but it wasn't. It makes me anxious to think I've embarrassed myself and didn't even know, not to mention the effect it may have had on peoples' perception of me. Anyone gone through/ currently going through this? Any tips?

Okay, you're going through some issues that are really tough, such as realizing people who you thought were kind of friends are more just acquaintances.

Now, a good general answer is engagement, not conformity.

The details are hard and by their very nature partial. So another thing which helps me is zen and accepting imperfections add to the texture of life.

But still, all the same it bothers me that most people aren't interested in theories of ethics and making the world a better place and I wondered why not? Retail store, how easily co-workers turn against customers. Working at H&R Block, how co-workers will be open-faced and seemingly genuinely care about their clients at the beginning, but theh bail when the customer comes in to complain about not getting their refund on time, seeming to use that the person is unreasonable as the perfect excuse to bail. But I still don't really understand it.

And then I engaged in peace activism in response to the first Persian Gulf war in 1990-91. I thought I would meet some people and make some friends with people I really had stuff in common with. Very disappointing that really didn't happen. One nice older lady tried to coach me a little (wasn't really looking for that either). Okay, a couple of ideas: Prior to engaging in activisms, many people have gone through a growth period and are now in more of a consolidation period. Many people have heard enough stories about FBI spying and informers to shy away from people who are different, makes it a higher stakes thing. And a lot of people are doing activism out of a sense of obligation and not to make friends. And maybe like I often do, I overtried.

But still, very disappointing.

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Okay, with depression, a general practitioner once told my mom that depression can start out situational and become biochem. And it's hit or miss which medication will work for a particular person.
http://articles.latimes.com/2009/aug/03 ... ug-choice3

And sometimes still important to come down in stages from antidepressant even if it doesn't seem to be working
http://articles.latimes.com/2009/aug/03 ... ing-drugs3

And a person can go to either a psychiatrist or a regular doctor like an internist or family practitioner, his or herchoice.

I have struggled with depression (apparently so has my mother, at least somewhat). I haven't yet tried antidepressants, but next time, I might.

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And please continue to use us as a resource. Sometimes people are good at responding, sometimes they're not.

Sounds like you had a pretty big paradigm shift in your thinking there. I call that growing up. (Maybe something similar to a quarter-life crisis?) I wouldn't go so far as to say your friends aren't still your friends, but you probably need a little bit of time to re-discover yourself. Can you take a vacation and get away for a bit?

I went through this phase around a year ago.

It was a dark phase of my life and everything around seemed confusing

Its better to live such a phase in isolation because the mind is not able to diagnose the situation
accurately

i feel you should start life all over in a new place or surrounding
that will be much easier to handle.

Or, try new groups and activities at the same time you keep your current friends. Roll with the good things, add some more. Maybe you have grown past your former friends, deep zen breath try to accept that. Try not to be judgmental, try not to insist they grow all at once and catch up, or even in your same direction.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions/comments. They're very helpful. I really wish I could isolate myself for an extended period of time, via vacation or moving to a new place or whatever, but unfortunately I don't have the luxury to do so right now. The best I can get is staying in my room, not going out and doing things and not engaging with people, when is what I naturally do when I'm depressed or stressed out or when I just want to be alone, so it's only so helpful.

Even so, I've been doing a lot of self reflection, but everything is just so confusing. My feelings are confusing, my thoughts are confusing, everyone around me is confusing because I can't read or understand them. It's like I'm going through puberty again, but it feels so much worse. It's like the closer I get to figuring something out,i just end up more confused than before.

I know the feeling. I spent this past year doing nothing but reading and self-reflecting on things. It helped a lot, but I went through quite a lot of mental turmoil before I was able to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It's worth it in the long run. Good luck.

This sounds like my scenario...but it was more because I lived in a "bubble" but even that bubble wasn't always there where I assumed my friends would always talk to me or want to hang around with me.

Not that I don't consider them now, but when I try to socialise with them, I get brushed off or forgotten about.

I kind of felt that way too when I realised that I didn't relate to them when I thought I did.

My advice would be to look around and see what you enjoy and take a look around at whether other people share your interests....because if you can't relate to your workmates then they are mere aquiantences that you compromise with rather then consider to hang around with.

Don't change your attitude towards them as they will invite you out with them on occasional but I would advise that you should do your own thing and meet people who will accept your lack of social activity if it's changed you. You should still try to socialise as much as you can but since you now suspect you have AS you should try to adapt to it and only do things you feel comfortable doing so if you think something may upset someone, think about the situation first before you continue.

Most people are in genuine pretty deceitful...they claim aspergians aren'tempathic, but they slander one another frequently.

Bearing this in mind, I think you just need to ask about things mentioned in the past and see if the covnersations go in a happy direction. That would be a good way to 'test the waters.'

The psychological viewpoint would say that perhaps meeting new people would be the best way of achieving solace in people, and they would have to be of common interest.

Maybe you can just ask your old "friends" to invite you to events...that would also show what they originally thought about you and potentially improve the relationship if they got the wrong idea.

I would recommend trying to meet new people or reconciling with the old "friends" if you think it will lead anywhere.

@Nikade, it feels like you've just jumped inside my head, grabbed those thoughts and written them down . I have felt this way for a long time now, it's a rut that I have gotten myself into and I cannot seem (don't know the way) to get out. I was diagnosed as a child but have only recently started to accept it and now I'm trying in my own little way to improve my life. Having said this I do spend an inordinate amount of my time by myself, it's got to the point now that I no longer feel as comfortable as I should around certain friends because I haven't seen them in so long. I don't even know what to say to certain friends anymore, even my closest ones, because I have the confidence and conversational skills of a spoon (unless I'm talking about something I have an interest in). The worst part about this is that I have some great friends and when I can muster up the energy to come out of my shell we have some good times. It's gotten to the point now where I feel like I'm being a bad friend because I rarely hang out with them, this makes me feel guilty which compounds my problems further. The thing is they have done nothing wrong by me, all they have done is befriend me which I am extremely grateful for, yet I struggle to return their kindness because of my AS and as with you I am concerned that I may lose friends that I do not want to because I find it hard to maintain friendships. As with other people with AS I struggle to read facial expressions, I often don't know what to say in a conversation, I find it hard to socialise and be around large groups of people and I have a big issue with trust. If you add all these things together then you end up with a person who finds it easier spending his time by himself.

The worst part about all this is that I have nobody to talk to about it. It's not so much a matter of trust, I just don't want to burden my friends with my issues as I don't feel like they deserve that from me. So yeah I know how you feel and what you are going through. Unfortunately I don't feel like I have much advice for you, sorry. I guess the best thing we can do is just try and get out more, the longer we stay in these shells the more comfortable they will become. Hope some of this helps.

See, this is an area Im really confused about. I always had the impression that true friends are people that you CAN discuss your problems with. It shouldn't feel like a burden when someone comes to you for help. If any of my friends came to me with a problem such as this, I'd be more than willing to listen and offer help. Friends are supposed to be there for you through the good and the bad. Whenever I'm going through a depression, it's extremely obvious. I can't hide it even if i try, and everyone around me knows there is something wrong, but they avoid me and/or the problem and just go about everything like it's totally normal. No one asks if i want to talk or if Im ok. They just avoid me. Thus, i avoid them.

This is part of why I don't feel I can trustt them. When it comes to serious matters like this, my friends are hardly anywhere to be found. Plus, as Sanity Theorist mentioned, most people are deceitful and I'm really starting face how true that is. Several of my friends I've caught telling little lies. Even if it's not related to me. I can't read peoples body language or hidden meanings, but I do pick up on and remember patterns of behavior. When people say one thing and do another. When they talk crap about people and then are nice to their face. It's something most people do, and even I unfortunately picked up that behavior at one point in an effort to fit in, but I felt guilty about it then and I highly dislike that kind of behavior now and try my best not to participate when it happens. I used to believe that my friends would never to that to me, but really there's no reason I shouldn't believe they are because they do it so easily to others.

I don't feel that it's an unreasonable expectation to want your friends to listen to your problems, but is that wrong? It's not as if I'm expecting them to solve my problems for me. Just be there for me the way you'd want a person to be there for you, you know?

It sounds perfectly reasonable to expect a friend to be there when you need them, and for you to be there in return when they need you. Perhaps there is someone in your life right now that is in need of a friend, in need of someone to talk to. Perhaps befriend someone you know who is in need (someone who would be a compatible friend), be that person to them that you want others to be to you and build a friendship of trust from the ground up. It may not be easy or even possible if you don't have anyone in your life that is in this situation but it's a thought.

Personally I find it difficult to ask for help because I see it as being an imposition to people, I always feel that I'm implying that my friends have nothing better to do than to listen to me and help me out. I want my friends to be happy and sitting listening to me moan isn't going to make that so, so I keep my feelings inside. I do realise that this view is not shared by everyone and it is certainly not healthy and I'm currently in the process of trying to break out of this cycle. I've started by being more open about my AS to people (if something about my quirkiness comes up in conversation not just running up to people and saying, "yo, I've got AS" ). By doing this I can see which of my friends want to know more about it and which ones don't.

Just remember this: It's not just a friend that can help you out and listen to your problems, I've never met you and I'm trying, same as the others on these forums. Don't rush to find a friend you can trust, take the time to do it right and in the mean time you have got an abundance of people on here to aid you. Actually that's a good pearl of wisdom if I do say so myself and I think I might try that out too

Wow, I feel like I could have written this myself. I thought I was doing good, but where I live, at a beach condo, the setup is such that everyone is always mingling. I did ok for a while, but as people started butting into my life, I started to rebel. I do not butt into other's life or ask them personal questions. It seems that is the norm. I talk to them about how they are doing and other things...Everyone here seems to be a click of some sort. I have had most come and say bad things about others, only to see them 10 minutes later talking as if nothing ever happened. Yet, they have literally shun me out, and constantly make me feel uncomfortable by not including me in conversations, sometimes not even being polite to say hi when I say hi. I don't know what else to do. Today is a perfect example of that. It is a holiday and everyone is walking around, talking to each other, etc...I have come out to my balcony a few times and walked around a bit, but feel completely left out of every single conversation/gathering. At this point, I just pray my husband gets home from work, because the rest of the day, I truly dread it. Not sure what to do anymore.

kinda in the same boat...except my "friends" basically told me they never liked me being around while i was tripping on DXM (cough syrup.[dissociative]) and it took me about two years on and off hanging out with them that its better to just keep a friendly relationship with them, but just stay away

and that was 3/4 years ago...i just don't go anywhere stay inside the house all day everyday (exception if i'm going to the store, which i have no problems with) i just decided to become a recluse....although very very very very slowly i'm beginning to pick my self up again....socially tho i wasted 10+ years thinking i had good friends while it was just a long lesson to stop being so trusting..and i'm not sure if i do want any friends...or if i'm even capable of making friends

goodluck

Nikadee, You just had an insight that changed the way you see things. There is a big reorganisation in your life. I see this as a positive challenge. It enables you to view your life with more understanding but I think you need time to adapt to it (it is never easy to undergo major changes).

The good thing is, you will be able to differentiate honest friendships from others. You might lose a lot of 'friends' during the process but you will keep the true ones (quality is better than quantity), the ones that accept you as you are and will stick with you no matter what.

Feel free to isolate to think. Understanding is sometimes disturbing but always leads to a happier life. I think you are doing great in the way you handle the process. Be yourself, don't pretend and the right things and the right people will come to you.

I could relate to a lot of what you said.

It hurts to realize that people you thought were your 'friends' are actually the opposite. I have a couple of 'friends' right now who are annoyed by my Aspie qualities, but also are skeptical of my attempts to finally get offically diagnosed. (They seem to just want to believe that I'm awkward and laughable, with no excuse).

Some people are just mean, and it's hard if you have to see them every day, and can't get away from them. I quit my last job, because I felt so out of place with everyone I worked with, it was just too depressing to go any more. (I know that's not helpful to you - nor is it the best solution to the problem - but I just wanted to say I understand that what you're feeling is really hard to cope with!)

Hang in there and take care of yourself. And I guess if I had any suggestion it would be to train yourself to not care what these kinds of people think of you, and focus on just being the best person you can be!