How to "Be Yourself" and fit in

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Before I begin, I want to say that this is one of the big issues affecting everyone, aspie and NT, young and old, rich and poor. A huge chunk of our media is devoted to music, movies and books all telling you to "be yourself" or asking if it is possible to be yourself and still fit in. So this post is not the be-all-end-all solution by any means, but I hope you find it helpful nonetheless.

So, let's start by asking what it means to "be yourself". In my opinion, this means choosing what hobbies, interests, people, etc. you like based on how much you ACTUALLY enjoy them. On the other hand, "Fitting in" is liking what the majority of other people like, whether you like it or not. Note that "fitting in" (for the purpose of this post) does not mean that you necessarily don't like these things, just that you may or may not.

So what do you like? If you have Asperger's Syndrome, chances are your interests may be concentrated on a very specific field. Sometimes, that field is not necessarily something that most NT people have any interest in (like advanced Quantum Physics).

Now what does mainstream society generally like? Music, movies, sports (especially if you're a guy) and fashion (especially if you're a girl). Most people will tell you you do not need to like these things to fit in. People will accept you for who you are. Well, some people will, a small minority of other people who don't consider these things important, but if you want to have a wider pool of people to make friends with, you should really check these things out. Now you may say, "But Chris, I don't like those things. It's like Broccolli, I tried it, I don't like it, I might as well give up." Well, I'm not going to play "Here comes the Choo-Choo" with music, movies and sports.

Instead, I'll tell you the middle ground that a lot of people don't think of. What if you stay interested in your specific field, but then branch out and explore some of these mainstream things? What if you actually find that some of this stuff isn't too bad, nay, that it's quite enjoyable, once you've gotten used to it? I totally advocate that you stay interested in whatever you find enjoyable right now. But you'd be remiss to write off mainstream topics as "boring NT stuff".

My advice is to either start with really mainstream stuff and work your way to a deeper understanding of whichever topic you want to explore. For instance, in middle school, music didn't interest me at all. However, my freshmen year of high school, I started listening to Green Day and Blink-182. Then from there, I moved on to more classic rock stuff, like the Beatles and Led Zeppelin. Then, once I'd come to love that, I started listening for sounds I liked and tried to find more artists who were doing similar things. By the time I entered college, I had developed a pretty complicated taste in music. Whenever it came up in conversation, I was able to talk about it in a relevant way, and this helped me make a lot of friends.

The other option is to start with something that is similar to your interest. Let's say you're really into computers, there are a glut of sci-fi/hacker related movies about computing. Then, look up other things that director has done that aren't computing related, maybe there's something about their style that you really like, etc. Suddenly, you find yourself branching into genres you never thought you would've liked a year or even a few months ago!

Three more things before I hit the sack. First of all, CHALLENGE YOURSELF. I cannot say this enough. Think about it like this, if you go see a movie that you're not sure you'll like, what's the worst that could happen? You'll be bored. And the best that could happen? It's an awesome movie that you never saw coming (this happens to me ALL THE TIME). Second, have patience. Don't try to be an expert in something overnight. Instead, try doing a bit of exploring on a regular basis. Try watching one movie per week, or one baseball game per week, or subscribe to a music blog and check it every couple days. If you do this, I guarantee that you'll find yourself much more fulfilled within a couple months, if not a week.

Finally, I've seen the "I'm a rebel, I outright reject mainstream society" card do more harm than good. If you've read this article and feel that you have an innate need to "resist the mainstream", go ahead. But just know that you're cutting yourself off from a world of people who, as James Murphy so adequately put "are actually really nice!"

I know this post is pretty rough, it's definitely not the most politically correct thing I've ever written. But I hope you find it helpful all the same. Sweet dreams,
~Chris

My mum spent my entire childhood telling me to 'be myself and everyone will like you'. I really think it's complete rubbish. Nobody likes me when I'm being myself, least of all my mother.

But after I spent a while doing drama lessons I was able to treat going out with 'my girls' as an acting exercise, or a study in the anthropology of female peer groups. Going out with my Spanish friends is an exercise in improving my language skills. It helps me to challenge myself if I think of it as an intellectual exercise rather than a social occasion. It also helps me concentrate on people's reactions to me without getting so stressed. I think you're right that a lot of us need to push ourselves out to NTs even though it's always going to be frustrating. Deciding to be an outcast is the way to get arrogant.

I just be myself, and if people don't like it, they don't have to look at me. I'm on this planet, to make myself happy. I've used the middle ground for years, in high school. I kept telling my teachers that I wanted to do my own thing, after I'd graduate from high school. I'm doing my own thing, now. The way that I go about it, is that of course I'm going to listen to, and dress like The Kinks. The way that I go about it, is that I listen to what people have to say about today's celebrities,k and memorize the knowledge. When I'm with a different group of people, I'm able to tell them, "Lady Gaga did this." or "Chris Brown did that." I know what I have to do, and in the NT Realm, I fake it, to make it.

i would need to be "fitted out" before i could "fit in".

If I was being myself, I would be daydreaming all day and nothing would get done.

There seems to be a mixed message with the "be yourself" thing. I think the real general message is "be yourself but don't be too different".

Anyways, you do offer some good advice about trying to step out of your comfort zone. I try to learn a little about everything. This is important to relate to other people. It also opens yourself to new interests.

My mom also told me to always be myself.
But sadly enough the 'yourself' thing is partly a lie.

People always adjust to other people to fit in. Even when you try not to, you still use different words when around different people.

Example:
When I talk to my grandma, I would never behave like a goof, I would act quite calm and don't drink too many alcohol.
When I talk to my friends, I might act totally different, be more active, make different jokes, drink more beer etc.

An aspie friend of mine seems to be more 'one person' than me. And although in some situations that's really odd, I think it's quite cool.
Nevertheless he still adjusts with other people, just not as much as me.

I don't have the capacity to be anything other than what I am, and generally, most people seem to like me just fine, if they bother to get to know me.

The only people who consistently dislike me are :

A) Bossy Alpha types frustrated by the fact that I don't immediately fall into line when they snap their fingers, and

B) Socially paranoid people who take my initial quietness as some sort of hostility or snobbery.


Oh, and of course there are those who are simply intimidated by my intelligence.

Indeed, I don't think I ever was anyone but myself.

As for fitting in, after years and years of trying I figured it simply isn't worth the time or energy since it will inevitably end this way or the other, usually before it even started. There will be one or two people that will except you for who you are (if you're lucky) but other than that if it takes too much role playing and pretending then it's not worth the bother, IMO.

I just can't see the point in engaging in conversation simply for the sake of engaging in conversation, as if it's some sort of social gymnastics, well except for getting a job, but to each his own.

Seeing as this is written in the Social Skills and Making Friends forum, this is for people who desire acceptance.
So this probably is not for me.
I have posted somewhere else that I may have some sort of xenophobia, which inhibits me from trying new things.
I also very much dislike insects.
I like their complex systems very much and adore them, but from a distance.
I like how they seem more mechanical than organic.
I used to get some severe panic attacks when I saw them and at some time could not go to the toilet because the fear of them was too overwhelming.
I like people sometimes, but I could not care less for fitting in.
My sister, however is quite my opposite.
She could only be more opposite of me if she was a sociopath which she is not because she is nice to her friends and does not manipulate them for her personal gain.
It also saddens me very much that the people with whom I relate the most of all groups, autistics do need to fit in.
I have rejected social behaviour for as long as I can remember.
I do not mind people themselves at all, but I do not care to reveal their thoughts.
It is too different from me and I cannot understand it.
My xenophobia is not social in any way.
It is fear of anything and everything that is unknown and too different from what is known.
I have had this much worse.
But I am still a predominately happy boy.
I also have a certain like for words but I digress.

I like people who are very much like me or like what I want to be.
And I do not mind not having friends.
It is okay with me.

i never seen anything i want to fit in