One-sided friendships

Post Reply New Topic

One reason I have no friends is that when I do try to make a friendship, it always ends up being one-sided. I call them, and they never call me. I suggest stuff to do, but they never suggest stuff to me. Such people make me think they don't really like me, but they're just too polite to say so to my face, so I usually give up trying to be their friend. And then I end up not having any friends at all Maybe I'm being too judgmental of people, but what else am I supposed to think when a friendship is one-sided?

Yeah, I'm just ranting...anyone else have this problem?

I have had that experience numerous times.

I wouldn't say you're being judgmental. Why go through all the effort of talking to someone if they don't return a similar level of effort towards you? I've had it happen to me a number of times but it doesn't bother me. Usually they aren't worth the effort anyway.

My bf has the same problem, he has AS. He doesn't know what he is doing wrong, but I can clearly see hwta he is doing wrong. I see his texts and he asks them to hang out and then pressures them by saying or don't flake this time okay?! And that kind of thing creeps people out. I was also creeped out by a girl who kept bugging me. Everytime I felt like giving her a visit, then came a text, "you better come see me today!"...then I change my mind because people in general do not like being forced to do something they don't decide for themselves. So if you really want to hang out just bring it up once and if they don't respond, leave it at that and never mention it again. If they want to hang out, they will contact you since you made the first move. That's how it goes. I'm a NT.

What I really wanted to know (sorry, I didn't make this clearer in my op...I just wanted to get a discussion going) is whether those of us with AS are more susceptible to being in relationships of this type. I'm also curious as to how we should react in such situations. Aspies typically have little in the way of a social life. Should we end a "friendship" even if it means being alone?

IMO, if I want to be with someone but they are reluctant, then I would rather be alone and look elsewhere for someone who wants to hang with me as much as I do with them.

it is so hard for me to get people to talk to be witch is not good so what do ya do give up ? and stay at home and be lonley . i only havr 1 friend and they moved to PA . that is real that such's

This. If someone doesn't show that much interest, they aren't worth pursuing as a friend in the first place. They might see something "off" with the way you act but are too polite to bring it up. There are two things you can do: ask people that know you well what others might find bothersome about you and work on those skills, or be more selective about your friendships. Also, consider meeting and making friends with others on the spectrum, as most are very accepting of personal differences.

To your first question: We're not popular, we long for friends, so we tend to accept one-sided relationships more than other people do. This is how we're more susceptible to it, not for any other reason.

To your second question: this is a dilemma many of us aspies face. I don't think there's one course of action that's better than the other. I've alternated between the two at different stages in my life. I guess if there's something at all you are getting from these friendships, and you don't feel you'll one day blow up at them for something that is painful but is YOUR choice, then continue those contacts. But I wouldn't call them friendships, so that I wouldn't forget that I shouldn't invest too much in them.

As a 50-year old, I think the one piece of advice I'd like to give to an aspie your age is not to invest too much in humans but invest your best efforts in building yourself - study, develop a sought-after trade if you can, strengthen your spirit in any way that works for you, connect with animals or higher power or anything that brings you solace, give the social thing some energies but not your best. Unfortunately, the social part is not where we'll find a source of much fulfillment, I think.

other person on the spectrum---Not in my case-and it hurt and continues.

Maybe for some of us, as for most here friendships don't come as naturally. So I think with that comes a lower number of friends, which can mean more desire to maintain friendships that can lead to most or all of the effort coming from you. I believe in putting in my fair share to maintain friendships, but I will not invest too much in certain people if they aren't as interested. Being a bit more lonely is a risk I'd take personally if it means not investing time and energy into people that aren't worth it.

I agree with what Moondust said, your own development as a person is more rewarding to me than potentially hanging out with friends. For nearly the past year now I have rarely socialized and it has given me the time to really think and change my outlook on different things.

Why is it assumed that if someone isn't your 'friend', you shouldn't bother with them? What's wrong with acquaintances? I have lots - but just because we both know each other exists doesn't mean we have a duty to be 'friends'.

Evy7 is right on the money, and I know this because I'm having a problem with an Aspie girl (I'm an Aspie girl too, for reference) who's obsessed with me and comes across (unintentionally) as very needy, childish and manipulative. I've tried to talk to her about it, but it hasn't helped any. So what can I do? It's neither my responsibility nor right to 'change' her and at the moment it's not even possible. I don't hate her, I don't think she's a bad person, I just can't handle being in the same room with her. It doesn't mean I'm a bad person either, it just means we don't gel and we're not receiving mutual benefit from a friendship.

The one way that I have made true friends (and I can count them on one hand), is when I've known the person for at least two years. At no point did we ever feel a desperate need to cling to each other by calling or texting daily. In fact, with all of these friends we can not see or contact each other for years, but when we get together, it's like we never parted.

Sometimes grabbing for things too desperately makes them slip away...