Is it only me?

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When i start interacting with people i initially start trying to do things they want to do. I listen to what they talk about, discuss a bit of what they talk, but as time goes by i start getting tired of the topics as i really dont like them. Then i start avoid those people. I know i might be confusing them by doing so, but i just cant keep with the flow. Then they fade off.

I eitherways dont play a great role in anyones life. For all of these people i am just someone who they stick to as they dont have a choice. So me leaving is of no consequence. But i still wonder if there will ever be a time when i get tired of maintaining the upkeep of the relationship the opposite person will take the step ahead.

Yep. Bullseye.

Sure happens to me, and I am sure many others here.

I usually have no problem joining in on light conversation on various topics in a group for a short time, but usually after a short time the two most dominant people in the conversation will drift into a different topic which I really know nothing about and then they talk passionately about it for the rest of the day ; completely oblivious to the fact that I cannot follow them anymore.

I thought it was myself being the odd one.
Nope, I think many NT chatterboxes are selfish a-holes when it comes to balanced conversation or giving any thought to how other people perceive them or can follow their own conversation.

Wait a minute, isn't talking endlessly about a narrow subject, without picking up cues on whether the others are bored, a trait of aspergers syndrome ?

hmmm, everyone must have AS then ; apart from me (or so it seems sometimes).

Same thought i always have. Am i weird or is everybody else weird.

But to add on. Do you also have the same sort of experience where you have people who only seem to want to be with you if you do things "their" way. The moment you stop maintaining the upkeep of being with them, they move on or behave as if you are being selfish.

E.g. my flatmate wants me to entertain her by accompanying her to places where she wants to go. She also wants to talk about her stuff only, the moment i talk about something that is of interest to me, she goes away. To be honest i am least interested in any of the things she talks about, i only used to respond to her as i initially thought she would be a friend (i am obviously on my almost life long struggle of making friends). Even with going places with her, i have explained that i have no money to do that, but she still keeps on pushing me. The weirdest part was that knowing how tight my budget is she has created atleast 2 occasions when she has borrowed money from me and not returned it. Both the times it was on one of these outings.

So now i wonder if i am wrong in getting tired of her or what?

im the same. you cant really get along on a friendship level with somebody who you arent interested in. only NT's do that

Oh, heck yeah. Your story could be mine. Actually I see it all as quite reasonable. After all, you try on clothes to see if they fit. We try on people to see if they fit, and if they don't, they don't and there's an end of it. At least we're honest about it.

That completely limits my chances of being with people. Other than my brother and sometimes my sister in law, no one really likes to talk about stuff that i like to talk about. My interests are related to my work. So I tried making friends at my work but they dont want to talk about work. I tried getting into academic field and they dont like controversies! If i talk about stuff people say "you are so passionate", but nothing after that. I really think that this whole "making friends" piece is a pain.



Makes sense. I guess i should not be too upset with myself if things dont work out. I just feel like when i go to buy jeans. If i look at other shops, i never find anything, but if i look at levis i get something that fits immediately. Here most people is like normal shops and levis is like AS forums. Like i am happy sticking to levis, i would be happy with sticking to forums but then there are not friends in real life. There is no sense of belonging in reality. There is no hope for companionship in the future.

My NT sister insists on one phone call a week and we also Email. She always talks about her stuff. Since i have speech problems anyway whereas she's a chatterbox i barely ever come to say a word. All i have to do is listening to her complaints and wailing.

In the Emails she skips my topics and only writes about her stuff, but in great length. Once i've mailed her a question (on a particular book) three times, in three different mails, in bold huge letters and highlighted background but she simply ignored my question, so i finally gave up.

With former friends or co--workers, most of them were only rambling about their personal stuff, i.e., relationships, family life, food, or telling any stories from their past and even if you already know this story they keep telling it all over again. Then, if i broach a topic (and i definitely prefer topics over personal stuff,) they ignore it.

No idea why this is so. Perhaps i'm just suitable as wailing wall or without me their only remaining option would be a soliloquy.

It seems there's a lot of focuse on the NT's participation in the conversation. What does those with AS bring to these interactions? Or what would an NT have to do/say/talk about to have a good conversation with you?

I like to talk about biology, psychology, evolution and anthropology. But all of these topics, i dont like to discuss on a superficial level and i like to question, which is where the difference come. Most non work related people are not interested in any of these topics or seem to be satisfied with popular information related to science. In past when my colleague were involved, i thought i had a better chance of being friends as they had knowledge of atleast some on the topics that i was interested in, but i failed as they felt i did not talk about anything other than work.

I'm a little unclear about this. Could you answer these questions, please?


1) Would you only be happy discussing these topics which you are interested in?

2) With my Asperger's acquaintances, should I just ask them what their interests are and assume that's what I should talk with them about to make them comfortable/happy?

3) If were to entertain you with witty observations about life and other occurences, would this be cool for you?

4) As the NT, is the onus on me to propel the conversation with the AS if the topics are outside of their interests?

Thank you very much for taking the time to reply.

I am genuinely happy if i am discussing or talking about things i like. I can now force myself to listen to stuff that has no interest to me, like movies, serials or meaningless gossip about people, but then i start to feel myself draining and disconnected from that person.



I dont know about that. When i worked as a therapist with kids on the spectrum, i used to tell them what the purpose of the meeting was and otherwise i was fine with what they wanted to talk. Mostly, i never had problems as they were interested in similar stuff that i am interested in. My brother is the only person i enjoy talk to. He is interested in physics, computers and math, so even though it is not of direct interest to me, i still can engage as i like him and he typically makes an effort to understand my world and thoughts. Even if he talks about movies or serials, he knows i am not interested, so he will tell me the story. I may not always be interested but i am fine as i like him and i know he also listens to me. It is not a one way street. Also he does not talk about stuff that makes no sense to me, like emotions or completely illogical conclusions. More his head makes sense to me, it does not seem extremely different from me.



I dont know what these are. Can you give me example of it.



I really cant tell you about this. With me if the topic is out of my area of interest, i start zoning out. The more i zone out, the more i loose it. I am sure others will have a different take on this. I have always had a tough time with staying in touch with conversations that dont make sense to me. I am at my best now, as i max go quiet.

To be fair, i have had rare instances where i have felt connected to a person outside my home nor do people actually stay with me. I have always been told that i talk about boring things or i am too serious. So i cant really tell you what a person should do with me. I think that would be best answered by my brother, who managed to guide my sister in law to talk to me. She is the only other person that i enjoy talking to. We dont talk as much as my brother and me, but we do more than anyone else i know.

I have always had problems keeping conversations going with NTs - and its because they just do not have any interests in the subjects that I consider worth talking about --- and I do have a fairly long list of subjects --

History - everything from recent to prehistory times
Science - astronomy - physics - chemistry even things like sociology and psychiatry
Computers & networks - Windows, Linux, OS10 - Cell phones -
Autos - and how they work (not which cars are cool or hot)
Politics - Finance
Mathematics
Great books and a few great movies.
I can tolerate and even enjoy most subjects that one can apply logic to and may actually still have some meaning attached to them in say 10 years.

With few exceptions NTs want to talk about things - like why sue is not talking to Joe or why Bill hates Mat or even worse - why XYZ basket ball team is oh so much better that ZYX team, or yet even worse why "those people" are such bad people to be around. If you are really lucky you might get someone who wants to talk about something almost useful - like maybe where they want to take their next vacation or some movie they want to go see.

So more and more I seek out my kind (Aspies and Geeks) This does not mean that I will automaticly
like all Aspies and geeks - it means that there is a much better chance that I will not get board when being around them for a longer while. Even if our interests differ greatly - Aspies have had to learn to come to agreements like - I will talk about your interests as long as we also talk about my interest. I have also found that one does not have to resort weird non-verbal cues to change the subject - most Aspies once in the fold will accept nice Verbal cues - like "let change subjects for a while". Nearly all Aspies will not assume that just because I am not looking them in the eye that I am not listening. and on and on!

In reality NTs say that we have "limited fields of interest" because - we have different interests than theirs - they assume that we are at fault when communication fails. It takes two to tango - why is it all our fault why are we the only ones that must move out of our comfort zone and make all the effort to make the connection. If indeed they are so good and human interactions and figuring out such tasks, It should be easy for them to calculate and make the changes to meet us just halfway!! !! !!

What we have here is the pot calling the kettle black. In all reality NTs are no better in communication and human interactions than we are - there is just more of them so they think that their rules are the only ones that are valid.

Thank you for saving me a ton of typing.

Thanks for your input, Siddhi. You have given me some good points to ponder.

Thanks everybody for replying.
To BMctav: I am not sure how i helped, but you are welcome.
To MarthaCannary and MrPickles:

I absolutely agree with what both of you said. I think the reason why i worry is that i seem to be heading nowhere. I am putting efforts but there are no returns. So i am not sure why i am supposed to continue making efforts. Not making efforts though is impossible as i have to interact with the so called "NT's" at work atleast so i cant ignore them completely. Also i dont want to be alone all of my life, but i still dont get what is so much fun about being with people. So in a way i am boxed in without a way out.

I dont know if i am making sense.