Inconsistent Feedback

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Was going to lump this into the 'Don't Be So Serious' thread, but... It got me thinking about a more general theme that's driven me intermittently crazy for -- Uh, well, as long as I can remember (And I can remember phone numbers from kindergarden).

Yes, I've been told that I'm too serious and/or humorless. I've also been told that I don't take things seriously enough. I've been told I never talk or laugh, then been told that I rant on and on and laugh at everything.

Now, I have a decent intellectual construct around this -- People see different aspects at different times, they generalize, they change their minds, etc.

It still stresses me out because of the part that's difficult to get others to understand. I have NO sense of how I'm coming across to people. It's a blind spot. If I'm talking to you, I really have no idea if you're enjoying the experience or wishing it were legal to punch me in the neck until I went away. Thus, I rely -heavily- on feedback. Little subtle clues don't WORK. By feedback, I mean telling me directly, "You are a big fat jerk." Or, "You're quite charming." Or... whatever.

But, and I do get the reasoning -- People are trying to be polite, or don't really know me that well, or maybe it's just a mean-spirited/kind-hearted person... In addition to having problems reading the situation, I have problems determining who to listen to in the first place. A complete stranger could be more objective, perhaps? But who's to say THAT person isn't under one of the above influences?

... and that's even BEFORE the inconsistency I'm talking about starts to play a part. (Then people wonder why I get so exhausted socializing.)

Something weird that strikes me is that I don't necessarily care as much about what people think as this whole rant might imply. I could just as easily be complaining about innacurate traffic signs. (And I suddenly REALLY like that analogy. No left turn. Must turn left. Damnit!)

Add to our blindness to subtle feedback the fact that verbal feedback is so hard to get and so unreliable - because many people, if not almost all, have an instinctive reaction to you, so when asked for feedback, having to say "something", they just hold on to something they didn't like at one time or another, which is not the essence of what's really going on. When asking for feedback on why they didn't want to be my friends, I've been told I'm too X and too the opposite of X by different people. That's why when therapists say "Just ask her!", it's ridiculous advice.

Yeah, 'Just Ask' is absurd. Extreme for-instance:

Back before I got married, I'd sort of committed myself to the ideal of Having a Relationship. Being stubborn and sufficiently obsessive -- I went on 12 first dates over the course of that year. And precisely zero second dates. I don't look like a deformed amphibian or anything, so it had to be something else. Considering that these were people who'd just enthusiastically gush about hanging out with me again before refusing to ever return a phone call -- 'Just Ask' wasn't even an option on the table. Humor value in my wife being First Date #13 doesn't escape me.

But, yeah... I've even had the same individual tell me contradictory things. I'm too blah and not enough blah. Well THAT'S helpful.

Nagging anxiety: They might not even know. People don't like to give, "I don't really know" as an answer, be it through not wanting to look ignorant or genuinely wanting to provide some sort of helpful answer. If that sort of social sense really is an intuitive thing, they might NOT have a solid cognitive grasp of what I'm asking for. Kind of like trying to explain to someone how to walk.

(It's kinda funny/disconcerting how alien that thought is to me, now that I'm really thinking about it. Being able to just naturally grasp that interpersonal whatever without having to stand there with that Nipper the Dog head tilt at someone while trying to analyze a few dozen possible interpretations of their actions.)

I think we humans are very unaware of what it is that bothers us in another person, unless it's very blatant. It often requires a lot of work, which means a lot of willingness to help you, to search for the real reason. And NTs hate soul-searching even if it's crucial for their lives, let alone when it's to help someone they don't like.

Same here. My impression has always been that NT's use a kind of secret language i don't understand. Meanwhile i've realized they are mirroring each other and the resulting impression has a real impact on their state.

However, i don't need a feedback about my person. It would be much more helpful to establish exact feedback about the content of a communication. Just a simple yes or no instead of a facial expression i can't interpret anyway would do the trick.

Mirroring is strange to me. I mean, it's definitely in my toolbox and has interesting impact on communication. It was actually one of my early adaptive strategies (I remember my dad talking to me about adopting various accents and how it would offend people who thought I was making fun of them).

Thing is, particularly in one-on-one interactions, I can readily go into that mode -- Though it feels inauthentic most of the time. To truncate a long meandering thought on the matter, I can end up being more charming/likeable with people I genuinely do not give a crap about. BECAUSE it feels inauthentic and manipulative to perform the little social dance.

That make any kind of sense to anyone else?

Thank you for writing this. I have been trying to explain this to my family for ages! They keep on telling me "oh people love you" "you are attractive" "you will find someone". I try telling them, well i am 33 and i have not found some yet. I even went through arranged marriage, nothing panned. In my community people will suggest proposals of people they think are "good marriage material", with me people refused to get involved even when asked by my mom. But the feedback is either "you were too picky" or "it will happen". What confuses me is how can i be picky when i have never said no and how will it happen when it has not happened yet.



This is exactly what i feel. I have been told in the past that people dont like me as i dont behave like them but no one seems to want to be direct. I literally reached rock bottom a year back when i was so anxious that i kept on asking but no one was telling. Even people whose job was to give feedback refused to give feedback (job appraisals). My senior who was acting as my therapist told me, "it is not you, it is them" and i was like "then why am i the one getting in trouble and not them!". So i decided to not bother about anyone. I reduced my socialization. I try not to think how i come across, but then i fear i will be completely alone as "i am not making any attempts".

It is literally a no win situation right now.