Should I give up trying to make friends?

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I have Asperger's and find it very hard to make and keep friends. Usually the other person loses interest, or an unfortunate chain of mishaps occurs to destroy the friendship. "Friendship" is not the most accurate term to use here, as things don't usually last long enough for a friendship to even begin

I try hard to get along with people and to please, but sometimes it comes down to being too boring or nervous, or any number of flaws.

Recently I thought I made some friends but they haven't been calling as much - one stopped hanging around and is now just an occasional "phone buddy." I had a personal crisis of late and wasn't able to contact them in a timely manner.......a bunch of circumstances interfered, which always seems to happen (in addition to my usual social awkwardness).

An NT would be able to keep the friendship going in spite of a crisis....NTs are adept at it. Not so in my case.....I probably hurt someone's feelings somewhere down the line.

Sometimes when I think I hurt someone's feelings, I reach out to the person to find out what went wrong, and usually this backfires, the person shuts down or something else...

Anyway, I can see small signs already that my most recent "friendships" are starting to fade. My track record for making and keeping friends is abysmal.

I'm wondering whether it is worth it to try to save the friendships.......Or should I stop trying and simply accept that I'm unable to make friends?

(This question is mainly whether in an Aspie's life it can get to the point where for one's own sanity it is better to focus on how to be alone rather than continually trying and getting frustrated at repeated failure )

Life isn't over. You'll have plenty of time to make new friends.

How old are you? I'm in college and I just this year started to get some friends. It takes time, don't give up. Even if you're older than me, it can still happen. Friendship happens at different times for different people. Here's a tip that worked really well for me: just being in the same place as others often will make people want to get to know you better. I even learned later in my psychology class that research has proven this to be true.

Friendship is really getting me down lately. I wish I had some good advice. I really believe in it, it's just sometimes hard to find or believe in or balance. Or tell when it's not quite there anymore, or if you're imaging things.

I'm sort of taking a bit of a break, trying to get some perspective on people/situations this week.

Best of luck!

i'm in my 30's.

I am also in my 30ies and started working on making friends 4 years back. Before that i didnot really bother about it. Just like you i keep on wondering whether it is worth it. I dont know if you have fun with the people you meet when you are with them. With me it is like in a year i have had 2 occasions that i can call fun with 2 different people, which have not repeated.

I am in a dilemma as i am tired of failing but i also dont want to be alone, which is a more likely possibility(dont know is same is true for you). So to answer your and my question. I am just trying to focus on doing things that are fun for me. They may include people or not. I try not to focus on making friends as much, but interact with people when i meet them. I dont make as much effort as i would earlier. I realised that almost all of my "friendships" were actually not friendships but acquaintances. People who are together due to circumstances or reasons. So although for me they were important, for them i was not. But because i was putting so much effort in them thinking they were important, it always hurt when things faded off. So now i remind myself that they are acquaintances and not friends. So i dont allow myself to make as much effort as i would do otherwise.

I still struggle and get upset frequently, but since i am no longer expecting anybody to be friends, i am not keeping my life on hold. I am doing things that are fun for me, even though all of them are things i do alone. I have atleast 1 person who emails me voluntarily. I cant say i am not lonely but i can say i am less stressed than i was 8 months back and that i like myself more now.

You should never give up that easily there is plenty of time to make friends.

Friendships are worth saving, if they are people who you really enjoy and care about. Having a crisis and not getting back to your friends doesn't mean that they have blown off your friendship. What would work best is if you wrote them a short email briefly explaining what happened. Then, apologize for not keeping in touch and that you've really enjoyed your times together, perhaps suggesting that you hang out soon. This is what I've done when I've realized I've neglected someone, and the response has always been one of positivity and understanding. If they truly cared about you, they would be considerate of your situation, and if not, they obviously weren't meant to be your friends. It's worth a try to reach out to them though.

To anneurysm: I am going to play a bit of devils advocate, but shouldnt it be that his friends should have kept in touch when he could not? I dont understand why it is always our end which is told to keep in touch and apologies if not possible. When it happens in typical people they generally give reasons like "too busy" "difficult time" etc. Like with my sister in law, her friends will email her if she is not initiating, they will not leave her.

It could be about the extent of the relationships you have with the people around you. With your sister in law, it is possible that she may just have closer friends who have known her longer and on a deeper sort of level. Since the person who left you isn't talking to you much now and you have drifted apart, the onus is on you to step up because it could be that your friendship with this person was just developing. When the person you are talking with isn't super close, it's a good thing to apologise so that it shows that you still want to maintain the friendship and that it doesn't seem like you are being flaky.

To anneurysm:

Thanks for replying. I guess that makes sense. All my relationships are acquaintances so i rarely have a situation where they initiate contact. i understand what you are saying. I also get the fact that if i want someone to be my friend i need to make any effort. My mom also tells me that.

I honestly just get tired. Like tjr1243 i am fine with meeting people but have a tough time maintaining any friendships.

So i am freaked by the concept of apologizing to "friends" for not keeping in touch. Because 1. it shows that i am needy. Like they can be fine without me but i cannot be fine without them 2. i am also not sure at what point i need to start apologizing. I feel like i am always either apologizing for myself or going out of the way to be present. It is just too much effort, which also goes negative as then i start to hate myself, that person and everything about the situation. Which then leads to me further avoiding the situation.

Does this ever happen to you?

I have similar thoughts. I try to show interest but not need. I'm sure on some occasions I have lost it because I should have shown a bit of need or more interest. The person was even expecting it, but the fear of the person dismissing me as needy speaks louder so I go for disinterested and lose it. It uses my energy to be walking this tight rope all the time.

tjr1243 and others,

Don't ever give up, but you can take breaks or change course. One thing I had the hardest time learning that could be very valuable for you is that people come in many different sizes and shapes mentally. There are people out there who only want acquaintances, or they want friends that are only for specific buddies. So you might only have a phone buddy because the other person only wants a phone buddy or only wants you as a phone buddy and nothing more. Maybe another person only wants to be your movie buddy and nothing more. This does not necessarily reflect on you. It can be frustrating because most aspies care about having those close friendships, we may not express ourselves properly, and we may be so synced in our own world that we may have to learn the hard way how to respect someone else's emotions. I've definitely been on both ends where I did not know how to respect someone emotionally and they turned away from me or vice versa.

A recent experience that hurt me is that my honesty in a situation made things worse. While I don't feel bad about being open and honest because I was pushed for such an answer, I'm sorry that it hurt this person. What makes it 10 times harder is they don't/didn't want to acknowledge my emotions. Even though we both wanted the friendship back and still do, there's just more that we expect from each other because of previous situation(s). What's funny about that situation is that despite the idea that me and other said person are both autistic, it does show in this case that we both get it or are learning emotionally, but our wants and needs are drifting apart from each other. He just expects the friendship to just occur like everything is normal again because I gave him what he wanted (mostly), but he doesn't want to believe or admit to me what I need because it is too much for him emotionally and he does not believe it probably. It was starting to stress me out, and I've had some friends tell me to completely pull away for now, although one of them just says don't even think about possibilities and this and that, but that friend is quite extreme in his methodologies.

What I mean by change course is that maybe because of your experience you will not desire to have that kind of close friendship anymore and only looking for buddies with this interest or that. Sometimes you just have to make do with what you have for now. If you can move closer to a bigger city, you have a greater chance of finding people that match your interests and get it too.

It's hard to be mindful of other's emotions, so take more time with that part in an extreme situation if you form a really close bond with someone and it goes sour later on.

Good luck

Maintaining friendships is really tough. Apologising to these acquaintances does not necessarily mean you're needy though, as long as you're able to word things briefly. It will only seem needy if you go on and on about your circumstances that separated both of you. Keeping things short will help them see that you're simply reaching out.

I understand the feeling of you taking situations like that negatively. Because you weren't able to have success the first time around, you feel helpless and worthless. I've been there so many times, and have even been there recently. However, I can tell you that when you reach out and make contact, there is a chance things will change. He could message you back and everything will be fine. There's no chance he can do this if you don't contact him, so I suggest you take the chance and write him.

I've given up. I had a few friends in college but they were really acquaintances. They were all really geeky like myself. I haven't kept in touch with any of them. Since then, nada other than the person I eventually married. Who I met through a personal ad I placed. Basically looking for a bed buddy and eventual marriage (that's what my ad said). Seriously. Funny thing, he's just like me. We don't have any friends. I have never ever had a close female friend. Honestly, I don't really care to at this point. It's kind of liberating to have just given up.

you just havn't met the right people. I have one group and a few other odd friends who are close. We are all misfits to some degree but either because of it or not we're like one big family. some people accept the way you are I suppose. Others act like they are too good for you.

Give the man the finger.