Letting people stay with you

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A friend/old boyfriend I have known for over 40 years is driving across country to the city where I live. His plan was to stay 2-3 days with his sister and 2-3 days with me and 2-3 days with another friend. At first I said I don't have room. He said he could sleep on the sofa. I said that I use my home to get away from people. I know this hurt his feelings but the idea of not being able to be alone combined with he is not a pet person (I have 3 cats that are the world to me) is too much for me. I feel like I would be in a constant state of intruder alert.

You did right to tell him. If he wants your company this doesn't mean he has any right to invade your privacy and personal space. He can as well sleep in a motel or someplace else. I live with five cats and would never allow a person who doesn't like and respect animals to enter my place.

Thank you for your perspective. When I react differently from the norm I wonder if I am in the wrong or overly harsh.

When I was younger, I would have gone along with it and, like you said, resented him. Through the years I have seen people just say what they feel and I thought that was the way to go. I have also been on the other side and people went along with what I suggested. I would find out later they resented doing that. I always try to communicate: PLEASE, say what you think/feel. I will not be offended. I don't want to spend time with someone who resents me.

One reason to not buy a couch...

I one time had a request from a good colleague to stay in case the weather got worse (winter time), but fortunately the weather was okay. That would have been a special case. Otherwise only really close friends can stay, when they announce it in advance (so I can clean a bit), no surprise visits and sleepovers!

So most people are lucky to visit, but are not allowed to stay.

Asterisp - he is a really good friend and that is why i feel guilty but the fact that he is a little overbearing is a big factor (which i had left out of the post). You sound like a good friend.

My best friend was over here from Thursday to last night (Monday night). We had fun hanging out, but after a couple of days I was ready for her to go, but she didn't want to go back to her Mom's and it took her until last night to find a place.

I didn't have to entertain her and she's not pushy or anything. She mainly sat on the couch and got online with her phone and me and her talked on facebook or watched movies with my husband. She's not one of those that I felt I had to constantly entertain or hang out with. That was the good part.

The bad part is by Monday night I just wanted her to go. She wasn't in the way or loud or bothering me in any way, it was just because somebody was there all the time that bothered me and I still can't figure out why. I didn't tell her to go though because I could have handled it a few more days.

Now I'm enjoying my peace and quiet with just my husband and kids here.

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There is something about being alone or just with some family that seems so necessary. I also wonder if routine plays into it. I may only be comfortable making short excursions from the routine.

I get really uptight about people being in my home. I feel like I can't relax, but it's never occurred to me to ask people to leave/say they can't stay regardless of how close a friend they are. I feel like it'd be really rude, and I usually try to make up an excuse for why they can't (and I've been caught out lying a couple of times!) but having read this I might start saying to people in the future if they ask to stay. I think when I have a proper diagnosis I'll feel more comfortable saying "it's because of this", rather than just "I don't want you in my house."

I, too, cannot relax with anyone in my home (except my daughter). I tried to use an excuse. I told him "I don't have the room. I'm a hoarder." (not as bad as the people on TV) He replied that he can sleep on the sofa. When I was young, I would throw out some excuses and people would just argue (some would bully) and I would go along with it. I would be miserable and deeply resent them. Now that I am old and tired I started letting myself offend people. This is who I am. I don't like to be around people too much. I need a certain percentage of my day to be alone so I can unwind from my day of being around people. No one judging me. No misunderstandings. No one accidently letting my cats out the front door into a world that could kill them.

I also agree I wanted a proper diagnosis to help me take a stand. It turned out Asperger's was the best fit but was not a "perfect fit". I came to the conclusion whether there are a million people like me or just me, it is who I am. Maybe the friend should not spend time with me if what is important to me is so offensive.

My psychologist said I should do what I am comfortable with. He said it would be different if I had stayed with my friend but would not let him stay with me but even that is open to debate. (my friend offered that I could stay with him but I stayed at a hostel in the past). My daughter thought my friend should respect my wishes. I still feel guilty but my strong need to be alone to unwind overpowers my guilty feelings.

I have asked to crash at someone's place but I usually wait for their approval first. In his known case, it sounds like he was being a tad controlling with you about where and when he is going to stay.

I would go as far as saying that when someone is in my home who is not usually there, I feel like they are "inside me" in the same way that eye contact makes me feel like the line between myself and the other person has been destroyed. I find it very upsetting and relentless. I can not shut their presence out. It also makes my routines impossible to follow.