What to do about probably AS friend?

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Ok. During my last semester of college I made friends with a kid who had all the hallmarks of ASD, but not a diagnostic label.

He had a very awkward walking gait, he perservated to me about all kinds of stuff ( I didnt know whether to gently correct him, or just let it go on) had a tough time with organization and school, and most tellingly, said he was desperatley lonely. He transferred from Normandale community college, to University of St. Thomas ( my alma mater.)

He said hes had barely any satisfying friendships in his life, and was bullied in high school . Myself having ASD and struggling with friendships at times, my heart went out to him. But he was an incredibly frustrating person to try and help. I would send him emails that he would see but never reply to. Like I have sent him 15 e-mails, giving him info at ASD ( just for him to check out) and asking if he wanted to hang out this summer ( he hasnt replied.)

I also tried to involve him in the activities I was in, hoping I could introduce him to my pals and try and integrate him. I suggested he go to a Christian youth group on campus for a couple meetings ( he didnt show, though hes very interested in Christianity.)

I also asked if he wanted to go run with me and my running club (3 or 4 other people.) He actually agreed to, and told me hed be out in a second. Me and the group waited 5 minutes for him ( at my recommendation) and he did not show up! So we went out without him.

I am somewhat frustrated and angry with him. After all I could help him so much, he wants friends really badly. I think this must be some BIG social anxiety left over from high school. Could his lack of email response be some executive functioning thing that never got helped? or just negligence/ laziness?

I am pretty sure this guy is an aspie. I am so annoyed with him because I can relate to his boredom/ loneliness/ isolation, and am frustrated that he just will not let me help him (though he seems to want it.)

Thoughts anyone?

I played guitar in a band for about 3 years. There were four of us. I got to know the bass player a little. e never really hanged out; mainly talked after practice. After the band broke up, I kept in contact with him. He's like your friend, though. For every e-mail you wrote, he'd reply to the 4th or 5th one. very annoying. Like it would kill him to reply or even send a letter. He's not aspie so the lack of reply business is not aspie related. I'm aspie and I definitely reply. Just chalk it up to him not wanting to be bothered. That's how I look a it with the bassist. It sucks because I've been writing stories lately and getting published but there's no one to share that success with. It's like I'm achieving success for nothing.

But it like doesnt make sense to me, because he is so clingy and needy.

Like he has no friends, and is probably bored. I think it may be some executive functioning deal. Could that be?

I have a similar problem with my Aspie husband and daughter. They complain about something, and then when you try to help them they just wont let you help them. Because they never want to go the extra mile to get the help they supposedly need. I wonder if it is just that they love to complain about things (because sometimes it looks like they really love to complain about stuff) or it is just laziness. I do not have the answer. But I can tell you this: you cannot help a person who does not accept your help. You tried... but he did not want to accept your help. Just let it go. Do not continue torturing yourself more about this. Just be there for him. If someday he decides he is going to do something about his loneliness, then you will be there for him.

Asperstatic, 15 e-mails is probably too many e-mails. For someone you don't know, stick to 3-4 tops, or at least wait until you respond. The person may think you're "crazy" sending 15 e-mails out to him that he did not respond to.

Hang out with him 1-on-1 until he is comfortable doing things in a group.

Ask him what he does, and do it with him. Or ask what he wants to do. If he can't think of anything movies work well. Anything open-ended like a party or event is harder.

Work your way up to introducing him to more people, one at a time.

Speaking from 1st hand experience with social anxiety.

Hi these were sent over a period of like 4 months. It is probably more like 7 or 8.

I dont know him really will, but he seems very attached to me and clingy. He says Im like the greatest guy ever, and has kind of a childish and over eager affect about him. I actually slid some info on ASD under his dorm room ( hes never there.) Its also wierd cause when I found him in the library he told me he read them and understood them. Just wonder why not take the courtesy to reply.

And from what I have gathered, he is functionally friendless

Sounds like he is functionally friendless. Don't expect much from the relationship. It's a struggle for him because apparently it sounds like you can sense he wants the friendship, but in another way he does not know how to express or wants to use the energy to make a full fledged friendship out of this. You may want to consider having a 1-1 talk in-person where you discuss your feelings with him on the matter. If he gets turned off because he thinks you're coming off romantically or too strong and you're not both in agreement in any of those manners, then I think the relationship was not meant to be.

There was a person who thought I was coming on to him when I had a talk like this with him. He was somewhat similar to the person you describe now. When I was having the conversation with him, he felt uncomfortable with the whole thing even though he knew he could trust me. He was overwhelmed by how I functioned in society much better for him, was worried about his own issues to the nth degree, and had no interest in opening up or working on things to try to develop a friendship (and to try not to make a big deal about it if it does not work out.) All possibilities were exhausted basically. He thought I was coming on to him until I explained that he doesn't initiate or give the time of day, and that I have to explain all these things because it does not seem like he either knows what's going on emotionally in the situation or just is not interested in friendships or really picky.

I had another experience where another person was like this to a less degree. I would start looking for other interests to fall back on, but there's a really good chance that what should be a good friendship just won't work, and it's probably not anything that you're doing bad.

If he's clingy but doesn't want to compromise on your friendship needs appropriately, then still respect him but just don't interact too much with him if he does not let you.

I am not sure if what your seeing is laziness or fear or a mix of many things. Aspies can be very nervous and inept in social situations. It's weird to many others, but an Aspie can dread going to a party like other people dread going to the dentist for a Root-Canal operation. Physical or Pyschological, pain is pain.

If you feel the urge to persist, I would suggest taking it slow, but consistant. You already have had some success breaking through his shell, but don't want to add aniexty by creating a lot of expectations. If you are thinking about how to help, it may be more useful to work on improving how he relates to others in general, and not so much the two of you in particular. Then it's something he can use indefinately, not just when your around. It can also help avoid misunderstandings and development of dependencies.

Like with the running, try to see if he will agree to a time and day for a just-you-two run. Show up in sweats and encourage him to do it. Don't be surprized if he has already changed his mind or is not there. He may be agreeing to avoid conflict, or he wants to do it, but when it comes down to it balks. Patience is pretty important. Think of it a little like trying to re-socialize a dog that had a previously abusive owner. Who knows what his home life was like, but if he was bullied he was scarred and will be wary. If you can get him to do however, do a few runs just with you two and then switch to adding a third person. Don't give him the option at staying just at you two. Treat it as a sport (social activity) not just development of your friendship.

I did do just a two man run with him. I have sat with him at the school cafeteria and have heard about his hard life, and his interest in politics, sports and religion.

Its frustrating now, because apart from emails I have no way of contacting him. I gave him my phone number though.

On a different note, I think he would benefit enormously from an official diagnosis. I wonder where I would refer him to in order to get one? Hes about 19-20 so how does one get diagnosed at that age?

Any thoughts?