How to not take things personally?

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I go to a lot of 12-step recovery meetings these days. I do get a lot out of the meetings, and I do have a few close NT friends from those circles, but that's not the point of this post.

Frankly, I try to strike up conversations with others after most of these meetings. I start making attempts at small talk, but it always ends abruptly. The other person usually just casually turns around and talks to somebody else, usually when I am speaking in mid-sentence. I do not know how to handle situations like that, other than to feel hurt.

Also, when I go out to dinner with groups of people from these meetings, I find it difficult to add anything to the conversation. Usually because every time when I open my mouth, somebody else at the table speaks louder, and I just sit there in my chair feeling embarrassed that I tried to say anything at all.

I don't know how to handle situations like these. It's frustrating.

OK, I'll stop whining now. Let's talk solutions. I don't have any. That's why I'm posting this.

I used to speak softly and mumble a bit, I used to get this sometimes. But I worked on speaking more clearly and now it doesn't happen.

I still get what you mentioned happens at dinner, but, it doesn't bother me. I rather like no one paying attention to me in a group situation.

I find it awkward in group situations, its better when there's only one person its annoying when you're talking to someone and someone else comes up and starts talking to them, I end up moving away.

1. Record your voice. Then listen to it. If you don't like what you hear, what can you do to make yourself sound interesting?

Aspies supposedly tend to speak in a monotone. Which is B-O-R-I-N-G to most ears. Who wants to listen to a human robot? And if your voice is quiet, and you speak without enthusiasm, emphasis, inflection, suspense, etc. -- the things that make speech interesting -- then imitate somebody else's style. Maybe even copy some favorite actor's character's manner of speaking, like John Hamm's Don Draper of "Mad Men." Most people tend to vary their speech. Just like in movies and tv shows, in real life good speakers hold people's attention. Once you're comfortable with a certain speech pattern, then it'll become part of you.

IMO speaking is like telling a joke -- it's all about timing. If your timing is off, people lose attention and find something or someone else to listen to.

And if like most Aspies you go on and on about a topic, that's not conversation. That's a harangue.

And when to speak, to jump into a conversation, again that's about timing as well as paying attention to other people's verbal and facial cues.

2. Read books on how to speak effectively. I forget the Aspie website but do recall the name of one recommended author: Leil Lowndes. I've one of his books sitting currently on my nightstand. Haven't opened it yet so can't share his ideas yet.

Anyone remember the robot from Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy movie?

I have the same problem sometimes at meetings. I usually just keep quiet and and wait for a moment to interrupt. People have little patience these days pretty much like grownup kids so getting their attention takes a lot of effort.

Usually in group conversations, it's totally okay to be the quiet one, especially if you are just casually meeting with everyone afterwards. Group conversations are quite tricky, so it's best to get to know people one on one. If you listen to everyone's ideas and thoughts and show that you are doing so by looking in the speaker's general direction, that counts as participation.

The above tip on recording your voice and becoming aware of it is a great suggestion.

When striking up conversations one on one, perhaps become aware of where you are focusing the conversation. When conversing with aquaintances that you are just getting to know, the trick is to focus the conversation onto them. Try to look for common experiences between you and the other person (for example, you've been living in the same are for a while). People really enjoy talking about themselves, so try to stick to basic questions about work, hobbies, and even about the group itself (How have you been finding this week's exercises?). Keep things open ended, so avoid asking questions that have yes/no answers so that you are able to elaborate and share ideas.

A tip that I've used more than a few times is that in advance, think of three potential conversation starters for a given event. You don't have to use them all, but they are great to have with you in case you're not sure what to start with.