Avoidant? Seriously?

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I went to see a not-very-nice psychiatrist a few days ago. When talking about my social difficulties, I confessed that I'm not sure I want friends any more because of the frustration and hurt I've had in the past when I put myself out there and worked hard to try to make friends.

Her response was that she doesn't think I have Asperger's, and that my social problems all stem from an avoidant personality :/

This really caught me off guard and I didn't even know what to say back. I felt rather offended. I had tried to explain to her that I have worked to try to attain/maintain friendships in the past but that I found it incredible stressful and confusing, and that it didn't seem like anyone really wanted to be friends with me and I was always the last priority on their lists.

I know I may have avoidant behavior now but that's because I've been hurt too many times... by people saying they want to be my friends, but then never making any effort to get to know me or spend time with me, and then gradually ignoring me. So how does that prove that my problems are BECAUSE of avoidance? It's the other way around. I just keep turning what she said over and over in my head and feeling like I've been told that all the disappointment I've experienced is basically my own fault because I never tried. I have to go back to see this person in a couple of weeks, and if I speak to family members about my discomfort with her ideas about me, they just act like I'm being obstinate and say, "Well, she's the professional; if you don't want to listen to her then why are you going?"

It sounds like she heard what was easiest for her. Have you thought about writing a psychological self history? I certainly have. Then you could take the time to explain your difficulties in depth and she could refer back to it when you were in discussion. I also wanted friends and I did have a small group of core friends but that was after a long association through school. I never learned how to make and keep friends. At this point in my life I prefer to be alone but that does not mean the whole process isn't a mystery to me.

Unfortunately in my experience seeing psychs, docs & other so-called experts; they got the cause & effect mixed up. I got Schizoid Personality because I was very closed off due to dealing with depression & other emotional issues that were caused or related in part due to my AS. I don't really have any advice for you except to maybe just accept that the psychs may not get your diagnoses rite & take things from there as to if you should give up going or not

I read somewhere that personality disorders are much more common than ASD's. So, psych*'s are probably pre-disposed to thinking of those first.

And also, the way they think -- it's a lot less scientific than people think (especially ASD people, I suspect).

I heard the same thing about personality disorders & I would believe it. It could also be the way we present ourselves with them. The Aspie traits may not be easily noticeable to them if we aren't acting naturally

If you get hurt enough times you avoid what hurts. Is that considered an avoidant personality? I consider it more a case of self preservation.

Psychiatry isn't an exact science. It depends a lot on the person's opinions. If she has a preconceived notion of what is wrong with you she will unconsciously try to make the evidence fit that idea. It doesn't help that AS symptoms are so variable.

Well said. I used to make an extra effort and put extra energy into making friends, especially at workplace, and being "agreeable" and easy to get along with. After being "burned " so many times I no longer make much of an effort and indeed I find I don't care as much or have as much empathy any more(does this mean I'm becoming more autistic? ) On one level I find this sad, on another I don't think I could get through life otherwise.

Yes, I totally agree; this is the same thing that's happened to me. On the one hand I'm more satisfied because I'm not as worried about other people liking me, since I'm not trying so hard to get them to be my friends. On the other hand, I feel guilty for giving up and like my changing attitude makes me a less nice person, by the standards with which most of us are raised anyway.

Time to see a new doctor.

If you dont feel that your therapist is making sense then why go?

My suggestion is that when you go back, please don't be emotional about it. It's difficult, but put your personal feelings about her aside.

What you should do is address this topic calmly, but directly. Explain, "I've been thinking about what you said about Avoidant PD, and I think there's a misunderstanding between us. I don't believe avoidance is the root of my problem, I believe avoidance is in response to my problem. I didn't start out worried of how others would treat me. I became this way after I observed with my own eyes how they've treated me." This may not be the best summary, and she may not understand it fully, but you have to express your opinion, without getting defensive, as to why you feel this diagnosis is incorrect.

In fact, use the time between sessions as an excuse. "When you mentioned AvPD last week, I was uncertain about it. I've since looked into it and I feel it doesn't accurately apply to me because..."

By the way, are you hoping to get a diagnosis of AS from her? If so, you may be better off finding another shrink.