say they want to hang out - and later avoid you?

Post Reply New Topic

I had this happen a few times - people tell me they really want to see me or ask me to invite them places, but when I do invite them, they either become non-responsive to my invite or become reluctant to come along. Does this happen to anyone else? What motivates this behaviour? What's the appropriate way to deal with a situation like this - should there be continued invites or should an assumption be made that they are not worth being around?

Is this a part of normal NT behaviour or does it suggest a flaky or questionable personality?

Could you give an example more in detail?

I've suffered from this a lot in my life, so much that nowadays at the first sign of incongruence I drop them like a hot iron.

Why they do this?
I think some people do this mainly because they're constantly trying to make sure they have backup plans should they find themselves lonely at some point. People like to know that there is someone there somewhere waiting to meet them, even if they don't need that person in their lives right now, to feel appreciated, accepted and not alone, be able to say they have tons of friends. People like to be chased, makes them feel popular and reassures them.

I despise people who play this kind of unfair games with my feelings to improve THEIR feelings. It's one way people use others for self-gain (increasing THEIR good feelings at the expense of YOUR feelings). So if they ever call me again I tell them I'm on another call and will get back in a few minutes, and of course I leave them hanging. I don't do this for revenge, but to make sure that next time they do this to someone, they know there are consequences. I believe in teaching people a lesson.

How to act?
I wouldn't extend an invitation more than once. It's also the accepted (unspoken) thing in society that if the first time you take the initiative they aren't responsive to it and meeting doesn't materialize because of them (for whatever reason in the world, even force majeur), it is them who have to make the next initiative. Otherwise it means they're not interested and you, rather than nice, are seen as a lonely nudge with little self-esteem, or in worst-case scenarios, as a stalker.

This rule is a lot more flexible when it's someone pursuing someone as a love interest. The pursuer is seen as ok if he/she insists 2-3 times.

I wanted to clarify that, in NT society, people assume you know this rule instinctively, that you're like other NTs. This is why they start seeing you in a negative light if you insist - they think you're purposefully ignoring this rule of etiquette and their feelings of being pressured. Some clueless aspies could get an aggressive reaction like: "How many times do I have to say NO for you to understand I'm not interested?!"

Thank you so much moondust for your detailed response - this clarifys the senario alot and I believe it will be very helpful in avoiding future situations like these.