Aspie vs borderline

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I'm quite new to this forum and looking for some perspective on a situation, if anyone has been through anything like this I'd much appreciate your feedback on the appropriate response...

I've been diagnosed with Asperger's since I was a child; most of my life has been without any social interaction at all. In fact, I find it really hard to maintain any friendships. I can't keep up with people's behaviour and what they expect of me, so I've generally preferred to be alone. I really enjoy being alone for long periods of time, but occasionally it's nice to meet with someone and talk. However the friends I've found myself with over the years have all been extremely negative. It's a mixed bag of I can't read people well and I feel more comfortable around people who, like me, are a little 'off the wall' and won't mind when I become embarrassing in public (saying the wrong thing too loudly etc).

They all have quite common traits; we meet and very quickly they become very obsessive and demanding over my time. I find that impossible to deal with, so I usually sever the friendships without much tact...I tend to say 'I don't want to be your friend anymore' and if they don't take the hint, I change my phone number. I know that's 'not right', but I get easily overwhelmed if I feel like people demand things of me that I can't give...

Moving on, I have had the same friend for 4 years now. When we met, I wasn't in a very good place as I found education completely overwhelming and quit to work in a low-end job with no pressure. I enjoyed her company and I found out she had Borderline Personality Disorder but it was never a problem for me as I always relate easier to 'other' rather than NT. But in the last six months it's taken a dive.

She treats me like a project, thinking that I'm somehow disabled and need constant attention which I actually hate. The more I have drifted away, the more intense she gets. I had a meltdown abroad and when I spoke to her afterwards she said 'I just wanted to come and rescue you and take you away from there' which I guess is a nice thing to say, but it made me very uncomfortable as I don't need rescuing, I'm very independent. This is a small problem, but last week I told her that I was going back into school to complete my training as a Marine Biologist. I could tell this made her unhappy as she felt I was 'abandoning her' and in response she went out and had my name tattooed across her chest (?! !) This made me VERY VERY UNCOMFORTABLE. At that time, I was in my recharge mode so I had turned my phone off and wanted to be alone; her response to the silence was repeated phonecalls, text messages, emails and even calling my mother to ask where I was and why I wasn't asking her. After I got all of the calls, I told her clearly that she was smothering me and I needed time alone, but I still valued her friendship. I said that I thought the tattoo was a poor decision. She's freaked out and told me that I'm cruel and overly dramatic, and that she doesn't want to talk to me for a while.

My main concern is that I might be a sociopath. I was diagnosed with Asperger's very young and haven't had much experience with other Aspies to discuss whether or not it's normal to feel completely emotionally disengaged from other people. I recognise that she's hurt and cares about me, but I don't feel anything. I'm not even angry, I think that she's childish and illogical. After 4 years of 'close' friendship, I don't feel much emotion at the thought of not speaking to her again.

I've been told that I'm cold and cruel - I'm concerned that I should be feeling the same emotions but I don't. She said things along the line of 'But you would be just as upset as me if I went abroad to study' - but I wouldn't.

At this point I'm debating whether or not to continue the friendship. I have no other friends at all so if I disengage with her I will have no social reference points. I'm not sure if that's a good idea, but I feel more inclined towards being alone than to deal with things like this.

Does anyone have any insight? Is this a 'normal' Aspie response? Should I try and maintain this friendship?

Thank you for any advice or wisdom you might have.

She loves you, possibly romantically, unless she has lots of other names tattooed on her body.

You are not a sociopath, unless you are skilled and take joy in manipulating others socially.

You seem like an Aspie, needing to recharge and isolate from too much social stimulation is common. Let her know that sometimes you need space and it's not her, it's you.

Friendships don't turn on/off. Typically, they slow down or speed up. You can keep things slow and meet her less often on your terms. If you still don't enjoy her company maybe you are better off on your own.

The more someone struggles to get close to me, the more I pull away. I don't tolerate grabby people well either. And I agree that her decision to get your name tattooed on her was in poor taste. It sounds like you might have hurt her feelings telling her what you thought. I don't think your lack of tact or desire to have boundaries in your relationships makes you a sociopath though. I think what is more likely is that your draw to non-neurotypical people is getting you involved with lonely, insecure individuals who don't feel the independence that you do, and latch on to you because you pay attention to them.

As for your lack of sympathy, I'm sure there are many here that can relate to that. You just sound like a logical person who can't feel sorry for those who make poor, illogical decisions.

My ability to choose healthier friendships has improved over the years only because I'm better at reading the warning signs in people. On the other hand, aside from my wife, I really don't have anything to do with anyone. I find most people are most attractive to me from a comfortable distance, and that's where I like to keep them.

If you want to mantain this relationship, I'd say fine, as long as you are able to assert your boundaries. If you have made those clear, and she's not respecting them, I'd think of her more as an obsessed fan then a friend. You don't need rescuing. She needs to get her own life, and let you live yours.