Too Nice

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I could be accused at times of being too accomodating and or too kind, to avoid confrontation with another person. I find being helpful and passive covers up for the fact I don't know whats going on in a friendship and can't deal with it. But I just loathe being a walkover but don't know how to communicate effectively so I get trampled every time!

I think I have the same problem.

What's a 'walkover'?

I've had the same problem. I'm also too naive at believing people will do the right thing. However, I have started to learn that in business it's different. I had to take over the family business, and although I'm good with the number and mechanics of the business, it's dealing with owners of other businesses that I have difficulty with. My step father has helped to guide me (he has Parkinsin's) and knows the business inside and out especially with dealing with customers. He could sell ice to the eskimos and they would believe that got a good deal. Some of this has helped me dealing with personal relationships.

-Scott

Oh, I know where you're coming from Fresco. Over the weekend, one of my friends came over to spend the night like he ussually does and get this, he wouldn't let me on the computer all night T.T

I mean, I know most people think they can live without the computer but I have a very difficult time staying off. Now I know that I could of stayed off but what made it horrible was that he stayed on it and ignored me through the entire overnight from 7 P.M. to 10 A.M. He stayed on the computer and I just let him. I gave subtle signs that I didn't want him on the computer but he didn't pick up on them. I tried being assertive once, just once, and he didn't listen. Least to say, I feel like I could have been more assertive. I don't know why he kept me off the computer, he knows how much it means to me.

Of course, I hope I got my meassage across by stealing it the moment he got off. He was upset about it and saddly, he doesn't deserve my friendship if he just sat there and watched my suffer like that. Least to say, I should have been alot more assertive.

Least to say, the computer is one of my obsessions.

Yes I'm not too assertive, I also had a habit of giving people things or doing them constant favours just so everything stayed on an even keel. This is not wise as I learned, people take advantage.

do you smile too much and laugh at everything?

I don't tend to laugh at everything, my next door neighbour does that!
"you're pet died"
guffaw guffaw "sorry"she says laughing. I think its a nervous thing.
I suppose I smile a lot.

people who smile a lot scare me. i relate them with ax murderers or something. if you want people to take you seriously then try taking yourself seriously.

Just because someone smiles at everything doesn't make them an axe-murderer. I can be a doormat myself and it's to avoid confrontation (people looking at you, all intensely, loud voices, all my pretty words flying out the window... now THAT scares me)

There are days where I just smile and nod, smile and nod, repeat ad nauseum... this is usually an indication that I'm "not there" and I don't usually talk much on such days.

Essencially, to me, being "too nice" is my defence mechanism for when I need to shut everything out; I don't want confrontation, I don't want to be noticed, I don't want conversation...

of course, i know that someone who smiles alot isn't an axe murderer. they just remind me of an axe murderer.

I figured as much

However I do wish I had the balls to say "Leave me alone." in the serious way that I mean it inside instead of blankly staring and smiling and nodding... I just know that I'll be faced with some kind of confrontational behavior or questioning...

Perhaps, if others who feel like "doormats" sometimes do this to themselves for the same reason I do, we need to learn techniques to handle confrontation...?

i'm finally learning how to not let people walk all over me but this has been a problem most of my life. i'm just too nice, sometimes. i think this is why i'm so socially akward, and dont have any friends anymore. because it seems like theres only too kinds of people in the world, the abuser and the abused. i dont know how else to put it, i dont mean physically abused but taking atvantage of someone. i know theres people here who know what im talking about. i think you just have to find those real people who want you as a friend, and in return you can be a great friend to them. problem is there few and far between

I know what you mean. I think with some people if they think they can take advantage of someone they will.

I'm not an assertive person but in college there is someone I know who is really clingy and always seems to want me to do things with her, she usually asks something like 'Can you come to the shops because I want to get a drink?' and if I dont want to I'll just say 'no I dont want to' or 'no, I'm going to lesson.' she probably thinks I'm a bad person because of this and not a very good friend but I dont want to be friends with her but I can't seem to tell her that.

I do try to avoid confrontation with people who I dont know that well because I will usually get taken advantage of, this leads to me being too nice.

For example there is a girl in my English class who will only sit next to me if she wants something. The other day she asked if I had a book that I used for last years course because she needs it this year. To be nice I said I'de look at home to see if I still had it. The next day she completely ignored me. I really didn't mind because I dont want her sitting next to me it's just I dont understand why someone would be nice to someone just for the pure reason of getting something in return. If I give her the book she will not talk to me again until she wants something else. I'de rather she didn't talk to me at all.

I hate people who do that, they take advantage of you just because you happen to be a nice human being(most of the time).
When someone asks me to do something i'll ask why, if i see a point to it, i'll do it, that or i stare at them while i think. Unfortunately, this can come across as aggressive, so i wouldn't advise it in all cases.
If it's someone i know or like i'll usually accomadate them if i see the point, if it is someone else i usually won't unless i see no harm in it.
What really annoys me are the popel who deliberately take advantage of you, they're as bad as the ones who say things that are untrue as they know you have trouble telling whether or not they're lying, then they call you gullible, despite the fact that they deliberately set out to deceive you. Anywya, off topic.
Just remeber that saying no doesn't hurt, after all, you're not obligated to do something for them.

Actually on reflection I don't smile that much. In fact I look a fairly miserable git, I often fall prey to bloke syndrome:
"cheer up darlin it might never appen"
At least that nudges me out of the axe murderer catergory, I'm more of a butter-knife murderer.