teasing and sensitivity

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I was the subject of teasing this morning. I spoke with the individual after the incident. He claimed I was being too sensitive. When I suggested that he already knows that I'm sensitive and asked why he continues to tease me when he knows this about me, he claimed that I shouldn't try to fit everyone in the world into a mold of what's comfortable for me. I feel that because he knows I do not like being teased, he should respect the fact that I don't like it and make an effort to stop doing it. I feel that people who use teasing are trying to say things that they don't have the courage to say otherwise, which means I feel there is a bit of truth in every comment made that is covered up as teasing or a joke. He claims that even though he teases me, if there are any situations that arise where I need his assistance, he will be the first to help me. It makes no sense to me that because he would be willing to help me in a situation that teasing is the price I pay to get that benefit. (Yes, I explained all this to him too.) With his statement of "If you ever needed help, I would help you." he also mentioned that he feels we are friends. I feel I am respectful of him, his personal space, and the topics he likes to talk about. I am not getting reciprocation of this same respect I'm showing him, so I do not feel a friendship bond with him.

So now that the background is set; I ask anyone who wants to respond:

Was it impolite of me to ask him to stop teasing me?

Does anyone else feel there is a bit of truth in teasing?

How should I handle someone who feels that I'm trying to change them by asking them to respect me enough to not upset me on purpose?

Has anyone else been repeatedly told they are oversensitive and to be more thick skinned? (Which I took as him trying to change me, much like he says I'm trying to change him.)

What situations have you been in where you were the subject of teasing and standing up for yourself made things worse?

Are my expectations too high because I follow the rule of "treat others how you want to be treated" and many people don't?

Was it impolite of me to ask him to stop teasing me?
Absolutely not. Naive? Yes, a little...

Does anyone else feel there is a bit of truth in teasing?
Oh, absolutely! I feel you were dead-on when you said:

How should I handle someone who feels that I'm trying to change them by asking them to respect me enough to not upset me on purpose?
I'm still struggling with this one, so I'm in no position to offer advice!

Has anyone else been repeatedly told they are oversensitive and to be more thick skinned? (Which I took as him trying to change me, much like he says I'm trying to change him.)
Yes as a child / teenager, but I feel I've gotten better into my 20's...

What situations have you been in where you were the subject of teasing and standing up for yourself made things worse?
Situations exactly as you've described above - a "friend" teases you, you're not in the mood for it... try to explain you don't liek it or can't take it at the moment, and this seems to just egg them on! I've never understood it myself...

Are my expectations too high because I follow the rule of "treat others how you want to be treated" and many people don't?
Even if your expectations are higher than most peoples', you should definately stick to them (while keeping in mind taht some poeple are absolute f***heads).

Follow the LaVey Satanist philosohpy "Treat others the way they treat you."

We set sail upon the shark-infested waters of debate here, my friends.

Men are very proud and easily offended. To counter this, we have evolved conversational techniques which offer criticism wrapped in self-depreciation, explanitions of flambouyant rhetoric, and pomposity pricked by irony.

Wow... very eloquently put, SH.

Guys tease each other. Something to do with the bonding process, he might actually be teasing you for the simple reason that he feels comfortable with you. Sometimes light teasing is a sign of acceptance.

I'm a lady.

If you are affected by teasing, and confront the teasers, they will say it is you who has the problem. After all, if it weren't for that, they wouldn't be teasing you.

Certainly not. However, it was ineffective, as it reinforced the teasers knowledge that his teasing is "working."



In a school setting, there is probably little to no shred of truth in the content of what someone who teases you says.

However, the underlying fact, the basic "bit of truth," so to speak, in teasing, is that those who are teasing do so because you are fulfilling some need of the group or individual who is teasing you. Their need, most likely, is to make themselves feel better about themselves. By getting teased, you make other people feel better. Sounds kind of unfair, doesn't it? Of course, you already knew that.



Show no weakness in the face of his or her teasing. More than likely, this will mean simply ignoring the person or persons involved.



Yes. But I'd like to comment on the person's words that you are 'oversensitive' and '[need] to be more thick skinned'. Basically what this person means when he says this is the same as what he meant when he was teasing you, except that now he is defining it in more precise words. Just because he is using more precise words doesn't mean it is true. What surprises me is that you seem willing to take the advice of this individual so easily. If he is teasing you, why listen to him at all with serious ears? I would take everything he says with a grain of salt.

I'd also like to comment on that the person says he is trying to change him. You see, he knows what he is doing is wrong. Teasing you is wrong. For the same reason he teases you, he criticizes you for 'trying to change' him. It makes him feel better. He cannot stand to be exposed in his bad behavior teasing.



Yes.



Yes. You are in elementary/junior high/high school I assume, and there, that rule is not followed. You can still follow that rule, but you must understand that to expect others to follow that rule is not a realistic expectation to make. This will become less so as you grow older.

I am 32.

You're 32. In that case, make sure that the teasing is not playful teasing that you have misinterpreted. The way to find out whether the teasing is playful or not might be to ask someone else besides the person who is teasing you. Differnent cultures also place different emphasis on what is an appropriate level of teasing. People of Indian descent will tease each other, but they don't worry about it. If you do not think it is playful teasing, then it becomes a workplace issue, and you might be working with a narcissistic individual who never escaped his life as a childhood bully. What I said in my previous post probably does still apply if the teasing is neither playful and nor within some kind of cultural norm.

As some people, myself included, have problems showing or expressing their feelings, they will often resort teasing as a way to show affection and friendship.
This teasing is not meant to be hurtful but is merely to show that two people involved are comfortable enough with each other that they feel they can teasing without someone being hurt. In your example it seems this is not the case.
It was not wrong of you to speak with this person as the matter is clearly bothering you.
However, as this person said that they felt that the two of you are friends and that, if you ever needed it, they would help you. So perhaps couldn't it be that this person was speaking the truth and that they feel comfortable enough with you that they can tease. If this is, indeed, the case, then mightn't it be that this person accused you of being oversensitive as a reaction.
They thought they were being friendly and yet you disagreed, many people will use attack as a defence, especially if they do not understand what they did wrong.
I beleive that yes, on some occasions teasing can be used to hurt a person by displaying one of their characteristics in anegative light, yet it can also be used between two people to show friendship or like.
One of the hardest things is trying to tell when people are being serious or not especially with AS etc, on many occasions i have reacted negatively to what was meant as friendly teasing.
One of the problems with treating others as you want to be treated and vice versa, is that everyone has different ideas and expectations on what is considered friendly and respectable behaviour.
I suggets that you speak to this person again, and instead of assuming that this person knows that teasing upsets you (as it seems they don't) explain that you feel uncomfortable with their teasing as you have trouble differentiating between teasing that is playful and friendly, and serious and deliberately hurtful teasing.
You could suggest that they desist or give you a clue when they are joking, ie by winking, or saying a particular phrase.

As long as teasing isn't done in a mean way, there's nothing wrong with it. Even I tease people sometimes (mostly just family members though).

Mikka - I get the same treatment all the time. It makes me feel horrible about myself and very angry when the teaser won't stop, no matter how many times I ask them to STOP. Or at least stop teasing so much, or about a subject that really hurts me. In my opinion, its just plain wrong for people to do this type of thing, over and over when it disturbs the subject of their teasing. I'm certainly guilty of ribbing people at times, to express my feelings towards them without coming out and saying exactly what I mean. BUT, some people go overboard and refuse to stop, I hope to he$$ I've never done this to anyone; its so frustrating. I have this problem with my brother, as one example, and its like I have to A- cut him out of my life completely to get him to stop, or B- put up with it, because I care about him and want a relationship with him. Both options suck, and I can't seem to make him see my side at all. We basically have a phone relationship, and the teasing goes on from the time I pick up the phone until I hang up. I can't control the subject matter, so I can't aviod him teasing me, and as its on the phone, I don't have many options on how I deal with his teasing. I just don't know what to do...........but you're not alone with this problem, anyway.

Today has been much better for me. I've spoken to the person on business related subjects only and no teasing has occurred. I've been respected! Yay!!