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politeness makes me seem naive?

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Merculangelo
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28 Jul 2012, 9:58 pm

It seems like often when I try to be polite that people talk to me like I'm a child. I asked a girl where the nearest soda machine was that has orange soda. Is this not something an adult would ask? Is it probably the way I said it?

Also, it just seems like when I am polite and actually say things the way I want to, that people react strangely, as if they thought I'm from a different country.



sacrip
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28 Jul 2012, 11:17 pm

It's not politeness that's causing your problem, it's likely your impression on others when you talk. I suspect your speech sounds a bit artificial, like you're reading a phrase out off a foreign language phrasebook instead of speaking your native tongue. I know "Talk more naturally" isn't helpful advice when I can't tell you HOW to talk naturally (at least not with out hearing you practice), but try and notice the difference between how you talk to people you know well and strangers. When you're speaking to your peers (men or women about your own age) trying too hard to be polite makes you seem off-putting.

Obviously, you don't want to say, "Where the f**k can I get some orange soda around here?", but, "Pardon me, could you tell me where I could locate a vending machine with orange soda?" would strike me as almost too polite if you're not speaking to an employee or a superior. Again, the key is a polite but relaxed tone, almost non-committal, like you're not too terribly concerned if you don't get the orange soda or not. So you go to the machine, look at the choices, turn to the girl next to you and say, "Hey, are there any machines with orange soda round here?" And if she doesn't answer with an immediate "Yes" then smile, say "OK, thanks anyways" and move on. Remember, you're putting a complete stranger on the spot, so try not to tie them up for more than a few seconds.


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28 Jul 2012, 11:35 pm

Merculangelo wrote:
It seems like often when I try to be polite that people talk to me like I'm a child. I asked a girl where the nearest soda machine was that has orange soda. Is this not something an adult would ask? Is it probably the way I said it?

Also, it just seems like when I am polite and actually say things the way I want to, that people react strangely, as if they thought I'm from a different country.


I knew a man once who had a tendency to elongate his words and drag them out such that he sounded mentally impaired, however he was of average intelligence. Perhaps this is the problem?



Nikkt
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29 Jul 2012, 4:39 am

sacrip wrote:
It's not politeness that's causing your problem, it's likely your impression on others when you talk. I suspect your speech sounds a bit artificial, like you're reading a phrase out off a foreign language phrasebook instead of speaking your native tongue. I know "Talk more naturally" isn't helpful advice when I can't tell you HOW to talk naturally (at least not with out hearing you practice), but try and notice the difference between how you talk to people you know well and strangers. When you're speaking to your peers (men or women about your own age) trying too hard to be polite makes you seem off-putting.

Obviously, you don't want to say, "Where the f**k can I get some orange soda around here?", but, "Pardon me, could you tell me where I could locate a vending machine with orange soda?" would strike me as almost too polite if you're not speaking to an employee or a superior. Again, the key is a polite but relaxed tone, almost non-committal, like you're not too terribly concerned if you don't get the orange soda or not. So you go to the machine, look at the choices, turn to the girl next to you and say, "Hey, are there any machines with orange soda round here?" And if she doesn't answer with an immediate "Yes" then smile, say "OK, thanks anyways" and move on. Remember, you're putting a complete stranger on the spot, so try not to tie them up for more than a few seconds.


^This is good advice. I know a girl who falls over herself to be super polite and self effacing that she ends up appearing as the complete opposite - super arrogant and attention-seeking...in short - a child. Even though I'm an aspie and I suspect she is too, it never fails to irritate me.


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01 Aug 2012, 11:31 pm

I always assumed people thought politeness was strange because it's not very common in modern society. I don't think they know how to react right away. Maybe that's why they look at you strangely.

I think that if you enjoy being polite, you should just behave the way you like and not worry too much about how others perceive you.



Tequila
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02 Aug 2012, 4:57 am

sacrip wrote:
"Hey, are there any machines with orange soda round here?"


I find "'Scuse me mate, do you know where the orangeade machine is?" (after reply) "Ta." or "Alright, no problem." works well.



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02 Aug 2012, 1:28 pm

Quote:
Obviously, you don't want to say, "Where the f**k can I get some orange soda around here?", but, "Pardon me, could you tell me where I could locate a vending machine with orange soda?" would strike me as almost too polite if you're not speaking to an employee or a superior. Again, the key is a polite but relaxed tone, almost non-committal, like you're not too terribly concerned if you don't get the orange soda or not. So you go to the machine, look at the choices, turn to the girl next to you and say, "Hey, are there any machines with orange soda round here?" And if she doesn't answer with an immediate "Yes" then smile, say "OK, thanks anyways" and move on. Remember, you're putting a complete stranger on the spot, so try not to tie them up for more than a few seconds.


There you go. Politeness and manners have changed a lot. Some of the core principals remain the same like the golden rule, but practicing the manners of 1920's high society will get you looked at funny.

I studied two years of Japanese and then went to Japan. When I spoke to the Japanese teens, they thought it was funny because we learned formal Japanese instead of street Japanese. For example:

They would say "Hey, I"ll call you around 6."

I said "Hello, I shall telephone you around 6pm."

It's all about "When in Rome Do as the Romans Do"



AngelKnight
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02 Aug 2012, 4:37 pm

thewhitrbbit wrote:
I studied two years of Japanese and then went to Japan. When I spoke to the Japanese teens, they thought it was funny because we learned formal Japanese instead of street Japanese. For example:

They would say "Hey, I"ll call you around 6."

I said "Hello, I shall telephone you around 6pm."

It's all about "When in Rome Do as the Romans Do"


Your remarks regarding Japanese resonate well with me. To this day I get told "you speak Japanese *really* strangely." Which is no surprise considering the folks from whom I first heard it used the language regularly between 1930 and 1955 or so. So, I sound like I'm from an out-of-the-way corner of Japan from almost 100 years ago.



thewhitrbbit
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02 Aug 2012, 8:55 pm

AngelKnight wrote:
thewhitrbbit wrote:
I studied two years of Japanese and then went to Japan. When I spoke to the Japanese teens, they thought it was funny because we learned formal Japanese instead of street Japanese. For example:

They would say "Hey, I"ll call you around 6."

I said "Hello, I shall telephone you around 6pm."

It's all about "When in Rome Do as the Romans Do"


Your remarks regarding Japanese resonate well with me. To this day I get told "you speak Japanese *really* strangely." Which is no surprise considering the folks from whom I first heard it used the language regularly between 1930 and 1955 or so. So, I sound like I'm from an out-of-the-way corner of Japan from almost 100 years ago.


Yeah. They genuinely appreciated my attempting to speak their language, and they did help me learn to be less formal but it was funny to them.