Should I just say I have Asperger's First thing?

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First semester of attending a 4 year college is done and by far it is the worst social experience I've ever had in a long time. So I don't like to mention to people that I have Asperger's and all the little problems that developed because of it (OCD, Depression, Social Anxiety Disorder, Delusions, and Thought Disorder) since for one thing I hate having to constantly explain what it is to people and/or they don't remember the symptoms and will still eventually write me off as creepy, weird, rude, mean, immature, and the like whenever I make a social mistake. Plus there is a stigma attached to, not entirely Asperger's but all the other stuff listed, if I just said I had Asperger's then I would imagine the reaction wouldn't be too severe in most cases, but all the other things tagged on would make me look like I escaped an institution.

The big problem that effected me the most comes from towards the end of the semester (long story time). there is a girl I was friends with who was in my printmaking class. I was currently bored out of my mind and didn't like some of the people I was hanging with at my current lunch table so I ask on fb if I can hang with her crew since they all seem to be a pretty cool bunch of people and she says I should. I felt like I was making progress and I was happy that I could finally be making more friends. So the lunch table is made up of five girls and another guy, they're all friendly and actually talked about things I knew about and the discussions weren't boring. So later that day I go and add them all on facebook since I feel better talking online. All but one accept my friend request that day, I talk to two of them, they're cool and stuff and we all talked about how much the exams sucked etc. I did tell one of them that I had social anxiety disorder and apparently so did she, we related and all was good. Then the one that initially invited me to the table makes a post on her wall pretty much saying "I wonder what the stalker is up to? he's currently creepin on my friends, I wonder if he's stalking me right now?" I didn't pay much attention to this since I was in a good mood that day.

The next day I get on facebook and find that the person that invited me to the table de-friended me, me still being oblivious thinks this is some mistake or that facebook was acting up and messaged her to tell her that she de-friended me. Later that day I start to get a bit concerned, none of them were talking to me on facebook anymore when I messaged them in chat and then the only one that replies back is the one I told I had social anxiety to. She said that the person that de-friended me was told to do so by her fiance who is overprotective but that I was welcome to sit at the table again with them if I wanted. I thought this was just a case of someone overreacting. But then I started to put the pieces together and realized that the post she made about a stalker was most likely referring to me. I asked the girl that was still talking to me about that and she revealed that all of them thought I was hitting on them/stalking since I just randomly decide to sit at their lunch table one day and that me adding them to facebook, she apparently believed this too since she followed by telling me that they're all taken. I explain myself and that I would never do this to girls and asked how I was supposed to hang with them if that one girl's boyfriend didn't want me around her and she had no answer. Shee xplained that the reason she was still talking to me was because we both have social anxiety and that she felt the need to help me at least attempt to fit in. said that this was just a mistake and not to worry about it since the year was pretty much over with and to try again next semester. I then made a big mistake, she asked if I was sure I didn't like any of them, I told her that one of the girls at the table I have an iota of feelings for but due to my luck with dating and being social in general that I would rather not take the risk.

By now I was depressed and paranoid, and confused. The next day I find out that she told the girl that I kinda liked that I liked her which was met by disgust from that girl. I was angry now, I felt betrayed, I messaged her telling the girl that was still talking to me to stop the bullying, stop trying to murder what little reputation I did have and to tell her friends to stop, that they were being a bunch of sadists. She basically told me that her friends would never do that and that I basically did this all to myself and made this reputation for myself. That and she took offense to me calling her friends sadists, was pissing her off and to never to talk to her again, she then de-friended me.

So I go for a long walk around campus, I'm shaken and confused, depressed and then I meet the only other guy that sat at the table with those girls. We get to talking and he explains that he was a lot like me at one point in the past (he also has asperger's) and gave me some great advice on how to handle everything and that it took a little while for the girls/his friends to get used to new people and that I should hang out with them and they'll warm up to me eventually. I then explained to him that the only person I was still in contact with I had just angered about an hour before and was met with an "oh....". He suggested I apologize later on but for the time being just forget about it, don't let it bother me, move on and apologize when the time is right and it is no longer bothering me.

So after this long winded story, I ask, would it have been better if I had just told them all everything that was wrong with me and that I wasn't there to hit on anyone or stalk anybody? That I was just there to make friends? Is it possible to salvage any sort of friendship from these people or at least get it to where they don't think I'm a Ted Bundy in waiting? What do I do next semester and how do I go about this? All friends I did have at this college graduated this semester, next semester I'm going to be entering with no friends, and a group of people that hate me. Is there anything I can do?

Edit: No idea if this belongs in the school forum, this forum, or the relationship forum. Since it covers all three things.

i myself try to prevent mentioning my diagnosis, since there is still a lot of stigma about autism/aspergers.
however, as soon as i seem to be ignored in a group i'm in, i try to explain that i'm bad at social cues, apologise for the mistake i might have made, and ask the group to point it out to me if i'm doing something 'wrong' socially, promising not to get angry for that.

usually, that works, and if someone knows about autism, they will recognise it from that description.

I would say that you should avoid the group of people as they may deduct from your studies and general learning experience, realize that you are at university to get an education and that's your main priority.

Try to meet a group that is more open to guys, the other group sounded very close knitted and didn't seem to be open towards letting new members in. Try playing sports around the campus or engaging in them, that can be a good way to befriend people?

NO. Never tell people you have AS unless they are really close to you or get to know you well.

I think as soon as Asperger's is affecting your relationship in a negative way it's better to just say it. It makes the difference between "this guy is weird" and "this guy doesn't always really understand how we perceive him and needs us to tell him directly". There are so many unwritten rules in socializing. Pretending you don't have Aspergers won't change the fact that you have it, people will notice something is different about you whether you give them a name for it or not. I think they're more likely to be understanding if they understand that it is a syndrome which is not your fault. I'm not saying it should be the first thing you say when you meet people, but once you're having difficulties in a relationship mentioning why will either be helpful, or do nothing. If someone is going to judge you for saying you have Asperger's, they're going to judge you whether you say it or not. It doesn't go away just because you don't give it a name.

Financial info, personal ID info, and medical info--including about your disorder, should be kept on a need-to-know basis. These people don't need to know about your disorder. Izzeme is right, just tell them you have trouble with social cues, so you sometimes misunderstand what is said or even what is communicated non verbally, so they should please just tell you if you are not getting something, or if they feel you have misspoken in some way.

Unfortunately NTs, being herd animals, tend to reject those who are not. Setting yourself apart by mentioning your disorder will cause problems for you. Also, most NTs don't know anything about ASDs and of the few who do, most are mistaken in what they know and believe about ASDs.

I do agree with Wolfheart. You should look into campus sports, guy groups, and campus clubs dealing with stuff you are interested in, for socializing.

Saw this and joined so I could reply - hello all! (recently diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome myself)

Let me explain where this went wrong. The main thing which did for you was that you went from not interacting with that group (background) -> interacting with them in an "involved" way in a short space of time which set off a load of red flags with the girls particularly - when coupled with the fact they knew you as being socially awkward beforehand .

Unfortunately how you came across to them in the past does feed in to their anxieties. They needed more time (and more interactions) to decide that you were OK ("safe") to be friends with (apart from the one with social anxiety) - and that you didn't perhaps didn't pick up on that led them to believe you had ulterior motives. Especially so when you hinted you liked one of them - which you know was a bit of an own goal to say the least - well done for picking that up. The fact you even hinted at that was enough of a red flag despite you saying you weren't going to chance it - they need to know your intentions are non-threatening.

My view on disclosure is that I think they need to know that your awkwardness is something out of your grasp - McAnulty is spot on here , and myself being diagnosed has definitely been useful in some situations , making a "known unknown" and "known known" so as to speak. Especially given they already know and accept a guy with AS. Otherwise you are being judged by the neuronormal standards the girl know and were brought up to. If a non-autistic person were to act in the same way you did they would have to be very disturbed (and hence a danger to their physical/emotional wellbeing) - so they were protecting themselves from that "threat".

Saw this and joined so I could reply - hello all! (recently diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome myself)

Let me explain where this went wrong. The main thing which did for you was that you went from not interacting with that group (background) -> interacting with them in an "involved" way in a short space of time which set off a load of red flags with the girls particularly - when coupled with the fact they knew you as being socially awkward beforehand .

Unfortunately how you came across to them in the past does feed in to their anxieties. They needed more time (and more interactions) to decide that you were OK ("safe") to be friends with (apart from the one with social anxiety) - and that you didn't perhaps didn't pick up on that led them to believe you had ulterior motives. Especially so when you hinted you liked one of them - which you know was a bit of an own goal to say the least - well done for picking that up. The fact you even hinted at that was enough of a red flag despite you saying you weren't going to chance it - they need to know your intentions are non-threatening.

My view on disclosure is that I think they need to know that your awkwardness is something out of your grasp - McAnulty is spot on here , and myself being diagnosed has definitely been useful in some situations , making a "known unknown" and "known known" so as to speak in terms of awkwardness. Especially given they already know and accept a guy with AS. Otherwise you are being judged by the neuronormal standards the girl know and were brought up to. If a non-autistic person were to act with the same pattern of interactions that you showed they would have to be very disturbed (and hence a danger to their physical/emotional wellbeing) - so they were protecting themselves from that "threat".

Best of luck , hope all goes well.

Well I did have the problem that people thought I was hitting on them too. You are a guy, so it looks probably worse for you if you approach a group of females. Were they generally good looking? All of them were taken as you said. You might also have missed that they stood quite high in some kind of social hierarchy and it is weird to approach them. Maybe they are hit on often, anyway it looks weird if you try to enter a group that is mostly made up by one gender, or so I am told anyway. Maybe they wanted to be left alone and do talk girl stuff (ok you said there was a male too, but who knows maybe he was gay )
I agree with Francois as well that you went in too fast, that just annoys pople and well it might look creepy. And well if you told one of them that you might like one slightly you really cannot be suprisd she told them, girls gossip and you are certainly a topic.

I have an easier time trying to fit in with males, so I usually try to make male friends - but as I said it took me a while to get it I my intentions were sometimes missunderstood. Being an Aspie I probably didn't even think about it, gender is not very important to me in general so I really don't get the NT opinion that males and females cannot be platonic friends. But I guess many see it like that?

I usually make clear that I am not interested in a relationship at that time. I just mention that I am not over something or that I have a thing for someone else, well even if it isn't true. I'm never interested in someone that I just got to know it takes me a lot of time and trust to consider a relationship so it really is never an issue.

I tell people over time that I am bad at social clues ect when getting to know them, but that is like a slow process. If they react ok I might tell them more if the situation comes up. But don't throw everything at a person at once before getting to now them, they would probably be irritated and overwhelmed. That's like the going in to fast and friending all of them after a day in fb.

To fb friends if they are people you see every day you should ask them in RL if it is ok to friend them on fb. Some think it is weird to be spontaneusly friended by somebody, at least you should also write a message when friending them that explains why you are doing so. I had a lot of weird fb reactions too when I thought it ws absolutely ok to friend them, so I am a bit cautious now.

Didn't realize that this would get this many posts.

In a way I'm glad (in a mixed feeling sort of way) I went off on that one girl since me breaking contact with them all right there kept me from continuing to do more damage and permanently record my awkwardness into their memories. And no, that one male friend that sat with them isn't gay, I'm friends with him on fb and his status says he's into women. But as you said Merceile, gender really isn't much of an importance for me I do have male friends but I have no priorities over which group has the dominant numbers or closeness.

I have had many a bad experience with keeping and making friends in the past plus the semester was awful overall (going from living at home for the first two years of college to dorm life and having a roommate in little under a month is unsettling. That and I told no one at the college about my aspergers since I thought I could handle things.) and I think I let the fear and paranoia from that get to me since in the back of my mind I was expecting something bad to happen and after I found out what they thought about me my trust plummeted and I pretty much just sat and waited to see what they would say about me next and I took everything the only girl I still had contact with as a lie or some sort of underhanded trick against me in some way. I hate when it takes me forever to finally realize my faults.

All I know to do next semester is go to them when they're all together and explain myself and that their friend explained everything to me, and that I have a bit more social issues than I like to admit and that if they want to know what then ask. Then apologize to them in person for freaking them out and being rude and a bit mean. Then wait a few seconds and see if they say anything, after that I don't know what to do. Wait and see? Maybe they will eventually begin to accept me at least as a friend?

I would try to explain to them now, probably also only in writing. You will feel less insecure, and that makes it easier to get your point across. It is also less confrontenal. If you do it next semester they will probably have forgotten about you untill then and it is gonna be like bringing a bad memory up again. If you tell them now they have a lot of time to get over it and accept and when you see them again you know how they are gonna react. If the reaction is bad now you still get a fresh start next semester, just wih other people.Otherwise you are gonna obsess over it all summer long. (ok that's just what I would probably do)

Don't feel bad if you don't get any friendships out of it. The few times I had a bad reaction and later on explained, the others were far to embarrassed and never knew how to react around me anymore.

(PS: Sorry I had a exhausting day and that messes my foreign languages abilities totally up - I hope you'll get at least the idea. )

The reason I'm not doing it in writing is because they already see me as some sort of creepy stalkerish person and writing to them and not facing them face to face is probably going to just reinforce that since one of the things stalkers are known to do is send "unwanted messages" to people. The girl I angered said not to talk to her again, so I'm respecting those wishes and I don't want to know what would happen if I dared to send another message after that.

Plus I get the reassurance that they're actually listening to me and not just seeing that the message was from me and ignoring/deleting it and then probably blocking me. Things said in person seem to go differently than if they were said online, they can see your sincerity and all that stuff. Though I'm at a disadvantage there since I don't show much emotion to begin with so they probably couldn't tell either way. XP

Edit: I might consider doing it though, the idea is on the fence.

Well the whole idea is that they can simply chose to ignore something you have written, they have time to think about it and don't have to answer immeadiately. It is less offensive, and if you are just the slightest bit like me, there are going to be more missunderstandings when trying to apologize in person. When I'm nervous and uncomfortable I never get said what I actually want, which makes things only worse.
Apologizing in person now is certainly the worst idea I agree, especially since she told you not to talk to her again. I just don't really think it is going to be any better if you wait a few months. I can garante you they ll be annoyed again if you contact them again, so better now when they are still annoyed anyway?

Or you could simply cut your losses, I'm pretty sure it is going to be akward anyway from now on and I really don't see that situation working out for you.

But well I guess that's me talking again, I might have had a few more bad experiences already and I admire you that you have the courage to actually walk up to them again and explain yourself in person again after that whole mess,

So good luck!

Well I sent a message a few days back, on the down side no reply. On the plus side, I'm not blocked. On another plus side I can send this to four other people.

Edit: Decided against sending it to the other people, I'm just going to wait until the start of next semester and have someone help me handle it in person, something of a mediator since it's obvious that they won't listen to me or believe me if I spoke to them face to face and I would somehow manage to screw things up royally as well. XP In the meantime I deactivated my facebook to keep me from checking to see if there is a reply every other hour.