How do you know if you're right to be mad?

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I have a tendency to secondguess myself when it comes to being angry with someone. Im just never sure if my reaction is proportionate. And when I talk about it with others, I worry they only agree with me because they are my friends/family.

So if anyone would be kind enough to tell me what you think about this, I would really appreciate it Also, I want to apologize in advance for my less-than-perfect english...

So. I had a very close friend whom I met in December last year. In march me moved in together, and ever since we met we spent a LOT of time together, and when we lived together we were together basically all the time. Which is very unusual for me, there are very few people I feel completely comfortable and relaxed with. Like...3 people in the world so far.

Anyway. We no longer live together, we are no longer best friends and that is something I made happen. I broke it off, and he wants to go back to the way things were. But he thinks we are having trouble because I have a hard time forgiving people, while I on the other hand think that anyone would have a hard time forgiving him. But now I've started to secondguess myself so...

Here's what happened. First problem: I came home one night and he had taken something. And he was having a bad reaction to it, a bad tripp is the expression in english I think? He ended up punching me in the face and being horribly mean and threatening towards me. I was afraid of him. Then he passed out and started vomiting while unconscious so I had to stay up (all night) and help him, with blood running down my face. I felt like a doormat...He did not really feel bad about this incident the next day, he mostly laughed it off, but he did apologize for hitting me. (Although he did not remember anything).

So that was the first thing. We did not talk about it much, I didn't want to think about it at all. Still don't, really. Then the thing happened that caused me ask him to move out and end our friendship. When I was visiting my parents, I had locked my bedroom since I have very private things in there. He helped some other guy break in to look for money. He claims he didn't really want to and was just following the other guys lead (the guy in question is really, really scary, so this I do believe), but he then proceeded to hang out with him for the next couple of days. And lied to me about it until I came home and found the lock broken. This is not loyal behavior, right? I felt like my personal integrity (MY space, MY things) had been violated. Im very private, and HATE it when people invade my personal space. And my bedroom is f*****g private, no one has the right to just go in there and look thorugh my things. He knows how i feel about my personal space, but I guess he didn't care.

He claimes that since he's apologized many times, and a couple of weeks have passed, I should get over it. (Not the words he used, but basically what he meant.)

Should I get over it, am I overreacting? This ended up being really long. Sorry about that

No you are not over reacting...

Run.. Run.. Run in the other direction from this person.

1. He is doing drugs. He had a very adverse reaction to them and ended up being VIOLENT with you. If one of my kids did that to me.. they would be OUT of the HOUSE in a police car. OUT.
2. He is doing drugs. He is unreliable. Drugs are NOT something to mess around with.
3. He is bringing dangerous people into your home and helping them BREAK INTO YOUR SPACE and STEAL THINGS. When will he bring someone in that will BREAK INTO YOUR SPACE and HARM YOU?

My opinion is.. Tell him hey nice to know you.. but I have personal boundaries that are deal breakers for me.. you broke TWO of them. Goodbye.

I think you're right to be mad. If the first incident had been an isolated one, I would have cut him some slack, but breaking into your room on top of that just makes me think this guy is bad news. A bad trip is one thing, breaking into your room is just complete lack of respect. I wouldn't forgive him, it's not a slip up, it's a pattern of disrespect.

In my opinion you are vastly under-reacting. If someone did any of those things to me I would call the police. This person is not your friend, no matter what he says because friends do not behave like that. Would you do those things to any of your friends?

I second NigNag on this one, RUN and never look back.

I believe the relevant phrase is: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

This fellow, nice as he might otherwise be when not hanging around scary/shade dudes, has fooled you twice, and is asking your permission to fool you a third time. After getting punched and burglarized, what's next?! A scary question.

If I were you, I would run--don't walk--in the opposite direction.

People make mistakes, but his is a DANGEROUS PATTERN of mistakes. And his unwillingness to take this as seriously as you do is also a bad sign. He either cannot or will not see his mistakes. He certainly doesn't seem willing to accept responsibility. And that's a dangerous type of person to be around.

Please take care of yourself and get away from this person. There are plenty of nice, gentle people out there (they're just harder to find, being quieter than the louder, pushier majority; but they're out there).

I'm sorry you had to deal with this, but am glad that you reached out and asked for help.

Take care and be safe.

P.S. You might actually help him to straighten his life out by doing this. If he really was your friend and really does care about you, then he should feel compelled to examine his life and reflect on how his actions caused you to leave his life. He should be doing some soul-searching. But that's not YOUR problem. YOUR problem is make sure you're safe and happy--two things which you were not with this gentleman.

Firstly, your English is actually at least as good as a native speaker, including the correct idioms etc.

Secondly, stop second guessing yourself. I am pretty much the same as you, I am slow to anger but I never forget, and while I have many positive character traits forgiveness is not one of them. Other people have their own feelings, and you certainly have a right to your own. You should not and do not require someone else's permission or agreement to be upset.

Thirdly, let's just recast things slightly into another point of view, namely mine.

He has taken and stored what are presumably illegal drugs in your house, something which could cause drug residues to be on your clothing and property which could potentially cause you trouble if the police ever did bring a sniffer dog near you or your home. If would go f*****g ballistic over that alone as it could potentially get you in serious trouble. Frankly, I'd have called the police over the drugs alone.

Then he's actually assaulted you while under the influence. It sounds like you then had to keep his airway open overnight, while ignoring your own injuries. I'm a first aider and I can understand how serious it must have been for you to feel that you couldn't go and clean up. Frankly, I would never have been in this kind of position simply because I would have ditched him before now, but that he simply didn't care afterwards would have been an capital offense in my eyes, and I would never have spoken to that person again. Ever.

Following this, he should have known that he was on what in English is known as "thin ice". Instead of being on his absolute best behaviour he has allowed someone of extremely bad character into your home. Knowing full well how you would feel about it he has then assisted someone in breaking and entering your room in order to rob you. He obviously doesn't actually feel that badly about it as he didn't stop the person. He wouldn't have had to fight him to stop him, just say "look mate, that's my girlfriends room and if we break in then she's going to kill me". He did not do this, and he lied to you about what had happened. He then demonstrated how horribly he feels by spending the next couple of days with this person.

You should have absolutely no regrets about dumping him. Frankly, he knows how to manipulate you and he is playing you for a fool. Personally, I think it is clear that he does not care about what you think, If he did then this latest situation would never have arisen. I would third the opinion that you are vastly under reacting to this.

It seems we're all in agreement here. This is a person who doesn't respect you and can't be trusted. You're right to cut him out of your life. And entirely justified in being angry.

When I read about him hitting you, I immediately knew this guy was bad news.

Seriously, I wouldn't forgive him. If he has been led to behave violently as he has, it is still NOT ACCEPTABLE.

Thanks guys, your input really helped. Like I mentioned, I came to same conclusion as you all did, which is why I ended our friendship. But then I started doubting myself. It's like I always think someone else is more likely to be right about something than I am, you know? This whole thing seemed crystal clear to me at first, but when he didn't see it that way...

Well. I'm not going to let him back in my life.

I don't think that anger is a problem. Anger is a feeling that tells you something needs to be done---but you have to use your reasonable mind to figure out what that thing is...that needs to be done.

I personally think it was a good idea to cut friendships with this guy. Sometimes, people cross a line and cannot be forgiven or trusted again.

I had a good friend in high school who was trying to get off of heroine. I let her into my house, where she promised she would not shoot up, and she was throwing up outside my house--but I cleaned it up.

Then, the next thing I know she's shooting up in a vein in her foot, and her vein is collapsing or something (not sure--it just turned purple and bruised looking).

I told her to stop! Of course, I understood that she was trying to come off it.

I let her spend the night--and the next day a jar of coins that me and my mom had been saving (like a large five gallon jar) was gone with her.

I'm not still mad at her, but I know that our friendship could never really go back to how it was. And I think she understands that too.

You have the right to uphold your own boundaries--and it sounds like he violated them, and I think you're justified in not letting him back in your life.

Defend yourself. As an aspie, I hate that I dealt with a VERY NEGATIVE ex fiancee; I was always very VERY confident when I was younger and I was confident all the way up until I met her. Situation faced now is -- What is the proper reaction and how do I act outside of taking on personalities??

Well, in this scenario, I'd say -- get rid of him. Remove him from your life and basically just say f*** off. If someone did what he did to you to me (I am SO SO sorry that you dealt with what happened with the violence and THEN the environmental shattering part of your dilemma...I'd basically tear down anything between him and I and I'd either tell the cops and file EVERY POSSIBLE piece of action against him including a lawsuit for personal injury due to Asperger's syndrome, etc etc etc -- I would make it so that his life would be worse than hell. Not only would he be placed in a facility where he'd have a large boyfriend named George [place inmate name here who would make his prison life not very happy] BUT he would end up with multiple amounts of damage costs.

I would learn Krav Maga and just....don't let our condition get you down nor make you under-react; I know that you care about others and have intense compassion (as I read - VERY commendable and you are a gem of a human being and an Amazing aspie) BUT Please, Don't let people walk on you nor behave in those ways to you.

You can react with violence if wanted (Krav Maga's statement of action when faced with a dangerous situation is Very intense...The person is either knocked unconscious OR they are killed in self-defense - although usually they stab or shoot themselves due to the techniques used...)

Anyway, violence is not a good option unless if you KNOW you can protect yourself and Anybody can if properly trained or if one studies enough on the subjects.

I apologize if this sounds over-reactive of me; Personally, I would have broken him in body and spirit on the first offence regardless of ANY excuses he may have had (Drugs, alcohol, etc -- He likely has narcissistic personality disorder or he does sound as though he'd be classified in multiple other arenas as well).

Just, be you and just know that you need positive people around you and you Need support from those around you; Good luck and keep your head up...You were very brave and although you did not react and I would have reacted with extreme force; I am humbled by your actions during those traumatic experiences. Please be safe!

Remember too, aspies -- We rule =o)

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