Group conversations

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Hi,

Was wondering if anybody else can relate to this or if it is just me?

In one-one conversations I tend to be alright and can behave more or less like anybody else should, but I find group conversations to be much tougher to deal with. I have a habit of saying stupid/weird things during conversation that make me look bad and also a target for sarcastic retorts. I find this can be quite hurtful, even if the other person is normally friendly towards me, so I usually say very little for fear of being made fun of. This is a problem I've had for many years and despite my best efforts I still manage to come across as socially inept during group conversations.

Is there some sort of trick to doing this or am I destined to just having to stay quiet all the time?

Thanks,
Pulsar

Can relate... that or you end up not talking to anyone and being forgotten in the group...
Can't offer any advice, sorry.

I also find conversations to be quite difficult when there are 3 or more present other than myself. It just seems to become a battle to get the first word in with the people around you, so I tend to just sit back and say my bit when I feel I have something relevant to add. Which I would advise you do, just add to the conversation when you feel you want to, don't talk for the sake of talking otherwise you will most likely make the social blunders you mentioned. I don't know how these people act towards you so I can't really say for sure, but it sounds like they are just teasing you a little providing they don't do this to you regularly.

I have that as well it because I don't only have to deal with pleasing one person, I have to deal with a whole group of people.

With more than two people in a conversation, the switching of topics becomes more random and unstructured, and you lose control of where the conversation is going because the third or fourth person (nitro-mouthed person) will take away control of the conversation and topics, leaving you frustrated and trying to keep track of what's going on.

That's my experience anyway.

I avoid group conversation also, but for a different reason. It's not because think 'll be made fun of, but for accidentally offending somebody who'd then what to shove my words back down my throat. The reactions of some people are extraordinarily strong in regards to topics I think are weak and superfluous. And since I can't predict their reactions, it always seems like I'd walked into a trap. I wish people would come with their own disclaimer cards and hand them out, ie, "I like to talk about this and this and this and this, but if you mention that or that or that I'll take you to task for it!" Arrgghh!

Yupp, the topic switches too fast for me to keep up. I sit there thinking of how to make my retort comprehensible, while the group jumps ahead 2-3 topics. It's really frustrating, and there is also the matter of actually getting a word in edgewise in between all those nitro-mouthed persons.

A typical Aspie trait is interrupting conversations and only talking about their special interests.. The nitro-mouthed people may know how to jump in without it being viewed as rude interruptions, and instantly talk about the topic at hand without thinking first, but I just couldn't bare "thinking out loud" like they seem to do. I've tried explaining to my wife how I associate things in my mind before, and she just laughs at the "insane" jumps in "logic" at times. Doing that out loud would absolutely just confuse everyone.

I've been working on this. It seems like I can jump in more easily if I have a strong common ground with the group's discussion topic. However, if I have a different view or just personally question the view they embrace I'm not sure how to handle it.

At most maybe I can toss in a thoughtful question asking for clarification. However, I also think multiple mixed discussions are hard for me to follow. Maybe I need to mentally filter it and just zero in on one conversation to pay attention to.

I have similar problems and I know of three tricks.

1) if you listen first and only broach topics and styles of humor after someone else has done so, then you can be much more certain of the social acceptance even before you speak. This goes a fair distance, but doesn't really allow for much creativity nor for leading the conversation early. For some reason, I learned to do this one naturally at some point in my life and hardly even realize that I'm doing it.

2) there is a trick to watching and reading audience reactions. NT folks do it naturally and it can be taught and learned. This is similar to the psychic skills of "cold reading" but done with a group instead of other individuals. If you develop this skill, then you can shift what you are, or are going to say even while you're saying it. As you veer into territory that won't be accepted, you can notice and switch directions.

3) a recent seminar I attended on developing charisma/leadership, (taught by a man who primarily teaches school teachers and coaches of school teachers), pointed out that getting things on target isn't nearly as important as learning how to recover when they aren't. Learning the ability to shrug things off, treat them as jokes, etc, can go a long way.

I'm not saying that I'm an expert at this stuff. I'm not much better with groups either, that's why I go to seminars like this last one. But these are some of the clues and fruitful directions that I've been studying.

For what it's worth, NLP, especially in the presentations skills classes and trainer trainings talk a lot about these things. Also look into Michael Grinder, (I'm blocked from posting his web address, but he's easy to find on google), who teaches presentation skills, group dynamics, charismatic leadership, all primarily from the perspective of body language. He spends most of his time explicitly pointing out body language and techniques for accomplishing things like what we're discussing.

Yeah I find this 1 difficult. I figured out why, because in group conversations you are keeping track of multiple reactions and body language and with more people, you have less control of the conversation so its easy to withdraw and become very passive. The NTs get all socially involved with the rhythum and energy of each other and the aspie starts loosing control over the social situation and has trouble getting immersed in the rhythm and energy of NT interaction. Meanwhile, the aspie is struggling to get a word in. Whenever he/she does get a word in, it oddly breaks up the rhythm of the conversation and things get awkward. Then the NTs start to wonder why the aspie is so quiet? The various parties might walk away slightly discontented from the fact that the aspie was being so quiet. The aspie is irritated that he/she couldnt get a word in. The NTs might be annoyed and think the aspie was being standoffish.

I think they can tell when i fake interest but i just tell the i feel a little anti social and this conversation is boring so i don't have a anything to add, And then i have to leave because hanging around people chatting about mundane normal stuff that everybody knows makes me think they don't have any communication skill and are talking about it just to feel comfortable because everyones aware and does it, I don't really care for it and it feels like my iq is dropping the longer they talk so i have to get away and excuse myself

I do ok with small groups however terrible with large groups.