Being too conscious of social performance

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I have become far too conscious of my social performances in the last couple of years that it is becoming a problem. It's causing stress, anxiety, depression and social phobia. I would love to learn how to let some of these social cues become part of my subconscious, like some of it is for NTs.

Like when I'm passing a stranger in the street or a visitor at work. When I see them coming, I go all anxious inside but don't show it on the outside, just carry on walking like I'm not feeling anything. Then I'm thinking too much of what I'm going to do when passing them. Shall I make eye contact? Shall I not? Shall I make a bit of eye contact then look down? Or not? What do I do? And then I pass them awkwardly, when usually other people whom I know usually greet strangers when approaching in a quiet environment. If I wasn't so conscious of how I pass people, I probably would get more friendly feedback from people, which is what I want. I have tried smiling and making casual eye contact with people but that didn't work, probably because I'm too conscious of it. Some or most NTs probably make eye contact and smile without really thinking about it, and then they get a friendly response. Or even if they were distracted on doing something else then just happen to glance round at a passing stranger at the last minute without making no friendly facial expression, they still get a friendly response. Don't quite know how that works. But I think that the more conscious a person is of their social performances (even just small, simple ones like passing a stranger in the street), the less they're going to get noticed in a good way.

But the question is, does anyone else realise this, and do you know of any tips to make myself become more subconscious of my thoughts when passing a stranger or visitor? I know I've probably brought this sort of thing up before, but I am getting a little ticked off with feeling like an outsider when I do desire to feel more like an insider when walking in the street. I refuse to answer the ''do you stim, walk with an unusual gait, dress differently or display any other unusual characteristics?'' because the answer is no and has been proven that it is definitely no. I'm past that anxiety now, and moving on to feeling less invisible.

If i only had some advices that could help you get those thoughts out of your head, but i can't, mainly because i sometimes experience having similar thought whenever in social situations.

But just know this though, your not alone in it

I'm in this situation all the time--if I had that answer, I'd be able to curtail the anxiety that comes out of that--the anxiety taking up a lot of mental energy...

I can't think of an 'answer' to your question, but I can offer some advice. These worries that you experience are not the problem - they are the symptom of the problem. The problem is that you are afraid of something - I don't know what. If you can identify that, you can start to work on overcoming it.

I thought of the worst case scenario, and the most common scenario. Once I had rationlised the possibilities and outcomes, it became easier. Try experimentation - smile at the next 10 people you meet, make eye contact the the next 10, say hi to the 10 after that. Go with whichever gets the best results. And by best results, I mean the outcome you are most happy with.

If you choose and stick with one method, it will become easier. When things become easier, they require less conscious thought. For me, at least, it hasn't become subconscious, but it's become less of an effort.

This happens to me when I'm on my own or in big spaces full of people.
I wish I could help you but I can't so what I will say is you're not alone on this one. If you find a solution be sure to share it!

It might also be because I'm so afraid of intimidating other people if I look at them. Perhaps I should have a few more practices in the mirror with how I should smile. Because I've got quite a small mouth, I can't always smile right with my mouth closed. I might see if I can smile with my teeth showing a little bit (I don't mean a big grin), but maybe work on the muscles just under my eyes. I have read in a woman's magazine that being nervous mostly affects the muscles around the eyes, and if you work on how to smile using the muscles just under the eyes when you smile, it may hide the nervous expression more and might make you come across as more approachable. So I might try that in the mirror a few times until I become more confident at it. And I might go with the advice what the poster with the avatar of Spock (sorry, can't always remember member's user names here ). I will practice my smiles in the mirror more, then when I feel confident, I will smile at the next 3 people that I pass the next time I'm walking out somewhere quite quiet - I said 3 because I'm not likely to pass 10 people when walking somewhere quiet.

In a busy place I feel different anxieties. People don't say hello to everyone they pass in busy places like shopping malls, otherwise they'll be going ''hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello'' .

I really relate with this. For me, it's the worst when I see someone I know approaching from a distance. I know I will be required to greet them, but I'm never sure when I'm supposed to do it. And where do I look until that moment?

I work on the principle that a stranger would probably be freaked out if I said "Hello" to them, just as I would be in their situation. NT standard behaviour is to ignore someone unless you already know them, or are being introduced to them. So I go with that. I don't see it as such a big problem. Other people don't think nearly so much about you as you do about yourself.

I take anti-anxiety medication. It has helped.

I have this too!

Bullying and people commenting on my weirdness caused social anxiety for me. I don't really know what to do about it.

I always thought it was an NT standard to not greet people they don't know, but my mum and her 3 siblings all do it. My aunt says she says hello to everyone she passes on her way to work, whether she knows them or not. My other aunt gawps at every passing stranger, which makes them greet her. My uncle speaks to every stranger too. My mum doesn't intend to greet everyone she sees, but if she unintentionally meets someone's eye even when she's not smiling, they still speak to her. It makes me feel like a worthless outsider when I'm with them, and so I do avoid walking out with them now unless we are somewhere busy because they obviously don't greet everyone in crowded places.

I know it sounds friendly to say hello to everyone who passes, but I always think of it as a little creepy, as strangers are often more difficult to read than people you know, so sometimes you could be saying hello to the wrong person. I'd rather keep myself to myself and just greet people who I know or recognise. I don't feel right greeting a complete stranger, and even when I try to, I just get a cold glare.

Practising smiling in the mirror is a great idea, talking in the mirror and knowing more how you look when you smile or say certain things is advice much overlooked.

As for controlling or preparing yourself better for these types of social interactions, which we're not good with - can be better understood by studying the psyche of why neurotypical people are unnerved with our approached. Apparently people being 'nice' for no reason at all is a warning flag for someone who has a hidden agenda - it's the nice guy syndrome and the rule of thumb is that nice people, are not nice.

Understand us in a more logical way helps too. Imagine our social skills as an empty tool box - now find some very simple social tools to fill the box with. Think about what you read in the news, how the weather is ultimately chat about the here and now and never digress unless there is something you want to ask that person or the other person wants to know something specific.

You will not understand all social cues as they come about and the biggest worry is looking stupid, if you keep the conversation as simple as possible and focus on what they're saying you will be fine

I've indeed generally found that my natural facial expressions/body language are LESS awkward to NT's than trying too hard to "perfect" my demeanor and just looking stiff and mechanical. I do watch out for stims in public, but I'm not obsessed with the "perfect" eye contact, smile, gestures, etc.

If you're trying to change your body language/facial expressions/tone of voice, I'd focus on SMALL, sustainable changes. Don't radically upend everything you're used to doing naturally. If you focus on only a few changes, they'll much more quickly become "natural" since you're not overwhelmed by so many at once! It's the same with developing ANY skill!!

I've indeed generally found that my natural facial expressions/body language are LESS awkward to NT's than trying too hard to "perfect" my demeanor and just looking stiff and mechanical. I do watch out for stims in public, but I'm not obsessed with the "perfect" eye contact, smile, gestures, etc.

If you're trying to change your body language/facial expressions/tone of voice, I'd focus on SMALL, sustainable changes. Don't radically upend everything you're used to doing naturally. If you focus on only a few changes, they'll much more quickly become "natural" since you're not overwhelmed by so many at once! It's the same with developing ANY skill!!

Having small talk with a stranger does not necessarily worry me. If a stranger starts up a light conversation at, say, a bus stop, then it's usually quite easy. Plus I'm quite complimented that a stranger has bothered to start up a conversation with me, and it's usually about easy stuff like the weather or the bus services or whatever. Small talk does not make me anxious.

It's just passing somebody in a quiet area. I never know whether to make eye contact or to just keep my head down. I worry that if I make eye contact and smile, they might glare at me or something and I then feel all paranoid. But if I just keep my head down then I worry that I might look unsociable and I think that makes them look at you more, like they're expecting you to look at them or something. So it's awkward whatever I do, which is why I dislike passing people in quiet places.

I know I shouldn't take it personally if people don't smile to me, and I don't really care if they do or not - but since I've seen other people (like relatives or friends of mine) greet strangers as they pass, I feel it's something I should do as well, but find it too awkward to. I think it's more of a matter of principle. Also I get the social anxiety feeling if they don't smile or speak back. I smile at one person and they don't speak or smile back, then I just think ''it's not their day today''. I smile at another person and they don't speak or smile back then I just think ''some people are miserable, I suppose I can't impress everybody.'' I smile at another 5 people and they don't respond back then I start thinking, ''OK, something must be wrong with me then.''

I tend to wait until I've made eye contact a couple of times before I'll say 'Hello'.

Or sometimes, if it's a nice day and I'm on a bit of a buzz (and the other person looks like they might be of a generation to appreciate it -- yes, I mean "old") then I'll sometimes greet strangers in the street. It's nice what a positive smiley reaction you can get.

Shopkeepers one should always be friendly with.

Apart from that, I keep my poker face firmly on in most situations (shared moments of observational/situational comedy with strangers apart, for example).