When to end a friendship?

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I've recently had a friendship that I'm not sure if I want to keep anymore. It was a real struggle thinking it through. It's difficult for me to decide to end a friendship at the right times because I sometimes have trouble understanding if someone's behaviour is appropriate or normal. I also find I try and hold onto friendships even after the time to do so has long past. I've heard others complain about the same problems, and the article below helped me decide in my case, maybe it'll help some of you too. If anyone has suggestions or person experiences they want to add on when to end friendships or when a friendship is unhealthy, it'd be great.


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/melanie-g ... 97041.html

the short form version is

1. It's one sided, you're always the only one in the friendship calling, facebooking, sending e-mails etc.

2. Dishonest (this one can be hard to tell for some of us but I think if the things your friend tells you often don't fit together well, or if their statements don't fit in well with what you see, it's probably not a good idea to give the benefit of the doubt too often.)

3 The friend is overly critical - some criticism is good - but too much can be hurtful. Some people are overly critical.

4. Life events or values change in such a way that you don't enjoy each other's company. (This one I don't understand but I suppose it happens sometimes It could be a reason why someone might not like us anymore or want to spend time with us, so we should accept it and let them go).

5. You feel calmer, happier and more alive without them. This one might be harder for some Aspies, I think if someone perfers being alone or friendless, this can be unhealthy. But if you do have some friends you enjoy and feel calmer, happier and more alive without this particular friend, then it's a good idea.

Thanks for posting this, viv. After reading points 4 and 5, I've realized I have to try to work something out with my relationships with women and even my girlfriend, but it's getting difficult. Even after reading Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus, I'm still missing some key elements. Here's the issue:

I sometimes am silent and just listening to a friend of mine when she talks because I don't feel good about some of the things she talks about, yet apparently, I have to listen, take all the frustration from the unnecessary elaboration in, and feel miserable afterwards. If it
happens enough times, I eventually blow up and have to get my feelings or response out. I hate feeling miserable when she tells me her issues or problems. I get that with my mom and my sister too. And while I had another female friend, I felt depressed hanging out with her
because she'd be the biggest drama queen ever. Maybe I just have this issue with sucking in pain or dark feelings from women that are friends of mine and I only have the ability to ride those feelings out (but sadly I hurt others, sometimes unintentionally because I pick up on my friends' hurts). I want to think more positively even during those times. That's why if I can respond in some conversations, I try to keep it light, not say much, and focus on the solution or a positive outcome so it doesn't affect either of us any longer. But then another subject of
frustration or sadness comes up. Sometimes it happens with quite a few of our discussions and it gets to me. Maybe I need some therapy for this, but I'm not sure. I know when talking to women, you need to listen to them, but eventually, I have to say something and I have to control my negative responses and feelings when they come up. But I have no idea how in the hell to do it.

I've come to realize something else too. Over the time when I've hung out with a negative friend, I change a lot as a person. Last year, I dated someone for a bit and I've changed in a way that I was not expecting after the break-up. I'm easily offended by things. I'm offended by a form of Christianity that I shouldn't even be offended with; a religion I should just turn the other cheek to even though I should never conform to certain parts of it. I'm starting to worry about things that I shouldn't worry about. I'm starting not to care about poor people and I'd rather turn people away than forgive them. I'm worried about not being able to leave things behind and still I have to leave them behind. I'm almost scared of a person who disapproved of me dating and that person always seems to show up when I don't want that person there. I sing more dirges and less upbeat music. I try to use my disability as an excuse for stupidity or doing something I want
to do but shouldn't be doing. I don't feel good sitting through a church service like I used to. I don't hear God enough. I feel like all I'm going to do in life is go to church and then die without doing anything to really changing people's lives. I used to have such a drive to travel, reach out to people and friends, go hang out at social groups, do crazy fun things like perform in front of a crowd and be an adventurer, but now I only spend time with a few friends rather than have a good time on a Saturday night every so often. My college classmates loved to hang out with me, and now over half of them hate me or are upset with me. It's hard to pray and hard to read the Bible. And I even have the urge to listen to hard angry music because I'm so angry or depressed. Sometimes I feel dirty just like a woman who lost her virginity. I've become negative and I don't know what to do.

Should I end those friendships that cause me to be like this or should I go into therapy to find some way to control my own feelings? I still feel okay to hang out with friends when they're positive. It's just the negativity that bothers me.

Any insight would help.

Hi, Aarpar, I am a believer myself and I know what it is like to feel awkward around someone. My advice to you is that you need to be honest to the person who you don't feel comfortable around. Even if things have been tense, just be honest with them even if the other person gets angry at you for a while. You know why, because the other person will heal and also grow somewhere else. I would also suggest praying more about this situation. I would also try to best I can to avoid the other person at all costs and invest your time in people who like you.

As for letting people go Viv, I am in the same boat. I most recently and it was last week in fact. I cut all ties with this person for various reasons. We were friends for 8 years and she was a good person. The reasons I let her go

1. She grew obsessed with me and called me every night on both my cell phone and home phone various times if I did not answer or return her calls. She also earned the privilege to text me and over did it. This was especially when I was busy with other people or out.

It was always, "I want you," and "Where are you?" On those texts

2. She also was not listening when I would ask her to stop calling and texting me so much and even agreed to follow the rules many times but failed to.

3. She lived with her parents who were overly protective of her and also didn't really like me. It was also one sided where I would invite her to things, her parents failed to invite me back to things at their house but everyone else seemed more important

4. Towards the end, my friend stopped coming to my things but never really gave me an up front reason. However, I caught my friend changing her story that contradicted itself.

I just ended the friendship last week because of reason 1 and 4 played a role and I finally just said, "Forget it."

The best time to let things go is when you start seeing things that get out of hand, or if you and the other person are bringing the worst out in each other.

Some of those reasons have applied to some of the ended friendships I have had. However, I have simply chosen to walk away silently and without saying a word more often than not. If they didn't want to understand me and decided that they didn't want to deal with any issue, why bother talking about it.

I had a friendship that ended a few years ago because it was so one-sided. I was always the one calling him and even when I asked to do things most of the time he would say he was busy and couldn't find a time when he wasn't. I finally blew up at him when he agreed to do something with me, didn't show up, and when I called him an hour later, then he cancelled. We haven't spoken since. Now I worry that all my friendships are going to become like that. With my current friends, it's very rare that they ask me to do anything with them, but they don't say no when I ask if I can tag along. I can deal with that as long as it doesn't deteriorate into what happened with the other friend.

This happens to me sometimes too, but I realized it's not good to blow up at people - no matter how bad their behaviour is. That's why I look into this, it's a way to walk away from potentially bad situations beforehand so that the blow up doesn't happen.

Not sure, it's good to listen when friends have problems, but at the same time overly negative people can be draining and can cause problems if you spend too much time with them. If the friendship is making you feel bad, that's not what it's supposed to do, maybe it's a good time to walk away.

I had a one sided relationship like Rockdrummer is talking about.

There was one time where she and I would do things. Then she ended up going to an vocational school for people with disabilities. When she was down there, my friend met some other people and they appeared to be more important when she came back. She also would call upon returning home and I would invite her but she would always say, "Unfortunately, I have xyz sorry. Maybe another time." She also joined the military and was getting ready to leave. So I tried to reach out and meet her for dinner and a movie before getting ready to ship off. She gave me this excuse that she was too busy by getting ready to stay at a friend's house to work with a personal trainer for her physical. It was like nothing I had done seemed to matter. I finally just blew up at her by leaving her a message on her cell phone a few days before she left. She also would never keep promises and broke several on me. For example, she promised to write to me while she was in boot camp doing basic and never did. She also never called me. When she got out of basic, is when I heard from her. The main reason why she did not follow through was because she was homesick for her mom and her mom was all she felt like calling. I knew that was an excuse because she had her boyfriend and a few other friend so she had to have been calling other people and writing them.

I was not high on her list anymore and was not really reliable. So I ended the relationship with her.

Last edited by Summer_Twilight on 15 Jul 2012, 12:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

I end friendships with people all the time.

They keep telling me things I could never understand or even WANT to....

If and when you do leave the person, do not be impolite or cruel or angry to them, because otherwise that could make you become the bad guy too. Just focus on doing your own thing and avoiding contact with the person. How you should tell the person you're leaving (if you should even tell them at all) depends on the context of your situation and how you and maybe how the other person feels too. In general society, most people will say something that sounds nice rather than be brutally honest, but there really is a time and place for each.

Well said and I am working on that.

The key seems to be that we do not get mad about it. I read that with Aspies, we don't show our emotions well so NTs can't tell when we're angry or upset about something. So we should identify when things are getting bad and deal with these things before we start to get angry or emotional. . . because I don't think any of us wants to blow up at someone for any reason. I know I don't. The best is just to walk away quietly without confrontation.

I have ended a couple of friendships for those same reasons you describe and usually it's for the best..my advice is do whats right for you!!

S

:O :O I swear I saw myself throughout BOTH of your posts right there!! I can honestly say I went through almost the exact same thing!! To a degree, it has had a larger impact on who I am at the end of the day...what are the odds of that?!?