Manipulation or diplomacy?

Post Reply New Topic

Lately, I have discussed this with my wife, and we have, together, analyzed different people in my closest family whom I no longer have any contact with, and the motivation that drives them to be in a relationship/friendship. I would have never gotten to this conclusion myself, but the way we analyzed it together it all just seemed so right.

I've put some labels on familymembers, that fit them really well. "Emotionally"-, "Economically / Service"-, "Logically"- and "Intellectually"-driven.
By these I mean that the emotionally driven person will respond best to me when I display emotions as best I can. The economically-/service-driven will form strongest bonds if you talk about economy, discounts, or if you help them out with tasks they find overwhelming, or even when they help you out with tasks. The logically driven, would respond best to logic, not emotions, and are more prone to follow rules than to break them for the good of others. The intellectually driven wont respect you if they all the time as to explain words for you, or define concepts that are clearly above your head.

It may seem like a weird theory, but from what I can see, it is how it works, atleast in our family. Me and my mom has a logically driven relationship, we fit the same label both of us. One of my siblings are emotionally driven, and I regained contact with him/her by writing an emotional letter. Another sibling of mine and my father are economically-/service-driven, and they get along great by themselves, but I found that when they no longer feel needed, they drift away and eventually cut all contact.

I have tried this motivational approach with an emotionally driven familymember, and it worked. I am thinking about trying it out on an economically-/service-driven person aswell, by starting our slowly by asking for help on some tasks around the yard, or with some car problems I have put off doing.

Perhaps the motivation to keep and maintain a relationship can be degrees of emotion/economy/service/logic/intellect. Perhaps a person are 80% logic and 20% service. Like I said, it's just a theory I have.

Have anyone else tried this approach to getting back in touch with people? Is this manipulation, or diplomacy? If it is manipulation, is it ok to use it for a good cause like bringing the family closer together?

Last edited by Blownmind on 20 Jun 2012, 2:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Bump 12 hours later for title change and some editing.

Yes I have with another individual who thinks they are cream of the crop because they are highly intelligent and more superior to others. However, I find that when I do that it drives me batty.

My advice to you- It sounds like yes you are try to manipulate the situation by feeling accepted by others by acting the way they are. The truth is that you are going to blow yourself out by doing that as it's a way of people pleasing. You might want to analyze who you are as a person first and then be honest and say this is who you are. Then when you have a chance, put your foot down with your family members by saying, "Hey this is who I am and I am not here to please you."

First of all, thanks for taking an interest in the subject.

I've been soulsearching the last 2-3 years, and in an accelerated rate the last year. I've not had much contact with family, because of issues too big to explain here. I've told them about my Aspergers, with ~2 months of silence following it. So basicly, I've done the honest part, I've done the putting foot down part, and I'm now in a process of trying to please them again to reestablish contact.

The alternative, with my stubborn family, is to not have contact at all.

Some people feel really happy to help and need to feel needed, or else, "why bother."

I have the same thing with my own family. I feel like I have to jump through hoops just to get through the day. I can't deal with the manipulation of my family anymore. Any suggestions on how to mitigate this?

I have done this most of my life and it has served me well. What you are doing is a version of verbal mirroring.
http://www.work911.com/communication/sk ... roring.htm



You haven't adopted the tone of voice or word use of the other person but you have definately adopted their communication style when dealing with them. This isn't manipulation. It's an excellent communication tool. I stumbled across it in my teens and adopted it for use in highschool. I didn't realize it had a name until decades later. The linked article also describes physical mirroring but that's the sort of body language ninja technique that needs to be done subconsciously to be done well so probably not a good idea. But mirroring communication style (emotional,logical, task oriented) can be done quite well consciously.

You will note that my profile says "NT". I am one of those people who stands on the borderline with some autistic traits but not enough to be disabling, so no search for diagnosis. I get along well with other people (so do not fit social communication disability) but do so in an overtly conscious way. I stumbled towards this through childhood and early teens when I could only get along with 2 or 3 other kids at a time since I would only get along with the kids who were exactly like me and I didn't have to alter my communication style any. Somehow or other, I stumbled across this way of mirroring the modality people use and trained myself to segue between modalities without losing my own self (as one poster above warns against). Can this switching between modalities be done smoothly or without losing yourself even with Aspergers's Syndrome (which seems to make modality switching much harder)? It seems you are doing it.

I hope this works out for you. It has certainly worked out for me (although I am Broader Autism Phenotype (per those online tests) rather than Aspergers). Once you get really practiced at it you will find it smooths pretty much every interaction you have and makes life easier.

This is just awesome! Thanks for the push in the right direction. It's not manipulation, it's all about establishing rapport.

sources: http://www.leotrainer.com/tmirror.pdf & http://www.alessandra.com/abouttony/aboutpr.asp


Cross-referencing the results of "Communication Description" and "Communication Categories" will yield one of the 4 types, the links I provided explains how to interact with said types. This "Platinum Rule" is worth its weight in ... gold.

Directors = Task oriented + Direct
Thinkers = Task oriented + Indirect
Socializers = People oriented + Direct
Relaters = People oriented + Indirect

Manipulation and diplomacy are not mutually exclusive and frequently overlap. Both try to get someone else to do something you want.