" I wanted to want to" as a reason for breaking pr

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I am in a very difficult relationship with an Aspie. We are friends, sometimes. We have been lovers in the past and now, we're like estranged brother and sister.

Lately, he's been really absorbed in his computer and was holding onto a resentment against me from 4 months ago. We usually see each other every two weeks for a few hours.

We saw each other Sunday and had, what I thought, was a good day. He committed to not breaking any more promises but by Monday, he had already broke a promise to me.

He explained that when he makes promises (and breaks them), it's because *at the time* he "wanted to want to do ____" but when it came right down to doing ______, he didn't want to.

I feel like all his talk was meaningless and I don't know why. He had every opportunity to be honest and set limits/boundaries but instead told me what I wanted to hear and didn't follow through.

Can anyone address this "I wanted to want to" idea and the idea of saying anything in the moment and then having no integrity behind it?

Thanks.

I can't speak for your friend, but I know that I've broken promises in the past in the same way as you describe. Basically, I made a promise, and I really meant to keep it. And usually it works out fine. But sometimes, for some unfathomable reason, when it comes down to actually do it I just can't bring myself to do it. I try it, I even organise myself around doing what I promised, and still fail to do so. And trying to force myself is counter-productive: I will hate what I'm doing and will do a bad job of it. It's like the will to do it is totally gone, and even remembering that I made a promise will not bring it back. It's like my brains just refuse to concentrate on the job I need to do. It's truly crippling, as if your brains is actually doing its best to work against you.

Usually, this happens when what I'm asked to do has a strong social component (like calling someone on the phone, something I really hate doing, especially when it's someone I don't already know). I go through periods where I really can't bring myself to get in contact with strangers (it's nearly physically painful for me to do so), and if what I promised to do falls in such a period, I just won't be able to bring myself to do it.
It also happens when what I'm asked to do is actually breaking some routine I have. I can manage, but it will take me more than one try. Even if I really want it, it will take me quite a lot of time to actually break a habit. It may take years. So if the person I promised expects a direct result, they will likely be disappointed.

One thing that people usually don't understand is that when I make a promise I fully intend to keep it. I don't make promises lightly. But what makes me break my promises, even if it's purely an internal problem like a lack of will, feels very much external to me. It's not something I can control. Believe me, I'd be much happier if I could control it.

Nowadays, I try to avoid making promises. But sometimes, I feel I have no choice, especially if making the promise makes the person very happy. I crave being liked, and have difficulties thinking of the consequences of what I say, especially in the heat of the moment.

As I wrote, I can't speak for your friend, but my guess is that he simply means what he says: he wants so much to be liked by you (probably because he likes you) that he'll make promises just to make you happy, not thinking about the consequences. Setting limits/boundaries would feel like letting you down in advance, and that's something he can't bring himself to do. I know the feeling.

Also, don't forget that Aspies usually have a lot of difficulty relating to other people's feelings. Thinking about the feelings resulting from our future actions is not something we can normally do, so we'll focus on immediate feelings, and forget about what will happen in the future. in other words, we'll tend to want to make people happy right now, even if it means they'll get hurt in the future, rather than feel like we're hurting them right now.

I can't pretend it makes sense to a NT person. What I can tell you at least is that it's not "making excuses".

That's why I don't like to make promises. What I think I want to do forever now may well not seem so appealing given some time.

What you have to do now is adjust your expectations, ask him what he does want now, if anything, and if the two of you can't come to middle ground or acceptance, then so be it. And ask him not to make promises he can't keep.

Same here. I never make promises for that reason. I stick to 'i'll try my best to...' because sometimes i can't face the things i wanted to do.

wow! thank you all so much for your very thoughtful responses. TSELA- what you describe is how he describes it also and Wanderer, you're so right, he can't even keep agreements with himself. i feel a bit better now. here's another question- before valentine's, he said he was going to get me a valentine's gift and then he didn't. and he didn't seem to remember saying he would. now, i'm not a materialistic person and i don't care about the actual present but i was so thrilled that he was going to get me something after 2.5 years of me getting everything for him. i thought we were making some kind of progress in communication, reciprocation, etc...but now i guess he was just saying something in the moment to make me look foward to valentine's day? he showed up and we hung out and did some computer stuff and he gave me a massage (clothes on) but no present. it just seems to difficult for him keep his word. the other day, he promised to bring something to me and he left his house without it. stuff like this tests my patience. i really love him and i want to be more understanding and forgiving but it's been 2.5 years and i'm kinda feeling "what's the point in trying to continue a friendship that feels so one-sided?" i have told him not to make promises but he wants me to make them to him. and i do. and i keep them all. grrrrr. and THANKS!! !! !

He sounds a lot like me. Probably has problems with certain memory/attention things and stuff that require a fully functioning executive function faculty.

again, thanks so much for your replies. it's just so frustrating to wait for communication that doesn't come. we had an email exchange last week that was very significant- it was about how to fix our friendship.
on sunday, he said he would reply to my last email by monday night. it's now wednesday morning.
this is so discouraging. not only that, he hasn't called or texted me since our "make up" date on sunday. i'm more than certain, however, that he's been talking to a family member the whole time so it's not that he's shut down. he said this family member was his #1 go-to person now (it used to be me) and i was #2. he said sometimes he just can't get past her, it's too hard to reach out to anyone else. i don't know whether his excuse is actually real or just an excuse to make me feel better somehow. for 2 years, i was his #1 person and i've been demoted. it's scary with me though, i challenge him. i push him to reflect. his family member just accepts him however he is without any pressure. on some level, i think she's enabling him in his blob-dom and that's a safe space. it seems he sure needs alot of down time/processing time but it also seems he's completely addicted to computer/video games/wikipedia and CHOOSES to shut everyone else out for weeks at a time. the other day, he had his head in my lap and i was stroking his hair. now, i'm just this invisible nothing waiting for an email. sigh.

I'd rather promise to try, or make an effort. So that way you can say that you're trying but you don't have to have the pressure of exerting a full effort and commitment.

again, everyone, thanks. moog- i didn't mean to imply that i'm pressuring him to CHANGE but he does need to get his life together and figure out how to do college or a job or SOMETHING so he doesn't disappear into wikipedia and never come out.

i learned of a part job time that would be amazing for him that pays very well and is only a few hours a week tutoring a child with autism. he still has not replied yes, no, or maybe if he wants to learn more about the position, in fact, he hasn't replied at all to me about it even though it's GREAT money and a very good opportunity for him to build his resume. not a peep.

That sounds all right, can I have that Job if he doesn't want it?

I don't know what else to say really. It's a lot easier to follow the path of least resistance into wikipedia than to do challenging things like getting a Job.

How do you encourage an aspie? My life is dominated by my interests. If I don't absolutely have to do something that doesn't interest me I find it sooo hard. I tend to need to feel like I have no choice but to do other things.

if you're near san francisco, sure you can probably have the job!

This is still an issue with us. It never ends. This Friday, he said he would call me at 11am to confirm our afternoon hang out time and then he didn't call me until 12:30pm because he got caught up blogging about an interest. I am considering suggesting that if he does not call me (in the future) within 30 minutes of our pre-arranged time, I will just consider our plans cancelled. I need some kind of reliability and limits to his lack of respect (or flaking) and wasting my time.
Does that seem unfair or reasonable?