I really am on the wrong planet

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I've never been the kind of person that talks about his problems to anyone. I guess bottling stuff up like that has a lot to do with the way I can't keep my mouth shut on these forums. I know you've all gone through the same thing I am, and I'm sorry for the ranting. It's just the stress getting to me. Everything sort of caught up to me today.

After years of painstaking observation and practice, I think I've pretty much mastered acting like an NT. You'd think this would make things easier for me, but it really doesn't. I'm not an NT, and while I can pass myself off as one, I hate every minute of it. I don't understand NTs. I can't stand the horrible music they listen to. I can't stand the stupid looks they get on their faces when something surprises them. I can't stand their stupid pointless rituals. I don't know why they act like their future doesn't matter. I don't know how they can keep a straight face when they say 'I love you' to their fourth, fifth, and sixth girl- or boyfriend this year.

I wish I could tell one person, just one, that yes, I spent the entire weekend alone, reading books and listening to music, and yes, I enjoyed it very much thank you, and to be able to say it unashamedly, and for them to not look at me like I'm insane. I know lots of you have found partners that you can relate to, and that gives me hope, I suppose. Sometimes it just seems like I'm the only aspie within a hundred miles. I can't find anyone who's willing to appreciate the part of me that isn't acting like an NT all the time, and it's totally destroying my sense of self-worth. What good am I if the only half of me that people care about is the half that I hate being the most? I'm sick of this charade.

I think I need to go lay down in a darkened room and listen to some Polyphonic Spree at an unhealthy volume or I'm going to snap.

I used to feel the same way (not so much anymore).

I now live by the Kurt Cobain quote "it is better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for what you're not."

In December 2004 I decided to completely accept my AS and stop any NT acting.

The first few weeks were bumpy but I feel so much better now.

I have high hopes that I will meet cute girls who are attracted to the real me.

I wish I was in a position where I could act normally. In a perfect world I wouldn't bother with trying to keep any NT friends, but acting along with the crowd helps in more ways than just having friends. Having a reputation for being severely antisocial, especially in a college dorm is bound to make life a lot harder.

I know some people who enjoy reading books and listening to music all weekend, and they are not aspies. It is probably just harder to find people like this because, well, they are in their room all weekend reading books or listening to music .

Are there any clubs you could join that fall into your interests, ghotistix? A friend of mine started an anime club at our school because she was very interested in anime (and so was I and some of our other friends), and it drew in a lot of people with similiar interests. Perhaps you can find people who like to talk about the things you like to talk about by joining a group or club like that.

I can't even pretend to be NT. Though sometimes when things are going well I have wondered maybe I'm just a hypochondriac and I just tell myself I have Asperger's when I'm depressed, there come other times when I can't figure out what people are doing or people give me funny looks (not to mention the dx) that make me realize that I can't be "normal."

Even on these boards where, granted I <i> am </i> talking (which is more than I've done on other boards) but I still have this nasty feeling I'm talking <i> at </i> people instead of <i> to </i> them.

Until 15 i figured i was an NT(if i had known what one was). I always knew however that i was different. When i was diagnosed with AS, i thought that i was a freak and i hated myself. But like Winston Churchill said, "How can a man help the way he was born." Liking or hating it i was a lifelong aspie so i began to look at the positive. I was gifted, intelligent and the fact that i thought differently was cool. So what if i dont have a million friends like my older brother whom everybody loves and adores. it would later become relevant that whether you love me or hate me does not matter cuz everybody respects me for what i have done. i have maybe half a dozen close friends and one close friend is better than infinite acqaintances.
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I had one close friend and a lot of acquaintances in high school. In terms of interests, my friend and I were practically polar opposites. But we would be able to have these long, rambling conversations about pretty much anything. Other times we wouldn't talk at all for hours on end, and it was a comfortable silence. I doubt he had AS, but we thought along the same lines, and I think we got around to talking trash about pretty much every single super-happy mega-popular uber-NT person in the school for all the stupid backwards stuff they did. Here in college I haven't found anyone like that, so I've got a bunch of acquaintances that mean nothing to me, and no real friends.

Civet, that anime club sounds like a lot of fun. I joined the Electronic Gaming Club because I have a passing interest in PC games, but it's a miserably managed club. I don't really care about relating with people's interests anyway. I prefer to hang out with those rare, brutally honest people who just refuse to see the world through rose-tinted glasses.

Lucky you.
I know. It doesn't just cover-up the fact that we are not meeting minds. You can really feel alone in a crowd like that. In fact, I hate being in a crowd for the most part.
While I don't mind what they do, I don't feel like doing what they do, either. Although, I am not sure what you mean about "their music" - I like a lot of different types of music.
Oh, I do know what you mean about that! Still, I feel that a sparse few of them have meaning I can apreciate.. "Please" and "thank you", hand shaking, stuff like that is okay to me.
They act like a lot of things don't matter, as far as I'm concerned. The future is just one of them. They are trapped in the race to be "cool" ...poor things. well, I think alot of them can mean it. Some people can even be polygamous or polyamorous, but I understand that they can't get themselve to be openly different enough to make themselves happy.
Yup. I have had a hard time getting up to telling my hubby I like having most of the day "to myself" i.e. with the kids, but having my own mental space.
I do have a partner, but I can't honestly say I ALWAYS can relate to him, but I do relate to him better than most people can relate to each other. And we love each other deeply, which is the most important thing, IMO.
I am just now learning to let me be myself at home.
I can relate to that feeling.

Couldn't agree with everything you wrote more if I tried.

I too am pretty good at outwardly appearing NT, and used to feel very awkward answering those "what did you do at the weekend" questions.... Nowadays though I just simply say "I did nothing whatsoever and loved every second of it, so stick that up your drainpipe and unblock it" and leave it at that (well, I maybe don't say the last bit everytime..... ) - I think its definitely better policy than making stuff up.... I also don't understand NT behaviour in the least bit either - the constant, blatant lies and insincerity, the pointless obsession with fashion and outward appearances, the constant need to talk incessantly to anyone and everyone about complete triviality and inanity, the need to be always seen to be "doing" something or "going" somewhere, the morbid fear of ever doing anything that make them appear different to anybody else etc. etc. I just grin and bear it as best as possible and get on with it.....

Hahahha, mind if I borrow that quote?

I'm afraid its ©TAFKASH Enterprises Inc. If you like, you can PM me and we can discuss a franchise deal though.......

Oooooh crikey, look at that - I used a special character! I feel so pleased

I don't get most of stuff NTs do, but what I've wondered most about is this: Why do the other girls my age walk around in packs? They don't even go to the bathroom alone.

For the most part, I act like myself. Occasionally it is necessary to act NT. It is sometimes better to 'be NT' in social situations. When I am talking to a person I don't know well, I think I concentrate on as much nonverbal communication as I can. The idea of not thinking about my difficulties when I am having a conversation with someone new actually makes me more nervous. The truth is to properly execute unfamiliar social situations, we have to act like we are NT.

The downside to acting NT, is stress. If I put on the facade to long, I feel like I am going to go into meltdown. That is why when I am around my family, friends, and other people I feel comfortable with (generally people who know I have AS), I am myself. Of course, even with them I can't entirely be myself. Before my diagnosis, I was thought to be cold, unfriendly, and uncaring. Around them, I am still an Aspie. I try to be more aware of what I do socially.

I started rambling. I hope that made sense. Sorry.

Why don't NTs wanna be like us? Because it would be interesting if we were the majority. I can asure you, this world would be much more efficient.
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I dunno, but it does suck being the lone wolf sometimes.
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It makes perfect sense, in fact it's the way I am to a T. I have to say I never thought so much of my own behaviors were part of AS and not just weird tendencies in my personality. It's great to find that out.