communication skills + emotions

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I feel that I lash out quite often when my parents are trying to help me out. I automatically become defensive cause I misinterpret the tone of their voice as judgemental
rather than concerned.

I find it hard to tell the difference between concerned and judged

Does anyone else here have the same problem as me ?

I think everyone everywhere has that problem, lol.

Negative speech is extremely difficult even for experts to get right. How do you correct someone's behavior or express concern without implying negative feelings about the person?

You may have a particularly hard time dealing with it. I do too, to some extent, I'm quite sensitive to criticism. I always try to look at it from the other person's view, and think "how could I have said it nicer if I were them?" If there's a way to, I might talk with them later (after first dealing with the substance of their criticism) and suggest the different wording. Say "I can get pretty sensitive about that, and I was worried when you said it. I know this is kind of weird, but in the future could you try saying it like this instead? [blah blah blah] That way I'd react more positively and I think it'd work better for both of us." Or something with that basic sentiment.

Of course, then you're criticizing THEM, haha. So once again it's very difficult.

Some adults can even react more poorly to that than you can.

I will note this interesting example: you know how in military movies you see drill instructors in boot camp being very harsh and critical? The American military has actually worked very hard over the centuries to figure out just how to present criticism in such a way that it creates positive outcomes. They have the luxury of being able to boot out recruits who can't handle the criticism sufficiently, but it's interesting that even they have trouble with the balancing act.

And every drill instructor in history has received more training for that position than your parents received for theirs.

And when you're a parent someday, you'll be in exactly the same boat, haha.

So just remember, you aren't alone, and the uncertainty probably isn't just on your side.

(Though, of course, none of this diminishes the right of your parents to correct or criticize you. We're just talking about how to talk about it, and how to feel about it.)

I feel tone is much more important than what is actually being said. I saw a concert of Little Richard once where he said " don't you think Richard Simmons looks gay"? The audience laughed and Little Richard said "shut-up". But if I said shut-up to someone (and said it sorta forcefully), they would probably get angry that I was talking to them that way. If someone uses a judgemental tone with you I feel it is good to let them know and why it bothers you. I think this serves 2 purposes; 1- it forces a dialogue with them and 2- if reinforces the fact the person needs to be respectful when talking to you.


P.S. I realize the analogy is about older people but so am I.