Board index › Coping in life › Social Skills and Making Friends

I always forget to make small talk

Page 1 of 1 [ 3 posts ] 

Previous topic | Next topic

invisibubble
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 15 Mar 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 85
Location: Australia

21 May 2012, 7:21 am

When I get into the start of a conversation with someone I always forget to make small talk. When the other person tries to make small talk I don't realise what they're doing and inadvertently shut them down. For example, if someone says "how was your weekend?" I say "okay" and don't realise that's my cue to ask them the same question. I often realise later what I should have done. Today in class the girl next to me asked that question and I answered like that. Later a guy sat down next to her on the other side and she asked the same question and it eventually lead into a full conversation, discussing their classes, friending each other on facebook and discussing the friends they turned out to have in common on facebook. Hearing all that just made it really obvious to me how badly I'd failed.

I have two problems - 1 is that I forget that I should make small talk and the other is that when someone else tries to start small talk I don't realise what they're doing.

I'm after any tips to try to jog my mind about small talk when I first see people.



Senath
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 16 May 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 357

21 May 2012, 7:54 am

invisibubble wrote:
When I get into the start of a conversation with someone I always forget to make small talk. When the other person tries to make small talk I don't realise what they're doing and inadvertently shut them down. For example, if someone says "how was your weekend?" I say "okay" and don't realise that's my cue to ask them the same question. I often realise later what I should have done. Today in class the girl next to me asked that question and I answered like that. Later a guy sat down next to her on the other side and she asked the same question and it eventually lead into a full conversation, discussing their classes, friending each other on facebook and discussing the friends they turned out to have in common on facebook. Hearing all that just made it really obvious to me how badly I'd failed.

I have two problems - 1 is that I forget that I should make small talk and the other is that when someone else tries to start small talk I don't realise what they're doing.

I'm after any tips to try to jog my mind about small talk when I first see people.


I have the problem where people ask how my weekend was and I actually tell them. I think protocol is usually to just give a quick answer like, "good" and then come back with an immediate "how was yours?". Sometimes I take the question to literally and just start in on my weekend and forget to include them. Of course, I could say something like "Oh, great, the weather was beautiful this weekend, wasn't it? did you do anything outside?" but it takes me a few moments to come up with that, and they need an answer pretty soon after asking the question. Maybe writing down topics to talk about and to ask people every day or week would help. That way you could also eliminate any socially awkward topics you come up with by going over the list with a close friend or family member. That seems like so much work though!



NicoleG
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 25 Dec 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 667
Location: Texas

25 May 2012, 11:11 pm

I forced myself to start practicing this with the ladies (and now there's also a male teller) at the bank that I have to go to almost daily for work.

I remind myself when I'm going into an area where there are people to find something interesting about them. One teller just started randomly talking about working in her garden over the weekend, so I wondered in my mind what kind of questions I could ask to find out more, not because I was interested in gardening, but because I was practicing at finding her interesting.

There's also a lot of typical questions people ask, like:
"Do you have any plans for the weekend?" - can be asked on Friday
"How was your weekend?" - can be asked on Monday, and sometimes as late as Tuesday if you didn't see the person on Monday
"Are you planning anything special with your family for the holidays?"
"How has your day been going?"
etc.

When someone asks me one of these questions, I tend to be talkative enough without trying, because I like being outgoing, but when it comes to initiating small talk, I had to make a conscious effort and decide ahead of time, before ever walking into the bank, that I would try and ask at least one good question that helped me learn more about at least one person, even if all I learned was about their plans for the weekend which I otherwise didn't really care about. That, to me, is a good definition of an acquaintance - someone with whom you can have a pleasant conversation about something that is not really of any great consequence.