Help I suck at small talk

Post Reply New Topic

I think my inability at small talk is going to hit me hard again soon.

I work with many social people, so there are plenty of opportunities for small talk. I try my best at it, but I seem to say the wrong things so people stop talking to me. Then I keep quiet so I don't come across as weird, and that just makes them avoid me. I don't want to end up the person who no one wants to talk to. What should I do?

I've learned you have to ask questions and make them talk about themselves, cause people like to talk about themselves. Ask them about their weekend. Maybe if you've just seen a new movie you want to recomend. Don't start on your special interesst, cause where an aspie would love to hear all you know about a subject, i've noticed NTs (and deffinatly the outgoing ones) don't like going deep into one topic.

Note; i suck at smalltalk myself, but a friend ones gave me some tips (i haven't gotten to learn to apply them).

Huh... I studied small talk two years ago; now it's either internalized and automatical or forgotten. Nothing special, but better than it used to be.

What I remember from the top of my head is, the first seconds matter. The part of what do you do, why are you here, it's a way to start. Then you should be on the lookout for keywords, extra information they give about themselves, and be prepared to ask them about it. If you find a topic they find interesting, and they are the talkative one, and your purpose is only going through small talk, then you're set as they talk and talk about their preferred subject, and then you just got to listen. If you're not interested then it can get boring, and now I only ask more information about something if it is interesting to me, unless I really must make small talk. Also, it's important for you to give complete answers to their questions, when they have some, not the AS kind of complete but still it should go beyond a short sentence. You can give extra information about yourself that they can make questions about is helpful. The worst is when they always give short answers and don't ask anything in return, in that case I personally just bail out.

Also, don't say stuff that requires too much thinking. Many people don't enjoy thinking in an informal setting, and some people just don't enjoy thinking.

And more importantly, being less self-consious helps. I remember one time at college where I saw a guy who belonged to my class, thought "why not?" and started talking to him, going by these rules. It was rather structured at the beginning, but it turned out we shared similar interests and then it was on, and I stopped thinking about rules and questions and stuff and just... talked. This is my goal on every small conversation, find out something interesting about the other one that makes him worth talking with, so it's actually enjoyable instead of a burden. You should do that with your coworkers, if it all goes right they should at least be amiable, and one of them may even get to be your friend!

here's a book with many examples of small talk topics: "the fine art of small talk" by debra fine.

And the zen of it all is to undertry. And keep it straightforward and focus on the here and now, 'how's the day been going.' Try and just accept where the person is emotionally. And sometimes a person's not talkative and that's fine, too. And having brief, straightforward wildcards such as "Okay." and "Wow." available, that helps, too.

I think all of us, both those of us on the spectrum and those quote 'normal' (and no such thing as 'normal' anyway ) have an internal censor where we mentally review something before saying it. I have had some success making a conscious decision to turn down my internal censor so that the default setting is that it's probably okay to go ahead and say it, unless it clearly jumps out at me as in appropriate.

And this combined with letting a medium mistake merely be a medium mistake, has helped me.

Thanks. It looks good so far.

Alright, so I've tried asking more questions about themselves, and they are answering, but not asking questions in return.

Could they just not be interested in having a conversation?

Maybe they don't know what to say, or just weren't feeling talkative that day.

What kind of questions are you asking them? Are they done one after the other(if so, you could be boring and/or overwhelming them a bit) in rapid succession?

The worst thing you can do is NEVER stop giving continual questions from the moment you say hello. I've made the mistake of boring and/or overwhelming a few people in the past when I was still trying to learn "better" social skills.

If so, then they may have just chose to be polite til they can find an "exit" outside of the conversation.


Try to keep you questions simplistic(how is/was your summer/day, what is that you've got in your hand? etc. etc.) and don't pepper them with too many questions. Let them ask their own questions if they so desire to do so.

If not, just enjoy talking to them, let 'em listen to your (hopefully few) questions. Then, disengage from the conversation. Even if you'll never see this person ever again(it's possible, but unlikely), you'll have bolstered your social skills and learned more about making conversation.

It's the only way to make your social skills not suck.